*yawn. Got sent home today. I'm exhausted, yet thouroughly pleased with myself.
I have a pimp halloween costume, i had tons of fun last night.
LOL. OMG. 18 year old boy comes by my cubicle today and first thing he
tells me, is where was I? LOL After the debate as to whether or not it
was me that missed him, or him that missed me, we summed up with well,
whatever.
LOL He got sent home too. Maybe us 8 in the morning people should meet in the afternoon instead of at midnight huh?
oh well. *sigh
Still don't know what to do. Heaven and Hell should be soon, don't know
if I'm going/want to go/am invited to go. Still so hurt, so very very
hurt. Worse, is everytime i think I want to explain it, i keep thinking
people think I'm "emotional" --so it's like forget it, no one cares,
you know?
well, Three gets it. as per IM summary, and that's conforting. DZ hears
me, as does my royal cuteness of a sister, J-low will listen but all
the girls are in line to "just forgive him" They don't get it i
think? They really don't get that I'm so mad, I just might let him go,
just let it all go, should he say one wrong word. I don't want to
loose him, thats why I'm taking time.
The boys in my life get it, J-votes "sketchy" as always, but really
knows it's the oddest thing, and actually is shocked that "of all
people, HIM"
Marine votes "yeah we're stupid" as he says all men just don't realize and sometimes need a wake up call.
me---sleepy. gonna sleep, maybe there will be a party tonight. maybe. we'll see.
ABOUT DCGossipGirl
Followers
More tired than buzzed
Sleepy, so sleepy,
miss C, I know it hurts me more than him.
thats why he isn't calling, or maybe he's scared i won't pick up.
i won't. i miss my friend
went out with my marine,
saw the ex's best friends. an occurance ussually accompanied when i'm with the marine, odd.
meaning, every time i'm with the marine, i run into my ex's friends, very odd
non-intentional, swear.
18 yr old boy from work was supposed to meet me tonight but he was probably smarter than me and realized we have work in oh lets see, 6 hours, omg, i have to go to bed!!!
i miss him. awwww
#12 is prego!!!! omg everyone is starting "real" life
me, i can barely handle a dog. lol
we get a dog in two weeks yay.
bought an awesome costume for halloween
hmmm wonder if i'll use it.
i'm so buzzed as i write this....
she's always buzzing like neon, neon, lol
wonder how that guy is doing, hmmmm
don't really care to be honest, i mean outside of the friendship realm i guess,
awww, i miss C. and I'm mad at 18 yr old, but not really,
lol
18 yr old is cute, he is so shy,
i wonder what the hell i'm gonna do about that boy,
*sigh, doesn't matter,
maybe it's because i'm tipsy, but
does it really matter what you do when your heart belongs to someone else?
i guess we'll find out
lol, esp. after a certain girls initiation date,
OMG i'm still so mad, and still so hurt, and yet i can't stand this,
lol
well not going to cry, going to pass out
dear higher powers let me wake up and be able to go and function at work!!!! lol. ha ha
mmmmm...candy :)
awww....i want my C's shirt, i just want to be close in that go do whatever kinda way, but just let me wear your shirt, and your cologne, and sleep in your bed...yeah...lol
yeah....wow....
boys are dumb....
drinking
1 rum and coke, 1 long island
ate dinner, ate alot,
using boys specifically 18 yr old to get over this C thing, not good, dependency!!!!
:)
okay sleep, must sleep, bye, go away shhhhhhh
miss C, I know it hurts me more than him.
thats why he isn't calling, or maybe he's scared i won't pick up.
i won't. i miss my friend
went out with my marine,
saw the ex's best friends. an occurance ussually accompanied when i'm with the marine, odd.
meaning, every time i'm with the marine, i run into my ex's friends, very odd
non-intentional, swear.
18 yr old boy from work was supposed to meet me tonight but he was probably smarter than me and realized we have work in oh lets see, 6 hours, omg, i have to go to bed!!!
i miss him. awwww
#12 is prego!!!! omg everyone is starting "real" life
me, i can barely handle a dog. lol
we get a dog in two weeks yay.
bought an awesome costume for halloween
hmmm wonder if i'll use it.
i'm so buzzed as i write this....
she's always buzzing like neon, neon, lol
wonder how that guy is doing, hmmmm
don't really care to be honest, i mean outside of the friendship realm i guess,
awww, i miss C. and I'm mad at 18 yr old, but not really,
lol
18 yr old is cute, he is so shy,
i wonder what the hell i'm gonna do about that boy,
*sigh, doesn't matter,
maybe it's because i'm tipsy, but
does it really matter what you do when your heart belongs to someone else?
i guess we'll find out
lol, esp. after a certain girls initiation date,
OMG i'm still so mad, and still so hurt, and yet i can't stand this,
lol
well not going to cry, going to pass out
dear higher powers let me wake up and be able to go and function at work!!!! lol. ha ha
mmmmm...candy :)
awww....i want my C's shirt, i just want to be close in that go do whatever kinda way, but just let me wear your shirt, and your cologne, and sleep in your bed...yeah...lol
yeah....wow....
boys are dumb....
drinking
1 rum and coke, 1 long island
ate dinner, ate alot,
using boys specifically 18 yr old to get over this C thing, not good, dependency!!!!
:)
okay sleep, must sleep, bye, go away shhhhhhh
12:14 AM | Filed Under | 0 Comments
IM Summary
Well here
is the summary, if you know me this isn't as "coded" as it might seem,
in fact it might be way to much of an overshare, but, well, it's just
for me, because well, this really does summarize where I am.
LOL--Besides I would be sharing these feelings but I'm too worried that would be taken as me being "Emotional"---ugh!!!! Still mad....but well here's the truth of the matter...In IM form:
ME: so, what should i do now?
Three: you don’t want to be all, ok I forgot everything happened and happy with him
Three: but you don’t want to be bitchy cuz he is a good friend
Three: does not mean that he can play with your emotions
ME: except, i don't think even I or he knows when he's taking advantage of me as a good friend vs he takes advantage of me as this girl that likes him
Three: one sec
ME: k
Three: ah
Three: well what is it that you think will resolve this?
ME: what?
ME: him falling madly in love with me
ME: all over again
Three: im sure he know what he is doing
ME: loll
Three: :-)
ME: is that a bit much to ask for?
Three: and honestly girl hes a guy
Three: no
Three: it's not
Three: but
Three: :-)
Three: do you think that's going to happen?
Three: relisticaly
Three: if yes
Three: than thats good
Three: i hope he does fall madlly in love with you
Three: but if not, you two are still best friends
Three: and im sure you dont want to lose that at all
Three: you there?
Three: oh, i was saying he's a guy
ME: yes
ME: yeah
Three: all of them are ass holes
ME: and---pleaase continue!
ME: lol
ME: well that was blunt
Three: :-)
Three: after the crap that we both have put up with from guys that's the only way to do things with them
ME: hold on
Three: :-)
Three: k
ME: okay sorry continue
Three: oh look
Three: i just got your text message
Three: :-)
ME: lol
Three: so, what do you plan on doing
ME: see
ME: hold on let me read your last part one more time
Three: fyi except my grandpa, he's not an ass hole :-)
ME: hmmm....lol
ME: i'm still confused, kinda...my turn to talk for a sec
ME: k--*sigh
Three: yes please do
Three: cuz im confused as well
Three: lol
ME: he is my best friend, and to be honest it sucks being mad at him,if i could not be confused about what i felt for him maybe this would be easier, the fact of the matter is I want everything to be the same and yet I want things to change...i want him to trust me with everything yet now that yes we have hooked up--i don't want to hear all the "horney little details" --but then again, he NEVER told me all those details, actually the only thing we've ever done is bitch about the opposite sex, me to him him to me,----
ME: so--
ME: i want him to ofcourse tell me everything, but then again he never did tell me everything, basically i want out summer back, i want it to be like, yeah, you're going here and partying and yeah i'm going there partying and you're with blah and I'm with blah, and thats cool because blah will never mean as much to me as you do?
ME: does that make sense?
Three: yes, very much
ME: and i don't know if thats necessarily boundary-less ness or what but i know thats what i could live with if “HIM” doesn't happen to fall in love with me,
ME: get me?
Three: but you have to deside what it is that you want, and yes i get you girl
Three: i now you want him
Three: as a bf
Three: boyfriend, bestfriend
ME: right
ME: exactly
Three: but things happened
ME: i want both, i really do
Three: i know girl
ME: but i don't know why that has to make things so jacked up!!!!
ME: grrrr
Three: well if you want things to be like they used to be
Three: then let him tell you who hes been with
Three: and know that you mean more to him than she did
Three: be secure with your friendship with him
Three: and know that he knows you will be the one there at the end
Three: and, hopefully you will get what you want, which is him
Three: otherwise
ME: but after that email girl, do you know how hard it is to trust him with that? Three: and know that he knows you will be the one there at the end
ME: otherwise???
Three: you are going to be miserable no matter what
Three: after the last email?
Three: when he apologized?
Three: cuz in that one he said that he said he could call you when he does not want to talk to his brothers
Three: maybe you are not the only one he talks to, but he knows that he cancall you
Three: one to many he saids :-)
ME: lol
ME: i was talking about the email where he said he's not going to talk to me first, that he's going to talk to his brothers first, and that I'm going to be gone...PLUS, he said, (lol) that he's going to put our friendship on the side while he lives his "adventurous side" ----.it makes it really hard to believe that I am that someone specail in his life anymore, or that he would ever want me to be,
ME: make sense?
Three: yes, very much so
Three: but you also have to pay attention to the last email that he sent you
ME: *sigh, I'm all sad huh?
Three: :-)
ME: yeah---i'm trying to but really how much is it worth? i mean is it what i want to hear, i don't even know anymore
Three: :-\
Three: well girl, like i said
ME: the sad thing is, I should know this boy, but after that first email, i mean really my faith in him got shaken so bad
ME: it's like my foundations of all that was true just crumbled
Three: ok scratch that forgot what i said
ME: lol
ME: do you see where i am though?
Three: i totaly understand
ME: thanks
Three: you feel like
ME: lol; i'm glad somebody does
Three: you love him
Three: and all of you wants to love him
Three: and you see NO way of letting that go
Three: but at the same time
Three: you know that he is playing with you emotionaly
Three: or that
Three: he wants to love you back
Three: but
Three: he cant
Three: or wont
Three: for reasons that are beyond you
Three: ?
Three: but you still want to try
Three: b/c you see that tiny little speck of hope
Three: which keeps your love for him alive
Three: no matter how tiny it may be
Three: and even if you dont work out, which would crush you,
Three: you are still going to be his friend
Three: b/c you dont want to lose that,
Three: ?
ME: yeah....wow
Three: yeah
ME: i'm all stupid and wanting to cry now
Three: i just basicly told you how i feel about @@@
ME: yeah, i kinda figured
Three: dont feel stupid about it
ME: but yeah. . . wow
ME: i guess not right, lol---
Three: i know how you feel
Three: :-)
ME: we're two very smart intelligent woman--
ME: fast but slow
Three: LOL
ME: LOL<u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p>
Three: that was great
ME: well you have to go soon right?
ME: it was
ME: i feel all close to you now
Three: yeah
Three: :-)
ME: lol
Three: good, that makes me very happy
ME: mind if i throw some of this in the journal--all names changed of course?"
LOL--Besides I would be sharing these feelings but I'm too worried that would be taken as me being "Emotional"---ugh!!!! Still mad....but well here's the truth of the matter...In IM form:
ME: so, what should i do now?
Three: you don’t want to be all, ok I forgot everything happened and happy with him
Three: but you don’t want to be bitchy cuz he is a good friend
Three: if i where you id let him know that are boundaries
that he is not allowed to cross
Three: no matter how good of a friend he is
Three: one sec
ME: k
Three: b/c he is playing with you emotions
Three: which I’m sure he knows
ME: the funny thing is i don't think he knows
ME: and worse Three
ME: i don't think i know what those boundaries are any
more?
ME: Me and “HIM” have always been boundary less, and I
don't know where to put those lines you know?
Three: yeah,
Three: but have you always had these feeling for him?
ME: and worse again, I don't know if I want to put
boundaries out there, because, well, it's like you said I still have feelings
for him and I don't want him to ...
ME: he said that that’s what he loved about me, i don't want
to loose that
Three: I understand that but
ME: I've always kinda liked him
Three: you can’t allow him to one day want to hook up
ME: but no, I only started loving him since summer
Three: and the next tell you he's going on a date
Three: but if boundaries are what you don’t want
Three: I’m thinking one sec
Three: :-)
Three: so keep it bounderiless
Three: but let him know that you have feelings for him
and you don’t want to feel like he is
ME: keep thinking--lol
ME: which is what? I’m confused
Three: taking advantage of that fact
ME: oh
Three: do you understand what it is I’m getting at?
ME: yeah
ME: kinda
Three: does not mean that he can play with your emotions
ME: except, i don't think even I or he knows when he's taking advantage of me as a good friend vs he takes advantage of me as this girl that likes him
Three: one sec
ME: k
Three: ah
Three: well what is it that you think will resolve this?
ME: what?
ME: him falling madly in love with me
ME: all over again
Three: im sure he know what he is doing
ME: loll
Three: :-)
ME: is that a bit much to ask for?
Three: and honestly girl hes a guy
Three: no
Three: it's not
Three: but
Three: :-)
Three: do you think that's going to happen?
Three: relisticaly
Three: if yes
Three: than thats good
Three: i hope he does fall madlly in love with you
Three: but if not, you two are still best friends
Three: and im sure you dont want to lose that at all
Three: you there?
Three: oh, i was saying he's a guy
ME: yes
ME: yeah
Three: all of them are ass holes
ME: and---pleaase continue!
ME: lol
ME: well that was blunt
Three: :-)
Three: after the crap that we both have put up with from guys that's the only way to do things with them
ME: hold on
Three: :-)
Three: k
ME: okay sorry continue
Three: oh look
Three: i just got your text message
Three: :-)
ME: lol
Three: so, what do you plan on doing
ME: see
ME: hold on let me read your last part one more time
Three: fyi except my grandpa, he's not an ass hole :-)
ME: hmmm....lol
ME: i'm still confused, kinda...my turn to talk for a sec
ME: k--*sigh
Three: yes please do
Three: cuz im confused as well
Three: lol
ME: he is my best friend, and to be honest it sucks being mad at him,if i could not be confused about what i felt for him maybe this would be easier, the fact of the matter is I want everything to be the same and yet I want things to change...i want him to trust me with everything yet now that yes we have hooked up--i don't want to hear all the "horney little details" --but then again, he NEVER told me all those details, actually the only thing we've ever done is bitch about the opposite sex, me to him him to me,----
ME: so--
ME: i want him to ofcourse tell me everything, but then again he never did tell me everything, basically i want out summer back, i want it to be like, yeah, you're going here and partying and yeah i'm going there partying and you're with blah and I'm with blah, and thats cool because blah will never mean as much to me as you do?
ME: does that make sense?
Three: yes, very much
ME: and i don't know if thats necessarily boundary-less ness or what but i know thats what i could live with if “HIM” doesn't happen to fall in love with me,
ME: get me?
Three: but you have to deside what it is that you want, and yes i get you girl
Three: i now you want him
Three: as a bf
Three: boyfriend, bestfriend
ME: right
ME: exactly
Three: but things happened
ME: i want both, i really do
Three: i know girl
ME: but i don't know why that has to make things so jacked up!!!!
ME: grrrr
Three: well if you want things to be like they used to be
Three: then let him tell you who hes been with
Three: and know that you mean more to him than she did
Three: be secure with your friendship with him
Three: and know that he knows you will be the one there at the end
Three: and, hopefully you will get what you want, which is him
Three: otherwise
ME: but after that email girl, do you know how hard it is to trust him with that? Three: and know that he knows you will be the one there at the end
ME: otherwise???
Three: you are going to be miserable no matter what
Three: after the last email?
Three: when he apologized?
Three: cuz in that one he said that he said he could call you when he does not want to talk to his brothers
Three: maybe you are not the only one he talks to, but he knows that he cancall you
Three: one to many he saids :-)
ME: lol
ME: i was talking about the email where he said he's not going to talk to me first, that he's going to talk to his brothers first, and that I'm going to be gone...PLUS, he said, (lol) that he's going to put our friendship on the side while he lives his "adventurous side" ----.it makes it really hard to believe that I am that someone specail in his life anymore, or that he would ever want me to be,
ME: make sense?
Three: yes, very much so
Three: but you also have to pay attention to the last email that he sent you
ME: *sigh, I'm all sad huh?
Three: :-)
ME: yeah---i'm trying to but really how much is it worth? i mean is it what i want to hear, i don't even know anymore
Three: :-\
Three: well girl, like i said
ME: the sad thing is, I should know this boy, but after that first email, i mean really my faith in him got shaken so bad
ME: it's like my foundations of all that was true just crumbled
Three: ok scratch that forgot what i said
ME: lol
ME: do you see where i am though?
Three: i totaly understand
ME: thanks
Three: you feel like
ME: lol; i'm glad somebody does
Three: you love him
Three: and all of you wants to love him
Three: and you see NO way of letting that go
Three: but at the same time
Three: you know that he is playing with you emotionaly
Three: or that
Three: he wants to love you back
Three: but
Three: he cant
Three: or wont
Three: for reasons that are beyond you
Three: ?
Three: but you still want to try
Three: b/c you see that tiny little speck of hope
Three: which keeps your love for him alive
Three: no matter how tiny it may be
Three: and even if you dont work out, which would crush you,
Three: you are still going to be his friend
Three: b/c you dont want to lose that,
Three: ?
ME: yeah....wow
Three: yeah
ME: i'm all stupid and wanting to cry now
Three: i just basicly told you how i feel about @@@
ME: yeah, i kinda figured
Three: dont feel stupid about it
ME: but yeah. . . wow
ME: i guess not right, lol---
Three: i know how you feel
Three: :-)
ME: we're two very smart intelligent woman--
ME: fast but slow
Three: LOL
ME: LOL<u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p>
Three: that was great
ME: well you have to go soon right?
ME: it was
ME: i feel all close to you now
Three: yeah
Three: :-)
ME: lol
Three: good, that makes me very happy
ME: mind if i throw some of this in the journal--all names changed of course?"
9:28 PM | Filed Under | 0 Comments
cubicle-ness
so robbing the cradle? hmmm, dunno, every girl i talk to says just go for it,
i think women think men are objects just for our emotional consumption.
something to be used up and burnt out on....
kinda like the cigarettes i've been putting out three fourths done, *sigh
he's only 18 and thats a lot to put on a guy
but maybe thats what i need
a slightly older and more "legal" version of my 14 year old crush--
lol, i guess being with someone younger has always been a bonus to me, because it's like, i don't have to remember how complicated "grown up life' really is.
lol--i heard he got caught by his mom for smoking cigarettes, how cute!!!
ne-ways we exchange numbers tomorrow, lol, i guess like always I'll let myself see where that goes.
J's calling and consoling me tonight, and DZ will be spending the night to accompany me at the god forsaken hours i work. lol
oh, i'm so tired. smoking is going to kill me! Literally, must stop.
both me and the 18 year old will stop, lol
fuuny, i'm already making plans for the boy, lol, i told him how to change his tmobile bill too, so i could talk to him for free, lol, I AM AWFUL
NE-ways, the C thing hurts more than ever, ....more in a later episode, it bugs to much to go there now, but a summary will occur.
love you who love me, thats the only way it can be.
muah
i think women think men are objects just for our emotional consumption.
something to be used up and burnt out on....
kinda like the cigarettes i've been putting out three fourths done, *sigh
he's only 18 and thats a lot to put on a guy
but maybe thats what i need
a slightly older and more "legal" version of my 14 year old crush--
lol, i guess being with someone younger has always been a bonus to me, because it's like, i don't have to remember how complicated "grown up life' really is.
lol--i heard he got caught by his mom for smoking cigarettes, how cute!!!
ne-ways we exchange numbers tomorrow, lol, i guess like always I'll let myself see where that goes.
J's calling and consoling me tonight, and DZ will be spending the night to accompany me at the god forsaken hours i work. lol
oh, i'm so tired. smoking is going to kill me! Literally, must stop.
both me and the 18 year old will stop, lol
fuuny, i'm already making plans for the boy, lol, i told him how to change his tmobile bill too, so i could talk to him for free, lol, I AM AWFUL
NE-ways, the C thing hurts more than ever, ....more in a later episode, it bugs to much to go there now, but a summary will occur.
love you who love me, thats the only way it can be.
muah
3:43 PM | Filed Under | 0 Comments
Time waits for no one---yeah....wow....
Marine to meet on Thursday. Dinner
must stop drinking---Tonightt, blue hurricane, sangria, um, a beer. two cigarettes
Marine to meet on Thursday. Dinner
must stop drinking---Tonightt, blue hurricane, sangria, um, a beer. two cigarettes
11:54 PM | Filed Under | 0 Comments
quick rebuttle
okay. men are just the weirdest.
for one, do I walk around with a sign that says quick rebound?
because really, lol. I'm just at this point to where one boys making me cry while another is trying to get my number., it's the weirdest thing. Do I put out that vibe, like, hey come rescue me? I dunno.
Ne-ways, he thinks I'm out of his league, lol, for once he might be right.
hmmmmm.....party this weekend, oh yes, what oh what to wear.
"Costumes- Highly Encouraged"
for one, do I walk around with a sign that says quick rebound?
because really, lol. I'm just at this point to where one boys making me cry while another is trying to get my number., it's the weirdest thing. Do I put out that vibe, like, hey come rescue me? I dunno.
Ne-ways, he thinks I'm out of his league, lol, for once he might be right.
hmmmmm.....party this weekend, oh yes, what oh what to wear.
"Costumes- Highly Encouraged"
1:56 PM | Filed Under | 0 Comments
seriously, are all men the same?
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so done.
I am so done with putting myself on the line and just freakin' making everyone happy.
I'm going to law school, moving far far away from this miserable little town and just GRRRRR!
I can't believe I freak'n came back here thinking I had a man in my life that finally was in the same place as me.
Oh my fucking, GRRRRRRRR
Per the therapy:
Bad behavious to watch:
Seriously, the scratching has begun. I made my arm bleed while giving advice to a sister. Wouldn't have noticed but like i said, i scratched til i bled . EWE...gross, everyone who reads this must be freaking.....calm down people, it's like bitting your nails til you've got no more to bite, it's just a nervous habbit. me---i scratch unconsiously in one area without noticing, the next thing i know i've rubbed my skin raw. it's a bad thing we're monitoring now. it's really sad too, because now i have all these stupid scabs on my forearm and knuckles. very weird.
Anyways: told my roommate to hide bottles. Really wanted to drink this afternoon, told her to just hide everything. Sad but what does doctor phil say? Fail safe enviornment.
Food: I ate a grilled chicken sandwhich from sonic, tator tots and a chery limeaid, ummm, yeah thats it. I know i need to eat but on the plus side, i've lost twenty pounds lol. yeah--not healthy
Boys, okay this is bad, almost pulled out my cell phone today in anger and was just going to call boys til i got one to come over, isn't that awfl--whats worse, is i know my ability to do so, and well, yeah, it's bad
but--didn't called J-low, then called mom, went to class desite not wanting to,
then didn't answer his text, his calls, or his emails.
I have too much to deal with to have the boy I love jack with my head too.
NO OVER.
I have learned SO MUCH FROM MR. SOMEONE
Hint to life again: when you want someone out of your life, you really can fucking make them feel it i guess.
UGHHHH! I hate that.
He's supposed to be the one I trust, the guy I can always depend on,
Most famous words, this evening as I recount to J-low my misery;
in short five minute version
"I'm so pissed. So very fucking pissed. I'm leaving, I'm leaving this damn state. I don't know why I came. Well I do, and that reasons gone now, and yeah, fuck it. I hate this, and the worst thing is, the worst thing is, I'd expect that from [insert boy name here] but to here that from [Insert name of boy we are so pissed at but unfortunately love here]--that just---i'm not mad, i'm more....hurt. I hurt that he doesn't even know me. and HE, he of all people should. I'm at class, I'm going now..."
yeah that tripped J-low out. So much to the fact that she probably called him or something. lol. i don't know. not answering voicemail. you know what--if YOU KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON, YOU'D prob know why i won't turn off my phone, but YOU DON:T KNOW, YOu don't care, and you're not reading this, so I'm screaming at no one, just to get it out.....* and UGGGGGHHHHH
I'd not go to work tommorow if I thought I could get away with it, but i can't and yeah, I have a fucking paper due tommorow, and I'm sure HE DIDN"T KNOW THAT, because you never fucking care enough to freaking ask, but Yes I know you have your test, so yeah, good luck with that. UGHHHH. J-lo's right, they always figure it out a second too late, and then what. nothing.
uh---me alone, with a book---no i'm not answering! I see you on my phone and you're making me cry and I felt so miserable I wanted to go back to my ex, and that the total wrong reason, and very unhealthy and GRRRR!!!!
You want me gone, i'm gone.
i love you but i need to love me. ugh.
I am so done.
I am so done with putting myself on the line and just freakin' making everyone happy.
I'm going to law school, moving far far away from this miserable little town and just GRRRRR!
I can't believe I freak'n came back here thinking I had a man in my life that finally was in the same place as me.
Oh my fucking, GRRRRRRRR
Per the therapy:
Bad behavious to watch:
Seriously, the scratching has begun. I made my arm bleed while giving advice to a sister. Wouldn't have noticed but like i said, i scratched til i bled . EWE...gross, everyone who reads this must be freaking.....calm down people, it's like bitting your nails til you've got no more to bite, it's just a nervous habbit. me---i scratch unconsiously in one area without noticing, the next thing i know i've rubbed my skin raw. it's a bad thing we're monitoring now. it's really sad too, because now i have all these stupid scabs on my forearm and knuckles. very weird.
Anyways: told my roommate to hide bottles. Really wanted to drink this afternoon, told her to just hide everything. Sad but what does doctor phil say? Fail safe enviornment.
Food: I ate a grilled chicken sandwhich from sonic, tator tots and a chery limeaid, ummm, yeah thats it. I know i need to eat but on the plus side, i've lost twenty pounds lol. yeah--not healthy
Boys, okay this is bad, almost pulled out my cell phone today in anger and was just going to call boys til i got one to come over, isn't that awfl--whats worse, is i know my ability to do so, and well, yeah, it's bad
but--didn't called J-low, then called mom, went to class desite not wanting to,
then didn't answer his text, his calls, or his emails.
I have too much to deal with to have the boy I love jack with my head too.
NO OVER.
I have learned SO MUCH FROM MR. SOMEONE
Hint to life again: when you want someone out of your life, you really can fucking make them feel it i guess.
UGHHHH! I hate that.
He's supposed to be the one I trust, the guy I can always depend on,
Most famous words, this evening as I recount to J-low my misery;
in short five minute version
"I'm so pissed. So very fucking pissed. I'm leaving, I'm leaving this damn state. I don't know why I came. Well I do, and that reasons gone now, and yeah, fuck it. I hate this, and the worst thing is, the worst thing is, I'd expect that from [insert boy name here] but to here that from [Insert name of boy we are so pissed at but unfortunately love here]--that just---i'm not mad, i'm more....hurt. I hurt that he doesn't even know me. and HE, he of all people should. I'm at class, I'm going now..."
yeah that tripped J-low out. So much to the fact that she probably called him or something. lol. i don't know. not answering voicemail. you know what--if YOU KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON, YOU'D prob know why i won't turn off my phone, but YOU DON:T KNOW, YOu don't care, and you're not reading this, so I'm screaming at no one, just to get it out.....* and UGGGGGHHHHH
I'd not go to work tommorow if I thought I could get away with it, but i can't and yeah, I have a fucking paper due tommorow, and I'm sure HE DIDN"T KNOW THAT, because you never fucking care enough to freaking ask, but Yes I know you have your test, so yeah, good luck with that. UGHHHH. J-lo's right, they always figure it out a second too late, and then what. nothing.
uh---me alone, with a book---no i'm not answering! I see you on my phone and you're making me cry and I felt so miserable I wanted to go back to my ex, and that the total wrong reason, and very unhealthy and GRRRR!!!!
You want me gone, i'm gone.
i love you but i need to love me. ugh.
9:49 PM | Filed Under | 0 Comments
"I need a simple---kinda man!!!!"---she screams as we turn the corner
As I pop in the latest and greatest compilation of C's mixology and CD producing skilz, I begin to ponder....
Things are so weird. I don't even call C anymore to talk. It's sad. My thereapist has said I am allowed ten minute conversations with him, and that it's okay, because e's my best friend and i shouldn't be forced to go cold turkey.
Therapy. For those of you living under or rock, or have noticed me living under mine (yes, the nice invisible purple one---ooops, shhhh, i didn't say that out loud, did I? LOL--private joke I'm sure a select few undstand). Hmmmm.....
awww yes, therapy.
As I said to the lady who sat across from me for two hours solid, I'm not above help.
I do think I'm a goddess, I do think I'm a victim. I think life has really decided to jack with my head in the past few months, and well, before I completely loose it I should probably seek at least one session of professional guidance.
The ex has scared me. he has become more unstable then even and like a sweater unraveling , i too am becoming to unravel.
I think people feel that they are not closely interwoven but they are.
As I begun to express my whole drawn out sordid relationship with my ex, my best friend both C and J-low, distinct romance and crash and burn attempts of the like, which can only be accounted for as "seasonal insanity" as I look back--welll----*sigh
--As i explained to her the whole sordid affair I couldn't believe the emotional garbage both held within, and pressed upon me.
I mean yes, some drama I fully admit I completely brought upon myself--hence "seasonal insanity"--as always looking back I have no regrets, I undstand my rationalizations, and still hod true to the feeling I did and do posess about that whole bizarre "whatever"
*puzzled sigh
Well, whatever.
The thing is though, some things I don't bring upon myself.
Let's take these past two weeks, and my final breaking points which have now earned me the loveable nickname of "spaz" from C.
(C--who is partially responsible, shall we ever get to "that" later)
But----the now and later:
The now is that I am in therapy. Directly I shall say because of my inability to allow things to just "go" or maybe to "just let go"
But let us delve deeper.
I did not asked to be called on friday with accusations of taking peoples "happiness" or "reasons of being"
I mean I've always been conceited but I've never thought myself so self important to control another persons thoughts or actions, I mean c'mon.
Well, sure enough this blatant denial of responsibility to my cntrol on at least the influence of others feelings, may have been teh exact same reason, some one else is gaining control over me. (oh quick aside, no "someone", just some one, the ex, to be exact)
Yes, well, the ex now has entered my life, and I don't even know if he knows he has.
But heres the severity of the situation. I think he's unstable yet I'm in therapy.
I have been sent home from work for "low performance" and to "recouparate"
--Do you know how pathetic I feel?
To be sent home for feeling responsible for someone else's flip out????
UGHHHHH!!!! Agravating to say the least.
But there it is. Plain as day I am the one crying at intersections, wondering if I'll attend the last remembrances of a man I once loved, all while feeling guilty as hell, and not having one ounce of remorse all tied into one.
Is this clear? perhaps not. perhaps it shouldn't be.
Atop, all random past lives coming to haunt me, the following has interjected itself upon my life: Area responsibilities to my beloved organization have me spending enormous ammount of money I do not posess. Traveling to schools and setting up meetings with Coordinators I do not know, Most importantly giving myself a burden that I really don't have to take on, but ah the crazy things we do in the name of love--this time love of an organization
Meanwhile,
(this is wheere I wish people would hear the announcer from the old Batman series---Meanwhile---)
Yes Holy Blunt Smokers Bat-fuck, hehehe wow, tht one was too close to real, yes well.
Smoking, hmm, bad habbit I almost started. Almost, as if Lighting a cigarette sticking it in your mouth and puffing it till it's gone doesn't constitute a relapse? hmmm
smoking is nothing compared to the drinking.
Aw, AA here I come. I am a trouble child, and all my friends remedy me with mind altering substances.
It's quite odd really. I don't think I have a drinking problem. yet let me consider the past few nights?
This morning--(yes I know, not last night, but hair of the dog???)
Last night--one shot, one mixed drink; Rationalization: 21 year old birthday celebration.
Oh wait: I also had a drink before the game: OJ and Captain: rationalization: pre-game drink
K-night before: half a bottle of wine: not my fault: I was all dressed up to go to the homecoming dance, didn't go, because I'm responsible, ended up staying at home all dressed up with no where to go, C took pitty on me and brought wine and a movie over. in the words of C "God I love wine"
well before C came over, I had started that night too: why? because I was freaking loosing it! I had just missed the homecoming game because I was being a responsible Supervisor and doing an emergency meeting. I thought I had earned a drink.
Okay: night before: hmmm. This is looking bad.
Okay night before: Drinks with the girls: I wanted dish on the "house" and with the "ex" what better way to do it than over margarittas at chillis? okay so 5 of those? but really it's one presidente right????
alright night before: *sigh, this isn't what it appears, really* Marine wanted to go out, we exchanged: "whose life is worse" stories: I won. Of course. two mixed drinks for me two beers for him,
Night before????um....no, see no drinking on a monday night? um.....hmmmm....sad thing is I don't remember monday. I just remember crying. lots of crying on monday, wanting to smoke on monday. didn't but wanted to. no by monday i was smoking. i don't think i drank??? worse thing is I don't remember
Sunday, didn't drink but wanted to,
Saturday, don't remember
Friday: double tequilla shots.
thats it thats all i can honestly remember.
well, yeah, thats pathetic. And if anyone wants to judge, go ahead, but seriously deal with the week I had and then judge, I guarentee, you would have been drinkng too.
one of those nights I didn't drink, C kept me content, I remember that....weird convos me and C have been having lately, very truthful, very real, we're all growing up so very fast.
speaking of growing up. I need to. LOL. so does my taste in boys. Yes new boy. what else is new--well this boy i guess, brand new, a whole maybe twelve hours old, and perhaps looks about twelve years old,
no i lie :)
but he does look only 21, if that,
i think I'm ridiculous. Boy gives me a hug at work, and all of a sudden it's enough to catch my eye. I mean, hmmm. Okay hmmm stop.
yeah. hmmm friday night, C ditches me and tequilla ness for his bro's ---yeah, k. we ended up talking till 1 as usual.
OH YEAH, that was my saturday!!! I played pissed off wifey at his parents. lol, yeah, pretty funny when the sis tell you to "stop fighting like an old married couple" --*lol, I laugh beccause I know it's hilarious. aw yes, that was a real night,
C blew me off last night too, got drunk off his ass and I assumed flirted with every girl that qould let him. hmmm. does it disturb me?
yes and no,
yes because he's a dork,
and 2 because he's well, in C's words "were gonna play a game, and it's called I win"
-----
blah, do you love how this is just a random string of incohesive, but very eloquent verbal garbage that explains nothing?
________hahah
story of my life: elaboration without purpose.
shall we update boy-ness:
only love one boy as always, he knows it, he's confortable with it, "Great"
Laundry boy, i think he's given up:
Marine: um: yeah unresolved issues with the ex still
grrr, ex, need to stay away, grrr, might hurt him
other, um ex?--ewe--yeah, have no idea, saw that through tear-shot eyes, can't imagine the spaz he thought he knew---but then again, he knew a very uncomplicated version of me---I like that, i want that again--no responsibilites, no cares, no worries, etc etc---maybe thats why i got attatched? still a bafflement sometimes
salsa boy, haven't tried to call him since last friday when he blew me off, grrr, should call him, all others, well obviously not important enought to mention right?
no i lie- poor playa playa, his yanks lost :(
all others i just a dillusional if i think i talk or tink of them more than 5 minutes in a day?
but seriously, huh?
----
boy at work--young, prob. underage. bad. prob smokes more than cigarettes, cute baby face, def, not my type. hmmm
must stop.
must learn to be alone.
this is why i need a therapist. no external validation from boys!!!!!
_________oh
important stufff:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOUR AND FIVE
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AOS
HAPPR BIRTHDAY "--NESS
______yeah
CONGRASTS TO HER ROYAL CUTENESS, NOW BACK ON BAND< DESPITE A JACKED ENGLISH TEACHER
OH AND I LOVE YOU TO MY 14 year old CRUSH! THANK YOU FOR THE VOICEMAIL, HEE HEE
HMMMM---okay loserness, is me, I nmeed to do homework, yeah, homework.
and you know what??? some people need to either get AIM or start getting on it, me being alone out here in the internet world pisses me off and makes me want to look up chatrooms to find friends-just so i don't have to talk on the phone.
hmmmm---did i eat today?
damn, I ate one pizza, 2 beers, a rice crispy treat, a bag of cookies, and a coffee this morning, ---yeah, and i wonder why I'm looking and staying sick! grrr
what else was i supposed to watch/ do?
journal-K. Watch alcohol consumption--k. watch dependency on boys--k, stay away from ex--uh huh. What else? homework? yeah i should do that huh. hmmm. boring. --yeah need to get tips on how to motivate myself to get back to school. hmmm
grrr.
okay, J-if ya wanna through some luv my way, and a status update, it would be much appreciated, (you know since this was just so short)
Things are so weird. I don't even call C anymore to talk. It's sad. My thereapist has said I am allowed ten minute conversations with him, and that it's okay, because e's my best friend and i shouldn't be forced to go cold turkey.
Therapy. For those of you living under or rock, or have noticed me living under mine (yes, the nice invisible purple one---ooops, shhhh, i didn't say that out loud, did I? LOL--private joke I'm sure a select few undstand). Hmmmm.....
awww yes, therapy.
As I said to the lady who sat across from me for two hours solid, I'm not above help.
I do think I'm a goddess, I do think I'm a victim. I think life has really decided to jack with my head in the past few months, and well, before I completely loose it I should probably seek at least one session of professional guidance.
The ex has scared me. he has become more unstable then even and like a sweater unraveling , i too am becoming to unravel.
I think people feel that they are not closely interwoven but they are.
As I begun to express my whole drawn out sordid relationship with my ex, my best friend both C and J-low, distinct romance and crash and burn attempts of the like, which can only be accounted for as "seasonal insanity" as I look back--welll----*sigh
--As i explained to her the whole sordid affair I couldn't believe the emotional garbage both held within, and pressed upon me.
I mean yes, some drama I fully admit I completely brought upon myself--hence "seasonal insanity"--as always looking back I have no regrets, I undstand my rationalizations, and still hod true to the feeling I did and do posess about that whole bizarre "whatever"
*puzzled sigh
Well, whatever.
The thing is though, some things I don't bring upon myself.
Let's take these past two weeks, and my final breaking points which have now earned me the loveable nickname of "spaz" from C.
(C--who is partially responsible, shall we ever get to "that" later)
But----the now and later:
The now is that I am in therapy. Directly I shall say because of my inability to allow things to just "go" or maybe to "just let go"
But let us delve deeper.
I did not asked to be called on friday with accusations of taking peoples "happiness" or "reasons of being"
I mean I've always been conceited but I've never thought myself so self important to control another persons thoughts or actions, I mean c'mon.
Well, sure enough this blatant denial of responsibility to my cntrol on at least the influence of others feelings, may have been teh exact same reason, some one else is gaining control over me. (oh quick aside, no "someone", just some one, the ex, to be exact)
Yes, well, the ex now has entered my life, and I don't even know if he knows he has.
But heres the severity of the situation. I think he's unstable yet I'm in therapy.
I have been sent home from work for "low performance" and to "recouparate"
--Do you know how pathetic I feel?
To be sent home for feeling responsible for someone else's flip out????
UGHHHHH!!!! Agravating to say the least.
But there it is. Plain as day I am the one crying at intersections, wondering if I'll attend the last remembrances of a man I once loved, all while feeling guilty as hell, and not having one ounce of remorse all tied into one.
Is this clear? perhaps not. perhaps it shouldn't be.
Atop, all random past lives coming to haunt me, the following has interjected itself upon my life: Area responsibilities to my beloved organization have me spending enormous ammount of money I do not posess. Traveling to schools and setting up meetings with Coordinators I do not know, Most importantly giving myself a burden that I really don't have to take on, but ah the crazy things we do in the name of love--this time love of an organization
Meanwhile,
(this is wheere I wish people would hear the announcer from the old Batman series---Meanwhile---)
Yes Holy Blunt Smokers Bat-fuck, hehehe wow, tht one was too close to real, yes well.
Smoking, hmm, bad habbit I almost started. Almost, as if Lighting a cigarette sticking it in your mouth and puffing it till it's gone doesn't constitute a relapse? hmmm
smoking is nothing compared to the drinking.
Aw, AA here I come. I am a trouble child, and all my friends remedy me with mind altering substances.
It's quite odd really. I don't think I have a drinking problem. yet let me consider the past few nights?
This morning--(yes I know, not last night, but hair of the dog???)
Last night--one shot, one mixed drink; Rationalization: 21 year old birthday celebration.
Oh wait: I also had a drink before the game: OJ and Captain: rationalization: pre-game drink
K-night before: half a bottle of wine: not my fault: I was all dressed up to go to the homecoming dance, didn't go, because I'm responsible, ended up staying at home all dressed up with no where to go, C took pitty on me and brought wine and a movie over. in the words of C "God I love wine"
well before C came over, I had started that night too: why? because I was freaking loosing it! I had just missed the homecoming game because I was being a responsible Supervisor and doing an emergency meeting. I thought I had earned a drink.
Okay: night before: hmmm. This is looking bad.
Okay night before: Drinks with the girls: I wanted dish on the "house" and with the "ex" what better way to do it than over margarittas at chillis? okay so 5 of those? but really it's one presidente right????
alright night before: *sigh, this isn't what it appears, really* Marine wanted to go out, we exchanged: "whose life is worse" stories: I won. Of course. two mixed drinks for me two beers for him,
Night before????um....no, see no drinking on a monday night? um.....hmmmm....sad thing is I don't remember monday. I just remember crying. lots of crying on monday, wanting to smoke on monday. didn't but wanted to. no by monday i was smoking. i don't think i drank??? worse thing is I don't remember
Sunday, didn't drink but wanted to,
Saturday, don't remember
Friday: double tequilla shots.
thats it thats all i can honestly remember.
well, yeah, thats pathetic. And if anyone wants to judge, go ahead, but seriously deal with the week I had and then judge, I guarentee, you would have been drinkng too.
one of those nights I didn't drink, C kept me content, I remember that....weird convos me and C have been having lately, very truthful, very real, we're all growing up so very fast.
speaking of growing up. I need to. LOL. so does my taste in boys. Yes new boy. what else is new--well this boy i guess, brand new, a whole maybe twelve hours old, and perhaps looks about twelve years old,
no i lie :)
but he does look only 21, if that,
i think I'm ridiculous. Boy gives me a hug at work, and all of a sudden it's enough to catch my eye. I mean, hmmm. Okay hmmm stop.
yeah. hmmm friday night, C ditches me and tequilla ness for his bro's ---yeah, k. we ended up talking till 1 as usual.
OH YEAH, that was my saturday!!! I played pissed off wifey at his parents. lol, yeah, pretty funny when the sis tell you to "stop fighting like an old married couple" --*lol, I laugh beccause I know it's hilarious. aw yes, that was a real night,
C blew me off last night too, got drunk off his ass and I assumed flirted with every girl that qould let him. hmmm. does it disturb me?
yes and no,
yes because he's a dork,
and 2 because he's well, in C's words "were gonna play a game, and it's called I win"
-----
blah, do you love how this is just a random string of incohesive, but very eloquent verbal garbage that explains nothing?
________hahah
story of my life: elaboration without purpose.
shall we update boy-ness:
only love one boy as always, he knows it, he's confortable with it, "Great"
Laundry boy, i think he's given up:
Marine: um: yeah unresolved issues with the ex still
grrr, ex, need to stay away, grrr, might hurt him
other, um ex?--ewe--yeah, have no idea, saw that through tear-shot eyes, can't imagine the spaz he thought he knew---but then again, he knew a very uncomplicated version of me---I like that, i want that again--no responsibilites, no cares, no worries, etc etc---maybe thats why i got attatched? still a bafflement sometimes
salsa boy, haven't tried to call him since last friday when he blew me off, grrr, should call him, all others, well obviously not important enought to mention right?
no i lie- poor playa playa, his yanks lost :(
all others i just a dillusional if i think i talk or tink of them more than 5 minutes in a day?
but seriously, huh?
----
boy at work--young, prob. underage. bad. prob smokes more than cigarettes, cute baby face, def, not my type. hmmm
must stop.
must learn to be alone.
this is why i need a therapist. no external validation from boys!!!!!
_________oh
important stufff:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOUR AND FIVE
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AOS
HAPPR BIRTHDAY "--NESS
______yeah
CONGRASTS TO HER ROYAL CUTENESS, NOW BACK ON BAND< DESPITE A JACKED ENGLISH TEACHER
OH AND I LOVE YOU TO MY 14 year old CRUSH! THANK YOU FOR THE VOICEMAIL, HEE HEE
HMMMM---okay loserness, is me, I nmeed to do homework, yeah, homework.
and you know what??? some people need to either get AIM or start getting on it, me being alone out here in the internet world pisses me off and makes me want to look up chatrooms to find friends-just so i don't have to talk on the phone.
hmmmm---did i eat today?
damn, I ate one pizza, 2 beers, a rice crispy treat, a bag of cookies, and a coffee this morning, ---yeah, and i wonder why I'm looking and staying sick! grrr
what else was i supposed to watch/ do?
journal-K. Watch alcohol consumption--k. watch dependency on boys--k, stay away from ex--uh huh. What else? homework? yeah i should do that huh. hmmm. boring. --yeah need to get tips on how to motivate myself to get back to school. hmmm
grrr.
okay, J-if ya wanna through some luv my way, and a status update, it would be much appreciated, (you know since this was just so short)
7:50 PM | Filed Under | 0 Comments
Email from a sister
My Sister
Author Unknown
Every experience
Be it good or bad
Teaches us a lesson
Or at least it should
Mr. Right turned out to be Mr. Wrong
Learn from your mistakes
Keep the faith
Press forward, sister
Move on
Dry your tears
Wipe your eyes
Find the strength
Look inside
Don’t call him
Don’t see him
Don’t play one sad song
Block his cell
Delete his email
Look ahead ,my sister
Just move on
Love yourself
Take care of yourself
And if the need arises
Sister , please yourself
Do a check up
From the neck up
Say a prayer
Sista, hold your head up
Cause one day you’ll have all the joy your heart can hold
And then you’ll be glad you pressed forward
And so thankful you moved on2:47 PM | Filed Under | 0 Comments
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Whoa, Virgo, don't be so tough on yourself now. Sure, you may have some regrets about the what you've done in the past, but beating yourself up about that isn't going to help. Learn, forgive, and let yourself make a new start with romance now.
Whoa, Virgo, don't be so tough on yourself now. Sure, you may have some regrets about the what you've done in the past, but beating yourself up about that isn't going to help. Learn, forgive, and let yourself make a new start with romance now.
5:16 PM | Filed Under | 0 Comments
sitting in the car
Life is a game of patterns and chance, and those who play well will win.....
Boy 1. California boy: long gone and mocing on
Boy 2. The ex fiance: yeah, seperation anxiety but over
Boy 3: Mr. Someone: is somewhere: probably with someone else, to be honest, dunno
Boy 4: Laundrymat boy: yeah, ignoring his calls, I know I know! mean, but what can i do? he's 38. give me a break.
Boy 5: Playa playa, hell I don't even know where he's been the past month, hmmm...should call him.
Boy 6: Salsa/Tech boy. Didn't return my calls last night. :( that makes me grumpy
Boy 7: my marine, omg, he's so into his ex, but we really need to stop getting wasted and talking about sleeping with one another
Boy 8: Last not least: yeah,, cards not only were layed on the table-- they were thrown on the table. first fight in a long time since he found out about Boy 3, and this time was equally not as pretty. seriously: one day, I will lose my jealous streak, and stop falling for boys who expect me to wait around till they figure it out.
There, look, all on the table, yet again, hmmmm....i wonder who gives a rat's ass. LOL. I swear, I never hide anything.
"That's too easy, I have no secrets"
Moving, moving, phoenix plans as well. gonna spend 240 on plane travel for a little piece of wood. jeeze.
*sigh,
feeling a little peturbed at the waiting for people to figure out I'm a pretty freak'n amazing person--game.
and I hate always always knowing about other girls that will be gone in three weeks time. so so annoying. really, maybe ignorance is bliss.
8sigh, well at least I know where all the cards have fallen. oh welll....
i shall continue to play my hand at the tired game of life, love, and lust.
Boy 1. California boy: long gone and mocing on
Boy 2. The ex fiance: yeah, seperation anxiety but over
Boy 3: Mr. Someone: is somewhere: probably with someone else, to be honest, dunno
Boy 4: Laundrymat boy: yeah, ignoring his calls, I know I know! mean, but what can i do? he's 38. give me a break.
Boy 5: Playa playa, hell I don't even know where he's been the past month, hmmm...should call him.
Boy 6: Salsa/Tech boy. Didn't return my calls last night. :( that makes me grumpy
Boy 7: my marine, omg, he's so into his ex, but we really need to stop getting wasted and talking about sleeping with one another
Boy 8: Last not least: yeah,, cards not only were layed on the table-- they were thrown on the table. first fight in a long time since he found out about Boy 3, and this time was equally not as pretty. seriously: one day, I will lose my jealous streak, and stop falling for boys who expect me to wait around till they figure it out.
There, look, all on the table, yet again, hmmmm....i wonder who gives a rat's ass. LOL. I swear, I never hide anything.
"That's too easy, I have no secrets"
Moving, moving, phoenix plans as well. gonna spend 240 on plane travel for a little piece of wood. jeeze.
*sigh,
feeling a little peturbed at the waiting for people to figure out I'm a pretty freak'n amazing person--game.
and I hate always always knowing about other girls that will be gone in three weeks time. so so annoying. really, maybe ignorance is bliss.
8sigh, well at least I know where all the cards have fallen. oh welll....
i shall continue to play my hand at the tired game of life, love, and lust.
12:02 AM | Filed Under | 0 Comments
TM's from work
okay. today is a bad day. given. okay. its just work. i know. boys are
weirdly the best thing going for me. weird. have no time. losing
friends by the day.
Making new ones, i guess?
Making new ones, i guess?
12:20 PM | Filed Under | 0 Comments
don't do it....
K- quickie, before I go to hipity-hop:
Marine last night-- good times, great memories.
I should go off---- the convo, the looks, the way things just flowed in a haze of smoke.....
*Happy Sigh,
But tell me little universe, why is the highlight of my evening getting my voicemail in the bathroom of a bar, from a guy that I'm not with!!! LOL
I'll tell you--as usual, I'm being stupid.
If I'm not careful, I'm gonna blow it--again.
LOL, he makes me so happy! it's pathetic. He's been there the whole damn time, and i'm barely figuring this out!!! lol. Me and my timing issues. oh well, it's aight.
Winters coming and as usual the draw to be with someone is trying to impede on my newly found "Single-hood?"
lol, you know it's great when you have a guy for every day of the week, but only one has your heart, and he knows it.
Awww--shamelessness, and yet, no shame at all....
haha, i should invite a girl over. At least it keeps me from calling boys. Well, shhhhhh....let's listen to the rain and see who comes over shall we?
Marine last night-- good times, great memories.
I should go off---- the convo, the looks, the way things just flowed in a haze of smoke.....
*Happy Sigh,
But tell me little universe, why is the highlight of my evening getting my voicemail in the bathroom of a bar, from a guy that I'm not with!!! LOL
I'll tell you--as usual, I'm being stupid.
If I'm not careful, I'm gonna blow it--again.
LOL, he makes me so happy! it's pathetic. He's been there the whole damn time, and i'm barely figuring this out!!! lol. Me and my timing issues. oh well, it's aight.
Winters coming and as usual the draw to be with someone is trying to impede on my newly found "Single-hood?"
lol, you know it's great when you have a guy for every day of the week, but only one has your heart, and he knows it.
Awww--shamelessness, and yet, no shame at all....
haha, i should invite a girl over. At least it keeps me from calling boys. Well, shhhhhh....let's listen to the rain and see who comes over shall we?
4:18 PM | Filed Under | 0 Comments
more purpleness
Hello Little Universe! It's morning!
you know what I want?
"HANG OUT MAKE OUT HANG-OVER BREAKFAST"
Heres what today looks like :)
Daily Overview for October 09, 2004
Provided by Astrology.com Daily Extended Forecast
Quickie:
You and you-know-who are like complementary colors. You make each other brighter.
Overview:
Events from the past few days are now building toward a rather grand finale. It's definitely not going to be a boring time. Prepare yourself for some fireworks. Keep an extinguisher handy.
aw yes, aint that fresh? NOW WHO IS YOU KNOW WHO? Because I don't know? I know who i'd like it to be though??? (bad manda! no getting hopeful--are we done?---mmmm---yeah, k)
So just for the hell of it: Here's my virgo's:
OMG! Tech boy is a VIRGO too!!!!
Saturday, October 9, 2004
what is it with me and virgos?
well here's virgos:
Daily Overview for October 09, 2004
Provided by Astrology.com Daily Extended Forecast
Quickie:
True: You can't see the other side of the ocean. But that doesn't mean it isn't there.
Overview:
Chances are extremely good that a secret is about to be revealed. If it's you who's about to spill the beans, be sure you inform all parties concerned -- and the bigger the secret, the more quickly you should do it.
awww...sad... don't like virgo's horoscope :(
welll maybe a virgo is about to tell me his big secret is he's madly in love with me? HAHA
RIGHT! Because that would happen with any of them!
well yahoo guru isn't earning any points with me today.
i want breakfast! who should i call? hmmmm.....cartoons? cartoons, randomness, cartoons, randomness
(are you visualizing the weighing of possibilities with arm gestures?)
lets see, who's online?
grrr.....no one good :(
cartoons it is--oh theres' the roomie---
looks like garage sales, okay--whatever
you know what I want?
"HANG OUT MAKE OUT HANG-OVER BREAKFAST"
Heres what today looks like :)
Daily Overview for October 09, 2004
Provided by Astrology.com Daily Extended Forecast
Quickie:
You and you-know-who are like complementary colors. You make each other brighter.
Overview:
Events from the past few days are now building toward a rather grand finale. It's definitely not going to be a boring time. Prepare yourself for some fireworks. Keep an extinguisher handy.
aw yes, aint that fresh? NOW WHO IS YOU KNOW WHO? Because I don't know? I know who i'd like it to be though??? (bad manda! no getting hopeful--are we done?---mmmm---yeah, k)
So just for the hell of it: Here's my virgo's:
OMG! Tech boy is a VIRGO too!!!!
Saturday, October 9, 2004
what is it with me and virgos?
well here's virgos:
Daily Overview for October 09, 2004
Provided by Astrology.com Daily Extended Forecast
Quickie:
True: You can't see the other side of the ocean. But that doesn't mean it isn't there.
Overview:
Chances are extremely good that a secret is about to be revealed. If it's you who's about to spill the beans, be sure you inform all parties concerned -- and the bigger the secret, the more quickly you should do it.
awww...sad... don't like virgo's horoscope :(
welll maybe a virgo is about to tell me his big secret is he's madly in love with me? HAHA
RIGHT! Because that would happen with any of them!
well yahoo guru isn't earning any points with me today.
i want breakfast! who should i call? hmmmm.....cartoons? cartoons, randomness, cartoons, randomness
(are you visualizing the weighing of possibilities with arm gestures?)
lets see, who's online?
grrr.....no one good :(
cartoons it is--oh theres' the roomie---
looks like garage sales, okay--whatever
9:00 AM | Filed Under | 0 Comments
gotta love kerry
Kay--
so, wide awake at 2:43 am. the roomie is watching the debate, and yup, i'm swayed each day by kerry. For once not for the total incompetance of his opponent, but his actual stance on issues. i'm pretty impressed, and thats rare. but the proof is in the puddin'.
So "the date". Was short. nice, expensive, got V's approval. it is verified. laundry boy is cute. I'm slightly annoyed in the fact that boys think they're "entitled" to kiss you because they take you out., I mean c'mon. WEll, whatever. But it was cool. he wants to see me again, and i told him straight out--"I'm not trying to get into anything serious."
Grrrr--hmmm, so I missed 9 calls, 4 messages, while i was on the so-called "date."
LOL,I so got in trouble, lol. Everyone had no idea where I was. it was funny. rude i guess but funny. lol, well, sorry ladies. my bad.
so got back home from 'the date"--then called another boy. convinced him to drive an hour and a half to come see me, lol, and he did. :)
wen't to a party, had a chill, good time.
it was nice. we'll see if he calls? do i want him to call? *happy sigh
I don't know? hee hee, as my co-worker said to me today
"I wish I had your problems"
yup, these are the problems I love.
can't do breakfast with tech boy, because already have plans with Marine, not getting attatched to marine because theres a thread of hope with someone else. lol.
but not stopping this time to check the score, good advice given to me by someone ;)
*happy sigh, for once not worried about getting caught, but not doing anything shady either I guess. *shrug, not that I ever thought anything i did was shady. just personal I guess, hmmm.
ne-ways, good times, getting sleepy.
*happy sigh. thank you universe.
me happy. lol, if i can just stay unattatched we'll be doing good.
*yawn. good night/ morning/ me. :)
so, wide awake at 2:43 am. the roomie is watching the debate, and yup, i'm swayed each day by kerry. For once not for the total incompetance of his opponent, but his actual stance on issues. i'm pretty impressed, and thats rare. but the proof is in the puddin'.
So "the date". Was short. nice, expensive, got V's approval. it is verified. laundry boy is cute. I'm slightly annoyed in the fact that boys think they're "entitled" to kiss you because they take you out., I mean c'mon. WEll, whatever. But it was cool. he wants to see me again, and i told him straight out--"I'm not trying to get into anything serious."
Grrrr--hmmm, so I missed 9 calls, 4 messages, while i was on the so-called "date."
LOL,I so got in trouble, lol. Everyone had no idea where I was. it was funny. rude i guess but funny. lol, well, sorry ladies. my bad.
so got back home from 'the date"--then called another boy. convinced him to drive an hour and a half to come see me, lol, and he did. :)
wen't to a party, had a chill, good time.
it was nice. we'll see if he calls? do i want him to call? *happy sigh
I don't know? hee hee, as my co-worker said to me today
"I wish I had your problems"
yup, these are the problems I love.
can't do breakfast with tech boy, because already have plans with Marine, not getting attatched to marine because theres a thread of hope with someone else. lol.
but not stopping this time to check the score, good advice given to me by someone ;)
*happy sigh, for once not worried about getting caught, but not doing anything shady either I guess. *shrug, not that I ever thought anything i did was shady. just personal I guess, hmmm.
ne-ways, good times, getting sleepy.
*happy sigh. thank you universe.
me happy. lol, if i can just stay unattatched we'll be doing good.
*yawn. good night/ morning/ me. :)
1:57 AM | Filed Under | 0 Comments
gotta love kerry
Kay--
so, wide awake at 2:43 am. the roomie is watching the debate, and yup, i'm swayed each day by kerry. For once not for the total incompetance of his opponent, but his actual stance on issues. i'm pretty impressed, and thats rare. but the proof is in the puddin'.
So "the date". Was short. nice, expensive, got V's approval. it is verified. laundry boy is cute. I'm slightly annoyed in the fact that boys think they're "entitled" to kiss you because they take you out., I mean c'mon. WEll, whatever. But it was cool. he wants to see me again, and i told him straight out--"I'm not trying to get into anything serious."
Grrrr--hmmm, so I missed 9 calls, 4 messages, while i was on the so-called "date."
LOL,I so got in trouble, lol. Everyone had no idea where I was. it was funny. rude i guess but funny. lol, well, sorry ladies. my bad.
so got back home from 'the date"--then called another boy. convinced him to drive an hour and a half to come see me, lol, and he did. :)
wen't to a party, had a chill, good time.
it was nice. we'll see if he calls? do i want him to call? *happy sigh
I don't know? hee hee, as my co-worker said to me today
"I wish I had your problems"
yup, these are the problems I love.
can't do breakfast with tech boy, because already have plans with Marine, not getting attatched to marine because theres a thread of hope with someone else. lol.
but not stopping this time to check the score, good advice given to me by someone ;)
*happy sigh, for once not worried about getting caught, but not doing anything shady either I guess. *shrug, not that I ever thought anything i did was shady. just personal I guess, hmmm.
ne-ways, good times, getting sleepy.
*happy sigh. thank you universe.
me happy. lol, if i can just stay unattatched we'll be doing good.
*yawn. good night/ morning/ me. :)
so, wide awake at 2:43 am. the roomie is watching the debate, and yup, i'm swayed each day by kerry. For once not for the total incompetance of his opponent, but his actual stance on issues. i'm pretty impressed, and thats rare. but the proof is in the puddin'.
So "the date". Was short. nice, expensive, got V's approval. it is verified. laundry boy is cute. I'm slightly annoyed in the fact that boys think they're "entitled" to kiss you because they take you out., I mean c'mon. WEll, whatever. But it was cool. he wants to see me again, and i told him straight out--"I'm not trying to get into anything serious."
Grrrr--hmmm, so I missed 9 calls, 4 messages, while i was on the so-called "date."
LOL,I so got in trouble, lol. Everyone had no idea where I was. it was funny. rude i guess but funny. lol, well, sorry ladies. my bad.
so got back home from 'the date"--then called another boy. convinced him to drive an hour and a half to come see me, lol, and he did. :)
wen't to a party, had a chill, good time.
it was nice. we'll see if he calls? do i want him to call? *happy sigh
I don't know? hee hee, as my co-worker said to me today
"I wish I had your problems"
yup, these are the problems I love.
can't do breakfast with tech boy, because already have plans with Marine, not getting attatched to marine because theres a thread of hope with someone else. lol.
but not stopping this time to check the score, good advice given to me by someone ;)
*happy sigh, for once not worried about getting caught, but not doing anything shady either I guess. *shrug, not that I ever thought anything i did was shady. just personal I guess, hmmm.
ne-ways, good times, getting sleepy.
*happy sigh. thank you universe.
me happy. lol, if i can just stay unattatched we'll be doing good.
*yawn. good night/ morning/ me. :)
1:57 AM | Filed Under | 0 Comments
ahhhh!!!!
OMG! SO YES MY MARINE IS IN TOWN! yAY!!!
i SHOULD GET A GRIP BECAUSE IF HE READS THIS HE'S GOING TO THINK I'M AN IDIOT, BUT OH WELL, KINDA AM.
hAHA! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! IT WILL BE JUST LIKE OLD TIMES, LOL. EXCEPT, I'M CUTER AND HE'S A MARINE, AND YEAH, OKAY---ahh!!!! I AM SUCH A GIRL RIGHT NOW.
sTARBUCKS ADVENTURES, MONTGOMERY NIGHTS, RANDOM FLIRTATION THAT NEVER GOES ANYWHERE, LOL. IT'LL BE HOT.
*SIGH. OKAY, CALMING DOWN.
I SO HAVE THIS STUPID DATE THING I HAVE TO GET READY FOR, AND THEN THERES A PAJAMA PARTY! yAY PJ-NESS. i WONDER WHICH OF MY GIRLS WILL BE IN ATTENDANCE? PLOTTING TO TAKE A BOY THERE. AND NO NOT THE BOY I'M ON THE DATE WITH. i'LL BE FORCING MYSELF TO DRINK WITH HIM, AT THIS RATE.
i WONDER WHY i AM SO ADVERSE TO DOING THIS THING TONIGHT? HMMMM. i DON'T KNOW, HE IS CUTE?
mY MARINE SAID HE'D SO "PLAY PRETEND WITH ME" AND BE MY BOYFRIEND. hEEHEE
*aMANDA PEREZ LYRICS JUMP TO MY HEAD---" wOULD YOU BE MY BOYFRIEND---FOR THE NIGHT?"
WOW, I USED TO SAY I'D DO ANYTHING TO HAVE THIS BOY WITH ME FOR A NIGHT! AND NOW I HAVE HIM FOR LIKE WOW, MAYBE A MONTH!
DAMN, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
--WELL, WERE NOT GOING TO FALL IN LOVE OR GET ATTATCHED, OR DO ANYTHING ELSE STUPID LIKE THAT, BUT WOW, I'M SINGLE AND MARINE BOY IS REALLY HERE.
AND YEAH, OMG!!!! I'M SO NOT OVER MY BOY BEING HOME!!!!
*SIGH, i THINK HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND MIGHT WANT TO KICK MY ASS THOUGH? HMMM....RANDOMNESS WITH THE BLONDES NOT LIKING ME. HMMM. ALWAYS OVER BOYS TOO. HMMM.
OKAY CALMING DOWN. wHEW---
GOT TO SHOWER AND GET READY!
HEY LOSERS OUT THERE READING THIS! YES, YOU! (NO JUST KIDDING, i LOVE YOU ALL!!!!) sOMEONE WRITE SO I KNOW i'M LOVED, HUH? i NEVER SEE ANYONE ONLINE, OR AT SCHOOL, OR ANYTHING, JUST WHEN I'M AT HOME, AKA, THE lAMBDAHOTEL--NOW SERVING CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST :) K---LOVE YA'S, Y BESITOS PARA UNO,
WOW--JUST A SIDE BAR? WHERE OH WHERE DID I PUT MY HEART? HMMMM....DID YOU EVER STOP TO REMEMBER SOMETHING, AND THEN JUST FORGET?
PSSSST. JAKE GETS A KISS FROM ME, I MISS HIM.
OMG! SO YES MY MARINE IS IN TOWN! yAY!!!
i SHOULD GET A GRIP BECAUSE IF HE READS THIS HE'S GOING TO THINK I'M AN IDIOT, BUT OH WELL, KINDA AM.
hAHA! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! IT WILL BE JUST LIKE OLD TIMES, LOL. EXCEPT, I'M CUTER AND HE'S A MARINE, AND YEAH, OKAY---ahh!!!! I AM SUCH A GIRL RIGHT NOW.
sTARBUCKS ADVENTURES, MONTGOMERY NIGHTS, RANDOM FLIRTATION THAT NEVER GOES ANYWHERE, LOL. IT'LL BE HOT.
*SIGH. OKAY, CALMING DOWN.
I SO HAVE THIS STUPID DATE THING I HAVE TO GET READY FOR, AND THEN THERES A PAJAMA PARTY! yAY PJ-NESS. i WONDER WHICH OF MY GIRLS WILL BE IN ATTENDANCE? PLOTTING TO TAKE A BOY THERE. AND NO NOT THE BOY I'M ON THE DATE WITH. i'LL BE FORCING MYSELF TO DRINK WITH HIM, AT THIS RATE.
i WONDER WHY i AM SO ADVERSE TO DOING THIS THING TONIGHT? HMMMM. i DON'T KNOW, HE IS CUTE?
mY MARINE SAID HE'D SO "PLAY PRETEND WITH ME" AND BE MY BOYFRIEND. hEEHEE
*aMANDA PEREZ LYRICS JUMP TO MY HEAD---" wOULD YOU BE MY BOYFRIEND---FOR THE NIGHT?"
WOW, I USED TO SAY I'D DO ANYTHING TO HAVE THIS BOY WITH ME FOR A NIGHT! AND NOW I HAVE HIM FOR LIKE WOW, MAYBE A MONTH!
DAMN, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
--WELL, WERE NOT GOING TO FALL IN LOVE OR GET ATTATCHED, OR DO ANYTHING ELSE STUPID LIKE THAT, BUT WOW, I'M SINGLE AND MARINE BOY IS REALLY HERE.
AND YEAH, OMG!!!! I'M SO NOT OVER MY BOY BEING HOME!!!!
*SIGH, i THINK HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND MIGHT WANT TO KICK MY ASS THOUGH? HMMM....RANDOMNESS WITH THE BLONDES NOT LIKING ME. HMMM. ALWAYS OVER BOYS TOO. HMMM.
OKAY CALMING DOWN. wHEW---
GOT TO SHOWER AND GET READY!
HEY LOSERS OUT THERE READING THIS! YES, YOU! (NO JUST KIDDING, i LOVE YOU ALL!!!!) sOMEONE WRITE SO I KNOW i'M LOVED, HUH? i NEVER SEE ANYONE ONLINE, OR AT SCHOOL, OR ANYTHING, JUST WHEN I'M AT HOME, AKA, THE lAMBDAHOTEL--NOW SERVING CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST :) K---LOVE YA'S, Y BESITOS PARA UNO,
WOW--JUST A SIDE BAR? WHERE OH WHERE DID I PUT MY HEART? HMMMM....DID YOU EVER STOP TO REMEMBER SOMETHING, AND THEN JUST FORGET?
PSSSST. JAKE GETS A KISS FROM ME, I MISS HIM.
4:57 PM | Filed Under | 0 Comments
She comes and goes...
"There may be something in what you say, Rabbit," he
said at last. " I have been neglecting you. I must move about
more. I must come and go."
"That's right, Eeyore. Drop in on any of us at any time, when you feel like it."
"Thank you, Rabbit. And if anyone says in a Loud Voice 'Bother, it's Eeyore,' I can drop out again."
LOL--
_____________
Hello little blog universe of mine. I'm really wondering what my readership looks like lately? Haven't talked to anyone or done anything. I have 194 email, and a big 'ol national meeting on Sunday with paperwork i need to finish to night. (yes, this is why I am procrastinating and writing in the journal.)
I have a date with Laundrymat boy manana, yeah, o-kay. I guess he's not a "boy" per se, being 38 and all. oh well.
went out with the girls last night, margarittaville came early for me, and I was in a rather "good" mood. hee hee
Met a guy named James, or Jake, or Jason, or something??? He was a'ight. nice game, definately brought the ego up to cocky and a half by the time I left the club.
Gotta admit the universe is being pretty good to me, and I thank you universe for that, so if we can keep this cool non-flow of expectations, with pleasant surprises going, I would certainly appreciate it.
lol.
I'm kicking ass at work, but am getting sick :(
Yeah, all DZ's Fault!!!!! Grrrrr....JK.
What else? hmmm...I don't know? I'm totally in this good place right now...
I've got boys calling me, which is nice.
LOL--I really want to go off right now on the goodness of coming home at 4 in the morning right now, lol, But suffice it to say, good times.....
The Streets known as a "Row" have been kinder to me, and harder on some, and that's a shame. I miss the fun, but none of the drama. To be honest, I really wonder about some people sometimes. Seems I have an odd schedule to where I see or hear from no one anymore.
Oh well, the life of ---
Anyways, Had a great time last night.
Surprisingly, don't feel like I'm drowning in the shallow pool anymore, and *smile* kinda know I have a friend that can teach me to swim if need be. :)
yeah--*happy sigh* date tommorow, lol, we'll see.
my dad's birthday is today! Yay happy birthday him.
hmmmm....what else,---yeah i'm procrastinating. school, is okay, work is okay, boys are okay, lambda ness--i'm avoiding. what else is in my life? family, yeah, talked to and about them already? J-still misses his girl, J-low--well, lets respect her right now, C-well,lol, he's happy, i think? um....who else? haven't heard from the ex. mr. someone is living the homelife, which seems cool i guess. who else? my house is still the lambda hotel, lol. but i'm adjusting. dooo-doo-dooo, okay. I should work---booo on work.. I'll write more, when I have a life. bye peeps.
"That's right, Eeyore. Drop in on any of us at any time, when you feel like it."
"Thank you, Rabbit. And if anyone says in a Loud Voice 'Bother, it's Eeyore,' I can drop out again."
LOL--
_____________
Hello little blog universe of mine. I'm really wondering what my readership looks like lately? Haven't talked to anyone or done anything. I have 194 email, and a big 'ol national meeting on Sunday with paperwork i need to finish to night. (yes, this is why I am procrastinating and writing in the journal.)
I have a date with Laundrymat boy manana, yeah, o-kay. I guess he's not a "boy" per se, being 38 and all. oh well.
went out with the girls last night, margarittaville came early for me, and I was in a rather "good" mood. hee hee
Met a guy named James, or Jake, or Jason, or something??? He was a'ight. nice game, definately brought the ego up to cocky and a half by the time I left the club.
Gotta admit the universe is being pretty good to me, and I thank you universe for that, so if we can keep this cool non-flow of expectations, with pleasant surprises going, I would certainly appreciate it.
lol.
I'm kicking ass at work, but am getting sick :(
Yeah, all DZ's Fault!!!!! Grrrrr....JK.
What else? hmmm...I don't know? I'm totally in this good place right now...
I've got boys calling me, which is nice.
LOL--I really want to go off right now on the goodness of coming home at 4 in the morning right now, lol, But suffice it to say, good times.....
The Streets known as a "Row" have been kinder to me, and harder on some, and that's a shame. I miss the fun, but none of the drama. To be honest, I really wonder about some people sometimes. Seems I have an odd schedule to where I see or hear from no one anymore.
Oh well, the life of ---
Anyways, Had a great time last night.
Surprisingly, don't feel like I'm drowning in the shallow pool anymore, and *smile* kinda know I have a friend that can teach me to swim if need be. :)
yeah--*happy sigh* date tommorow, lol, we'll see.
my dad's birthday is today! Yay happy birthday him.
hmmmm....what else,---yeah i'm procrastinating. school, is okay, work is okay, boys are okay, lambda ness--i'm avoiding. what else is in my life? family, yeah, talked to and about them already? J-still misses his girl, J-low--well, lets respect her right now, C-well,lol, he's happy, i think? um....who else? haven't heard from the ex. mr. someone is living the homelife, which seems cool i guess. who else? my house is still the lambda hotel, lol. but i'm adjusting. dooo-doo-dooo, okay. I should work---booo on work.. I'll write more, when I have a life. bye peeps.
7:55 PM | Filed Under | 0 Comments
more later
More later but this was just a funny blog note I saw today: I'm
obviously not the only one who feels the world is weird at times. lol.
so props to John for making me laugh.
http://journals.aol.com/johnmscalzi/bytheway/entries/100
I have tons to say but not much time to say it. hoping that all the people i ignored yesterday will not be mad and hopefully will call tonight.
do you ever get the feeling--no i was not going to bust out into song--but--do you ever think that you just saw something? but then think it's all in your head? I mean wishful thinking? but then you're like "No! I know what I saw" but then you're like, "Thats just not possible?" anyways, had one of those moments.
Oh, memorable quote of the "whatever" while speaking of moments:
new phrase for having a blonde moment: "I'm having a glitter and clear moment" --tee hee. that one was for you DZ.
hmmmm.....i really want to talk to people right now!!!!! no one that i want to talk to is online right now. grrrrrr. hur-rumph.
well, V killed a happy moment today, the above refrence to wishful thinking: (me thinking I saw something, which I probably didn't so this is all unimportant anyways)--anyways she killed it with a healthy dose of reality. yeah, thats why you love house-mates.---to kill your dreams and to let ya slide on rent....ah yes.(...aint that fresh)---okay j-lows looking at me and should be studying so i'm gonna see what's up now...talk more later.
http://journals.aol.com/johnmscalzi/bytheway/entries/100
I have tons to say but not much time to say it. hoping that all the people i ignored yesterday will not be mad and hopefully will call tonight.
do you ever get the feeling--no i was not going to bust out into song--but--do you ever think that you just saw something? but then think it's all in your head? I mean wishful thinking? but then you're like "No! I know what I saw" but then you're like, "Thats just not possible?" anyways, had one of those moments.
Oh, memorable quote of the "whatever" while speaking of moments:
new phrase for having a blonde moment: "I'm having a glitter and clear moment" --tee hee. that one was for you DZ.
hmmmm.....i really want to talk to people right now!!!!! no one that i want to talk to is online right now. grrrrrr. hur-rumph.
well, V killed a happy moment today, the above refrence to wishful thinking: (me thinking I saw something, which I probably didn't so this is all unimportant anyways)--anyways she killed it with a healthy dose of reality. yeah, thats why you love house-mates.---to kill your dreams and to let ya slide on rent....ah yes.(...aint that fresh)---okay j-lows looking at me and should be studying so i'm gonna see what's up now...talk more later.
7:44 PM | Filed Under | 0 Comments
october is here
Daily Overview for October 04, 2004
Provided by Astrology.com
Quickie:
You sat on the fence until it broke. At least now you know which side you're on.
True, true.
I'm so tired. Hip hop started to suck. to much pressure.
grrr....analogy for my life? maybe.
j-low misses me
been hanging out with I2 who has now been renamed DZ per her request. A most excellent request as she asserts she has no intentions of remaining an interest for long, i.e. she is determinged to be a sister. which makes me proud. yup yup.
so as i type this a tim mc graw song comes on reminding me of her ambition and some personal feelings.
When I'm here on this highway
Breathing diesel smoke
Driving hard for hours
Trying to make that Memphis show
People always ask me
"Son what does it take
To reach out and touch your dreams?"
To them I always say
Are you hungry?
Are you thirsty?
Is it a fire that burns you up inside?
How bad do you want it?
How bad do you need it?
Are you eating, sleeping, dreaming
With that one thing on your mind?
How bad do you want it?
How bad do you need it?
Cause if you want it all
You've got to lay it all out on the line
I get to make my living
Doing what I love
Every night I give my heart and soul
Sometimes that ain't enough
But brother, if you're like me
Looking down that road
Be careful of that wild wind, son
Sometimes it don't let go
Can you feel it?
Can you taste it?
Can you hear it knocking at your door?
How bad do you want it?
How bad do you need it?
Are you eating, sleeping, dreaming
With that one thing on your mind?
How bad do you want it?
How bad do you need it?
Cause if you want it all
You've got to lay it all out on the line
There's always a price you pay no matter what you do
If you're gonna climb that mountain to the top
It always comes down to
How bad do you want it?
How bad do you need it?
Are you eating, sleeping, dreaming
With that one thing on your mind?
How bad do you want it?
How bad do you need it?
Cause if you want it all
You've got to lay it all out on the line
k, speaking of lyrics...
yesterdays lyrics apply to the fact that some boy asked me out yesterday. doing my laundry all depressed, sitting minding my own buisness being eyore, and feeling like it's all gonna rain, and per previous journal request the universe providing a new boy to be all nice to me. it was cool. he's 38. yeah....i don't know about that. but he said he wanted to take me out "before I got a boyfriend"--yeah, cute, laughable but cute.
so we'll see, no harm in having dinner right?
yeah, it's weird i get so attatched to my boys and i looked at this guy and I was like "hmm, yeah---no. " but think "what the hell, better than being depressed,, right?"
*sigh
talked to the ex again last night, yeah i think i'm killing that scenario, i don't think theres a way to be friends with that one. sad really.
talked to C last night, in person, on IM and then on the phone, lol,.
yeah, i have detatchment issues. lol
j-low is coming over tonight, a talk needs to happen
my house is the lambda hotel. i always have people over!
well, damn, i need to shower than sleep. should be like fuck it, but i really feel like fuck me. anyways, schools slippiong and i'm not liking it. need to prioritize, really, this work thing is totally messing with my schedule 'o' things.
dZ is yelling, lol, well i thought i was pissed, hmmm....
Quickie:
You sat on the fence until it broke. At least now you know which side you're on.
True, true.
I'm so tired. Hip hop started to suck. to much pressure.
grrr....analogy for my life? maybe.
j-low misses me
been hanging out with I2 who has now been renamed DZ per her request. A most excellent request as she asserts she has no intentions of remaining an interest for long, i.e. she is determinged to be a sister. which makes me proud. yup yup.
so as i type this a tim mc graw song comes on reminding me of her ambition and some personal feelings.
When I'm here on this highway
Breathing diesel smoke
Driving hard for hours
Trying to make that Memphis show
People always ask me
"Son what does it take
To reach out and touch your dreams?"
To them I always say
Are you hungry?
Are you thirsty?
Is it a fire that burns you up inside?
How bad do you want it?
How bad do you need it?
Are you eating, sleeping, dreaming
With that one thing on your mind?
How bad do you want it?
How bad do you need it?
Cause if you want it all
You've got to lay it all out on the line
I get to make my living
Doing what I love
Every night I give my heart and soul
Sometimes that ain't enough
But brother, if you're like me
Looking down that road
Be careful of that wild wind, son
Sometimes it don't let go
Can you feel it?
Can you taste it?
Can you hear it knocking at your door?
How bad do you want it?
How bad do you need it?
Are you eating, sleeping, dreaming
With that one thing on your mind?
How bad do you want it?
How bad do you need it?
Cause if you want it all
You've got to lay it all out on the line
There's always a price you pay no matter what you do
If you're gonna climb that mountain to the top
It always comes down to
How bad do you want it?
How bad do you need it?
Are you eating, sleeping, dreaming
With that one thing on your mind?
How bad do you want it?
How bad do you need it?
Cause if you want it all
You've got to lay it all out on the line
k, speaking of lyrics...
yesterdays lyrics apply to the fact that some boy asked me out yesterday. doing my laundry all depressed, sitting minding my own buisness being eyore, and feeling like it's all gonna rain, and per previous journal request the universe providing a new boy to be all nice to me. it was cool. he's 38. yeah....i don't know about that. but he said he wanted to take me out "before I got a boyfriend"--yeah, cute, laughable but cute.
so we'll see, no harm in having dinner right?
yeah, it's weird i get so attatched to my boys and i looked at this guy and I was like "hmm, yeah---no. " but think "what the hell, better than being depressed,, right?"
*sigh
talked to the ex again last night, yeah i think i'm killing that scenario, i don't think theres a way to be friends with that one. sad really.
talked to C last night, in person, on IM and then on the phone, lol,.
yeah, i have detatchment issues. lol
j-low is coming over tonight, a talk needs to happen
my house is the lambda hotel. i always have people over!
well, damn, i need to shower than sleep. should be like fuck it, but i really feel like fuck me. anyways, schools slippiong and i'm not liking it. need to prioritize, really, this work thing is totally messing with my schedule 'o' things.
dZ is yelling, lol, well i thought i was pissed, hmmm....
8:10 PM | Filed Under | 0 Comments
If you feelin like a pimp nigga, go and brush your shoulders off. Ladies is pimps too, go and brush your shoulders off
Niggaz is crazy baby, don't forget that boy told you. Get, that, dirt off your shoulder
I probably owe it to y'all, proud to be locked by the force
Tryin to hustle some things, that go with the Porsche
Feelin no remorse, feelin like my hand was forced
Middle finger to the Lord, nigga grip I'm a boss
Stab the ladies they love me, from the bleachers they screamin
All the ballers is bouncin they like the way I be leanin
All the rappers be hatin, off the track that I'm makin
But all the hustlers they love it just to see one of us make it
Niggaz is crazy baby, don't forget that boy told you. Get, that, dirt off your shoulder
I probably owe it to y'all, proud to be locked by the force
Tryin to hustle some things, that go with the Porsche
Feelin no remorse, feelin like my hand was forced
Middle finger to the Lord, nigga grip I'm a boss
Stab the ladies they love me, from the bleachers they screamin
All the ballers is bouncin they like the way I be leanin
All the rappers be hatin, off the track that I'm makin
But all the hustlers they love it just to see one of us make it
6:22 PM | Filed Under | 0 Comments
um...okay....
*sigh, okay world, i don't even know what to say.
work is killing me!!! lol, not really, it's the easiest job in the world. i just don't like waking up at 8 am.
guys, i'm starting to hate this place. Theres nothing and no one here for me, I think. I love c, and thats great, but he's stupid and well yeah.
then theres Mr. cool calm and collected, and as predicted by my dreams I guess, there was a third girl, eventually everyone would see as the "winner"???
Do you ever win in these games in love?
I don't think so. I'mn sitting here, all heart broken but not really surprised.
I think people know when other people are through with them, and I think I was done three weeks ago.
Here's an analogy: I think I'm like a carton of milk??? the expiration date was coming up, and eventually it passed, and yup, now everything has just gone bad.
well, not bad, I just feel thrown away. tossed aside and disregarded for tommorows trash.
(reminds me, trash day is tommorow? hmmm...)
I don't even know what to feel. I mean part of me knew it, saw it coming, and to be honest I'm not even sad. I mean you can't be sad over something that was truly never formed right?
I can't be mad that someone doesn't love me back? I mean, c'mon, did I ever expect it to work???
maybe I didn't, but yeah, i did hope for something, I don't know why. *sigh. I do feel hurt. I know that. it hurts when the guy you love is able to just disregard you after a week and be like, oh yeah, I'm dating someone new.
How do you respond to something like that?:
"Oh someone else? Cool."
"Hmmm....someone new, great,---good job?"
I don't even know. --Thats the truth of it, I just don't even know how to feel anymore. I have this feeling like I want to mix between a laugh and a cry.
I really think that is my way of coping.
Laugh till you cry, cry till you sleep?
But I'm not sleepy. *sigh
People--he found someone new!
I'm not really talking to anyone, just the voices in my head. I think if I tell myself over and over again, it might sink in.
---
you know what hurts the most? let me tell you, (my journal, I can do that)
amoungst my list this is whats hurts:
1. the fact that he said he cared and then in less than 24 hours he was with someone new.
2. the fact that he was able to leave his girlfriend for this new girl, which makes me think I really must have screwed up
3. I hate the fact that I have this complex like I'm not good enough!?!?!?
--Sidebar: do you know what J-low has made me recite as a mantra to get through this? (Again let me tell you-- my journal, my perogitive.)
the mantra is as follows:
"I am a strong, beautiful, and independent woman. Though it may be hard--and it may take all my strength--I will get through this-- and I deserve better."
Yeah, O-kay!
*sigh! I hate this! Seriously, how come your heart can't listen to 1. the boy saying, "Im dating someone new" 2. Your brain saying, you will not die. this is okay?
and 3. everyone that Does know, saying "Let go already" it's driving us nuts!!!
Grrrr...wow, I hate this like 5 people know that My life is upside down over this stupid heart hic-cup, and sadly, this guy is dating someone else!!! I mean c'mon, Why can't I get this!
I guess my other personality's response would be: 1. he's dated someone before, and that never stopped you. 2. the body says, hmmm I vaguely remember that, and Mr. someone was good times, you should defn. not let someone like him go, and the hearts saying hmmm, yes brain you're stupid, I'm breaking so, shut up and let me love him. 3. everyone is really only no one, because they all think i've moved on, to what or whom I don't know because as far as I can tell they all think I'm happy working.
*sigh yeah, okay. trying to calm down.
talked to the "other ex" today, you remember the "real ex" the one whom I was engaged to, did love me, made a big mistake, and as I still recall tried to run me and J-low over, yeah that one. yeah, talked to him today. randomness. Weird talking to him. feel like telling him, yeah so you moved on huh? yeah, me too, and now I'm miserable, so rejoice!
lol. you know me and j-low have talked recently about the reprucussions of my summer, what it would mean, what it would do, if anyone, who really gave a damn might ever find out. we predicted death (again another dream, in which someone is thrown off a roof)--ww3, to where allies and enemies of bloodslaughter would be picked and, a possible burning at the stake or stoning. ---yeah, all pleasant things to be reminded of everytime I feel like "sharing"
---never gonna happen. I should just move away now. change my name, my number, move to Novascotia and forget the life I had. (lol)
wow, i really do love this guy. I really do and it absolutely sucks, I almost cried, but I'm not. Like a moron, I'm rationalizing this in my head about how "I have no right to be upset" and "It's okay" and "one day..." wishful thinking. *ugh! disgusting.
I make myself want to throw up.
This is what Alcibides meant in the symposium about erotic love, this right here!!!!
this disgusting, hold people undeserving onto a pedastal, hold yourself below the earth, and pray that just a glance will be given to you and all will be well.
Errrr.....well , when I'm done being an idiot world, I'll let you know.
Until then I guess the lights still on, the doors still unlocked, and my phone is always on.
Maybe the universe will be nice and give me newness to love? okay--here comes my "grape side" (lol) i don't want anything new, I just want things back to better? *yeah, k, shutting up now.
work is killing me!!! lol, not really, it's the easiest job in the world. i just don't like waking up at 8 am.
guys, i'm starting to hate this place. Theres nothing and no one here for me, I think. I love c, and thats great, but he's stupid and well yeah.
then theres Mr. cool calm and collected, and as predicted by my dreams I guess, there was a third girl, eventually everyone would see as the "winner"???
Do you ever win in these games in love?
I don't think so. I'mn sitting here, all heart broken but not really surprised.
I think people know when other people are through with them, and I think I was done three weeks ago.
Here's an analogy: I think I'm like a carton of milk??? the expiration date was coming up, and eventually it passed, and yup, now everything has just gone bad.
well, not bad, I just feel thrown away. tossed aside and disregarded for tommorows trash.
(reminds me, trash day is tommorow? hmmm...)
I don't even know what to feel. I mean part of me knew it, saw it coming, and to be honest I'm not even sad. I mean you can't be sad over something that was truly never formed right?
I can't be mad that someone doesn't love me back? I mean, c'mon, did I ever expect it to work???
maybe I didn't, but yeah, i did hope for something, I don't know why. *sigh. I do feel hurt. I know that. it hurts when the guy you love is able to just disregard you after a week and be like, oh yeah, I'm dating someone new.
How do you respond to something like that?:
"Oh someone else? Cool."
"Hmmm....someone new, great,---good job?"
I don't even know. --Thats the truth of it, I just don't even know how to feel anymore. I have this feeling like I want to mix between a laugh and a cry.
I really think that is my way of coping.
Laugh till you cry, cry till you sleep?
But I'm not sleepy. *sigh
People--he found someone new!
I'm not really talking to anyone, just the voices in my head. I think if I tell myself over and over again, it might sink in.
---
you know what hurts the most? let me tell you, (my journal, I can do that)
amoungst my list this is whats hurts:
1. the fact that he said he cared and then in less than 24 hours he was with someone new.
2. the fact that he was able to leave his girlfriend for this new girl, which makes me think I really must have screwed up
3. I hate the fact that I have this complex like I'm not good enough!?!?!?
--Sidebar: do you know what J-low has made me recite as a mantra to get through this? (Again let me tell you-- my journal, my perogitive.)
the mantra is as follows:
"I am a strong, beautiful, and independent woman. Though it may be hard--and it may take all my strength--I will get through this-- and I deserve better."
Yeah, O-kay!
*sigh! I hate this! Seriously, how come your heart can't listen to 1. the boy saying, "Im dating someone new" 2. Your brain saying, you will not die. this is okay?
and 3. everyone that Does know, saying "Let go already" it's driving us nuts!!!
Grrrr...wow, I hate this like 5 people know that My life is upside down over this stupid heart hic-cup, and sadly, this guy is dating someone else!!! I mean c'mon, Why can't I get this!
I guess my other personality's response would be: 1. he's dated someone before, and that never stopped you. 2. the body says, hmmm I vaguely remember that, and Mr. someone was good times, you should defn. not let someone like him go, and the hearts saying hmmm, yes brain you're stupid, I'm breaking so, shut up and let me love him. 3. everyone is really only no one, because they all think i've moved on, to what or whom I don't know because as far as I can tell they all think I'm happy working.
*sigh yeah, okay. trying to calm down.
talked to the "other ex" today, you remember the "real ex" the one whom I was engaged to, did love me, made a big mistake, and as I still recall tried to run me and J-low over, yeah that one. yeah, talked to him today. randomness. Weird talking to him. feel like telling him, yeah so you moved on huh? yeah, me too, and now I'm miserable, so rejoice!
lol. you know me and j-low have talked recently about the reprucussions of my summer, what it would mean, what it would do, if anyone, who really gave a damn might ever find out. we predicted death (again another dream, in which someone is thrown off a roof)--ww3, to where allies and enemies of bloodslaughter would be picked and, a possible burning at the stake or stoning. ---yeah, all pleasant things to be reminded of everytime I feel like "sharing"
---never gonna happen. I should just move away now. change my name, my number, move to Novascotia and forget the life I had. (lol)
wow, i really do love this guy. I really do and it absolutely sucks, I almost cried, but I'm not. Like a moron, I'm rationalizing this in my head about how "I have no right to be upset" and "It's okay" and "one day..." wishful thinking. *ugh! disgusting.
I make myself want to throw up.
This is what Alcibides meant in the symposium about erotic love, this right here!!!!
this disgusting, hold people undeserving onto a pedastal, hold yourself below the earth, and pray that just a glance will be given to you and all will be well.
Errrr.....well , when I'm done being an idiot world, I'll let you know.
Until then I guess the lights still on, the doors still unlocked, and my phone is always on.
Maybe the universe will be nice and give me newness to love? okay--here comes my "grape side" (lol) i don't want anything new, I just want things back to better? *yeah, k, shutting up now.
2:55 PM | Filed Under | 0 Comments
friends don't let you drink (alone)
SEVEN DAYS WITHOUT YOU
-Avion
Sitting here counting the hours
Waiting for the sun to kiss the sea
Paralyzed by the fragrance of the flowers
They remind me of you and me
This one love in a lifetime
Our two hearts of a kind
These three reasons you'll be mine
For there's five or six ways through
Seven days without you
Making plans just to stop the aching
Chasing thoughts from a million miles away
Hypnotized as another dawn is breaking
I rehearse the words I want to say
This one love in a lifetime
Our two hearts of a kind
These three reasons you'll be mine
For when five and six are through
It's seven days without you
And I will find a way until you're home
To let the giant sleep this fire we know is
This one love in a lifetime
Our two hearts of a kind
These three reasons you'll be mine
For there's five or six ways through
Seven days without you
Seven days without you
Seven days without you
Seven days without you
-Avion
Sitting here counting the hours
Waiting for the sun to kiss the sea
Paralyzed by the fragrance of the flowers
They remind me of you and me
This one love in a lifetime
Our two hearts of a kind
These three reasons you'll be mine
For there's five or six ways through
Seven days without you
Making plans just to stop the aching
Chasing thoughts from a million miles away
Hypnotized as another dawn is breaking
I rehearse the words I want to say
This one love in a lifetime
Our two hearts of a kind
These three reasons you'll be mine
For when five and six are through
It's seven days without you
And I will find a way until you're home
To let the giant sleep this fire we know is
This one love in a lifetime
Our two hearts of a kind
These three reasons you'll be mine
For there's five or six ways through
Seven days without you
Seven days without you
Seven days without you
Seven days without you
12:03 AM | Filed Under | 0 Comments
Blog Archive
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2004
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October
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- before i nap
- More tired than buzzed
- IM Summary
- cubicle-ness
- Time waits for no one---yeah....wow.... Marine ...
- quick rebuttle
- seriously, are all men the same?
- "I need a simple---kinda man!!!!"---she screams as...
- Email from a sister
- Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Whoa, Virgo, don'...
- sitting in the car
- TM's from work
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- gotta love kerry
- gotta love kerry
- ahhhh!!!! OMG! SO YES MY MARINE IS IN TOWN! yAY!!!...
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- more later
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- um...okay....
- friends don't let you drink (alone)
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