I woke up crying...I didn't think it would happen to me, but here I am dreaming. I dreampt he wasn't safe. I dreampt he killed
He couldn't be with me and I understood. I dreampt and I woke up shaken. talk about a nightmare for Halloween

Went out with the housemates. forgot my troubles. remembered my wings, and took some photos for the fans ;)
In summary, i ran into a lot of fraternity men. some beyond friendly, but all gentlemen. :)

Sleepy. fall carnival tomorrow. :) C has dealt with some skitzo-ness tonight.
i write my soldier this evening with silly complaints, but i feel better just telling him....
Hee hee, me and ms.v have the joke that after a day of his return, i'll be married. :)
One day maybe i'll fill him in. :-) or not. i'm such a commit a phobe

Its night. i have visited the men of the Fraternity. i increasingly catch myself intrigued by the pledges.
Hmmm. bad habits die slowly. i always want what i cant/shouldn't have.
La la la. we will have to see how this evening goes over
I miss my baby though. 7lbs 7oz of candy going his way. hopefully he'll appreciate.

Okay. truly. i miss my soldier. i have 8 months between now and then, and It's torture!

4am in the morning and i'm wide awake. missing my man, thinking about my pledge, worried about mail, and wondering about my
life...I really need out of this city. I want law school bad, but am doing little to get there. I keep envisioning someone
will just rescue me from this mundane town of clones, but as usual, i need to rescue my self. i'll be tired this evening.
j. call me. i miss you. tell your girl i say hi. :)
Boo. escapism is so tempting...i mean given fight or flight...it just sucks when you have to fight to run away.
honestly though...I just miss my soldier...life seems dull without him, but It's oh so occupied.

To say i have a favorite pledge is petty and slightly condescending, especially when its the pledge of your ex boyfriends.
Meaning, ofcourse, that I have one. :)
A true angel. Liberal, democrat, young, cute, and interested in someone else...so naturally we TM everyday.
Anywho, my friends seem to be a select few, especially with my time being literally gone after this thursday. so...
I'm deciding to keep this friendship as long as he'll allow. Sadly, i know myself, and know my weakness to get what I want,
But as I have just boxed like 15 lbs of candy to be shipped to IRAQ, I think I can resist.
I just need to be committed already. No ring, no wedding, no nothing. just the commitment that says, "No baby I won't Fuck
around, as long as you don't." :)
Sigh. I miss him like i miss air, people! Fucking torture. And leave it to me to want the impossible relationship. lol. what
else is new? Truth me the matter is, i figured it out. I love unavailable guys, because ultimately i'm unavailable. i've got
School, the sorority, future plans, and my love of being free. I mean, commitment doesn't fit too well. lol. trust me. i've
Him and the ex that i couldn't do it...which begs the question, why Mr.Boots?
if we go with the above reasoning, it i because he is unavailable until 2007, army and what not. But...then why do I want
The committment? i've outright said i would marry this boy, but that was a lie i know nothing about him! so why do i still
Contemplate it? toy with the idea? ask ms. v to be my maid of honor? perhaps because i'm bored? perhaps because its fun?
Perhaps because it keep everyone on their toes, including me as to what my real desires are...hmmm.

Mr boots remains safe across the sea. far away but his smile still reaches me.

Survey

 

Name:

Birthday:

Birthplace:

Current Location:

Location of Choice:

Eye Color:

Hair Color:

Height:

Right Handed or Left Handed:

Your Heritage:

The Shoes You Wore Today:

Your Weakness:

Your Fears:

Your Perfect Pizza:

Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:

Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:

Thoughts First Waking Up:

Your Best Physical Feature:

Your Bedtime:

Your Most Missed Memory:

Pepsi or Coke:

MacDonalds or Burger King:

Single or Group Dates:

Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:

Chocolate or Vanilla:

Cappuccino or Coffee:

Do you Smoke:

Do you Swear:

Do you Sing:

Do you Shower Daily:

Have you Been in Love:

Do you want to go to College:

Do you want to get Married:

Do you belive in yourself:

Do you get Motion Sickness:

Do you think you are Attractive:

Are you a Health Freak:

Do you get along with your Parents:

Do you like Thunderstorms:

Do you play an Instrument:

In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:

In the past month have you Smoked:

In the past month have you been on Drugs:

In the past month have you gone on a Date:

In the past month have you gone to a Mall:

In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:

In the past month have you eaten Sushi:

In the past month have you been on Stage:

In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:

In the past month have you Stolen Anything:

Ever been Drunk:

Ever been called a Tease:

Ever been Beaten up:

Ever Shoplifted:

How do you want to Die:

What do you want to be when you Grow Up:

What country would you most like to Visit:

In a Boy/Girl..

Favourite Eye Color:

Favourite Hair Color:

Short or Long Hair:

Height:

Weight:

Best Clothing Style:

Number of Drugs I have taken:

Number of CDs I own:

Number of Piercings:

Number of Tattoos:

Number of things in my Past I Regret:

In the sea of Burgundy and Grey, life goes on. Small set backs, but easily overcome. J call me. I miss you. The ex remains
History. and all because of you've guessed it MR. BOOTS. It's true. I can't help it. As C stated, he's like heroine for me.
One call from him, and I'm high. God I miss him. so much that i am debating on giving up all my freedoms just to have peace
of mind, and know that when he comes home, he'll be coming home to me. I've said it before, loving him is like breathing air.
It seems like its all i've ever known.
Well first graders need me, so i should begin. Everyone, i'm ok now. please know you can call. love me

once my someone told me girls are trouble...i think he just meant me...
And you know? i am
I love trouble. i like the challenge. the chase. the taboo.
Needless to say, i'm all grown up and stay out of it when i see it, but wow
I swear it looks for me

a weekend alone is good for the soul. fortunatly, i'm only alone when i want to be
the ex has banned me yet again from the house...
I'm sad about that most of all. i love those guys. but the price you pay for freedom.
Speaking of which i'm on day 11Without email or a call. :-(
I know its dumb to hold onto dreams of a guy you barely met, but if you knew, you'd understand

Long overdue.

Dear Universe,

As some of you may know, I am a national director for my sorority. Beleive it or not this is news to others....LOL. Somehow I have always managed to not let one aspect of my life jepordize the other...or so I used to believe.

Anywhoo. I've been busy with that.

Also, I'm in first grade all over again...Educational Assistant,..not really a teacher, but you could never gues....

On tuesdays I'm a grad student.

Usually Friday through Sunday I make it known that I'm a pretty fun gal.

I travel frequently which makes encounters with the male kind always exciting, temporary, and perhaps the saddest fleeting....

I bring the last point up, as I had errased some boys number from my phone, as I've decided it confused me too much every time I tried to text another boy---IMAGINE that.

Too many boys with similiar names. BUT heres the kicker....of all the boys of all the encounters, my time, my thoughts, and usually my week go to the following:

The ex,  Mr. Someone, and HIM..... hmmm that order for a reason????

Same storyline....I know ya'll think I get hella play outside the Enchanted Land....and no doubt, I sometimes accidentally do. But it all comes back to....well them.

Tragic perhaps, but I believe it has to do with confort, excitement, and the taboo all wrapped into one.

I know I shouldn't be with any of them. Yes. I know this. they know this. WE ALL know this.

But, Getting fed, living out the fantasy, and fall backs are nice....

(hmmm, the order really isn't intentional, but perhaps there is a subconsious undertone...)

NE-whoo. lawschool is going no where fast and I only have myself to blame. no applications are in and why is beyond me.

Perhaps, T was right, I really am chicken shit....hmmm. or I have no time.

I vote the latter.

Now, since we all know the above three seem to be fictures in my life,

one by my grace, two by his grace , and three by pure dumb luck,

let us proceed to the not so permanent but always fun....

MR. BOOTS.

Awe yes people, I'm still maddly on cloud nine over this fool. Completely and absolutely to the point that everyone at "The Fraternity" knows him by name.

I mean, I figure, People already have their preconceived notions as to what kind of girl I am, what I do on my weekends, and where I spend my nights, the truth is but a minor detail....

Therefore,  Why hide that I'm infactuated with a man across the seas?

If they think I'm available, that hasn't changed. if they think I'm off linmits, that too won't be upset. Ultimately, if anyone thinks I'm a  hoe, I still am,  and if they didn't well they're not assholes, and I'm still not, and everything across the spectrum.

So...I sent MR. Boots a letter. A BIG letter. it was cute. I hope he gets it....

I'm considering posting the letters I send to him...just so I can have a record. Besides, those letters have the every other updates that I've been failing to write on this log....

hmmm. send a comment, let me know what you think.

anyway....laundry awaits. and when you've updated you've updated, right?

so in summation, same ol same ol. but i'm learning each day :)

quick aside from first grade

So here it is down and dirty...

I woke up panicked....I realized, I've been here before....stuck in a dead end with no where to go...the only differance, is I can leave this time...and I did.

No guilt, no remorse, no commitment.

Its like a weight is off my shoulders..........

But why the turn about?

Well its simple, cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance. When your actions don't reflect your desires and thoughts....

So heres the match up.

I don't want the ex. never did.

I still want someone else...and just knowing that is enough.

 

We all deserve someone like this?

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who
calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stay
awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead, who wants
to show you off to the world when you are in your
sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends

Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of
how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to
have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends
and says, "...that's her."

Inner Peace (a forward)

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a large bottle of Dr Pepper, a package of Oreo's, the rest of the Cheesecake, with a pot of coffee, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.



You have no idea how good I feel.

Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace