things will get better....
Artist: Laslo Bane Lyrics
Song: Superman Lyrics
Out the door
Just in time
Head down the 405
Gotta meet the new boss by 8 am
The phone rings in the car
The wife is workin hard
She runnin late tonight again
Well I know what I’ve been told
U gotta work to feed the soul
But I can’t do this all on my own
No I know
I’m no superman
I’m no superman
And you've got your love online
U think you're doin fine
But you’re just plugged into the wall
And that deck of tarot cards
Won’t get u very far
There ain't no hand to break your fall
Well I know what I've been told
U gotta know just when to fold,
But I can’t do this all on my own
No I know
I’m no superman
I’m no superman
You’ve crossed the finish line
Won the race but lost your mind
Was it worth it after all?
I need u here with me
Cause love is all we need,
Just take a hold of the hand that breaks the fall
Well I know what I’ve been told
Gotta break free to break the mold
But I can’t do this all on my own
No I can’t do this all on my own
No I know
That I'm no
Superman
I’m no superman
I’m no superman
(Some day well be together)
I’m no superman
(Some day)
(Someday well be together)
(Someday)
I’m no superman
Quickie
Work: I sold my soul to the devil for 7 dollars an hour, but in the end, can we say, "bank!"
School: Presentation for class sucked!
Lambdaness: Finally! Done, and getting better.
C: Still wants what he can't have
J: Still can't have what he has, poor guy, she's coming back soon!
J-low: Has what she wants, now she just has to believe it
Girls: are insuring I go out tonight.
Interest #2, now dubbed I2, oh yes, she's so Lambda. lol, slowly becoming very much one of my girls---which is SO BADDDD!!!!!
Guys: OMG, they're are so many boyz with baby's mamas and prison records at my new job! um, yeah, so much for finding a man at work. *shrug
Well, i guess this is good, I'll be so busy I can't think right?
Right? Please somebody tell me i'm right?
anyways--song that i just got dl'd. oh yes, we likes. ;-)
Shiver
You build me up
You knock me down
Provoke a smile
And make me frown
You are the queen of runaround
You know it's true
You chew me up
And spit me out
Enjoy the taste
I leave in your mouth
You look at me
I look at you
Neither of us know what to do
There may not
Be another way to your heart
So I guess I'd better find a new way in
I shiver when I hear your name
Think about you but it's not the same
I won't be satisfied 'till I'm under your skin
Immobilized by the thought of you
Paralyzed by the sight of you
Hypnotized by the words you say
Not true but I believe them anyway
So come to bed It's getting late
There's no more time for us to waste
Remember how my body tastes
You feel your heart begin to race
There may not
Be another way to your heart
So I guess I'd better find a new way in
I shiver when I hear your name
Think about you but it's not the same
I won't be satisfied 'till I'm under your skin
Break Down 2004 and the Aftermath
Okay. Last night was slightly ridiculous.
I feel so stupid. I worried all kinds of friends.
It just finally happened. I just finally had an emotional break down.
Skip the “pimps don’t cry” and “I got this” mentality, I’ve been trying to pursue; I just lost it. I can admit that. I cried myself to sleep and yeah….
But as I told C-at 1 am as he said “it’s just your bodies way of relieving
stress”
I just couldn’t stop it.
*Sigh.
I’m kinda glad it happened. Last
nights tears seemed to be the last of me holding on to a lot of things. Procrastination, Hesitation, Worries,
Everything.
C’s thing last night was “He’s not worth this pain”
As I informed C, It wasn’t not
about him. It’s about him and everything else.
He put it really well, “What happened today, that just finally pushed you over???”
Well EVERYTHING! Four months—maybe a lifetime—of everything. And you know I was feeling ---not good—but “in control” when I got home last night. I was really feeling like, “I know what I’m doing is hard, but I’m doing it, and I will do it, and I got this”
And just as I’m ready to put
this “in control attitude” in the journal, the phones going off and theirs
reminders of things that haven’t been done, and I was gone for 2 hours on business
and my email, had 10 new messages directly needing my attention. And THEN—well, that’s just it. It all hit at
once, and it always hits at once and I know this, but last night, I just wanted
to be okay for 5 minutes.
Five minutes of entry time for ME.
Well it didn’t happen, as some
might have read, and there it was My official 2004 Breakdown.
(Please if you all will, have empathy for C at the other end, as I had begun to have those broken gasps of breath because of mindless crying, to where you think you’re going to hyperventilate…..)
Over the phone in broken sobs: I
believe it went something like this.
“It’s not about him. Well some of it is, but it’s more, it’s him+ “business” + School+ I have a presentation tomorrow+ and I don’t have a job+ being broke+ me missing my sister+ these weird unresolved feelings about boys in my life—every boy that ever hurt me, me trying to figure out if I’m worth anything, me wondering if all I deserved was my ex, me questioning if me breaking it off was just stupid, because I at least knew he loved me, --but I know I don’t want that, and I’m just miserable right now, and I want someone to hold me and make things better, but I don’t have a someone, and that makes me feel bad, too---and on top of it all I feel stupid crying on the phone to you, and I must be keeping V awake with all this crying, and C—This is gross but I need to blow my nose” (pause for loud blowing of nose) “And that was just gross, and how can a guy ever be with me, because OMG I’m a mess and I have a headache and….and….I can’t stop C—I want to stop, but I can’t….” (and continual sobbing resumes.)
So, lol, yeah. Breakdown 2004.
As C’s quote goes “It was bound to happen—If you drink to much, you’re bound to throw up.”
And the weird thing is, I don’t feel any better. I don't feel any worse? I don’t feel like I’m in control, I just feel like, “Yeah, that was weird.”
Anyways, So that was yesterday.
I could tell you all that led up to that—the business, me having to go across town at 10 at night to complete paperwork for said sorority business, the loosing my I.D. and debit card, the night before, the random girl throwing up and ruining the night before, my 2 hour business call with girls across the nation, that took all my time from the research I have to do for class and be done with by tonight if I’m going to make interviews tomorrow, and of course my weird random emotional “thing” with mr. someone, who I think might be totally oblivious to the fact that it really isn’t him, and I hope he doesn’t think it was him, and I was trying to let him into my life, I really was—
Okay this is ridiculous too—(this pseudo, lets pretend like he doesn’t read this...— Everyone else, be pepos and mitotes, and listen in, but this is just for him—yes, just for you)
Hey—
I’m sorry about everything, I kinda wanted to say that last night. I was listening to these random break up songs, and realizing, Im not mad at you, as you said “I don’t hate you.” I mean the truth of the matter is, I do love you. Sadly I wish I didn’t because I know that hurts me. I mean as I’ve said before, it’s really hard being in love with the guy you love. And not that this means less or more, but I hate using the word love. It’s not that I don’t love you, but it’s that I care about you, and I guess it’s that transition, of words where the “I like you a lot” is just insufficient. I know you get this, so I’m not going to go on…but…well, if for the past two weeks, hell even month has seemed off, I’m sorry. I know I went static cling, and it really embarrasses the hell out of me now. But what I think I was trying to say up above, and when we talked last, (with a little more clarity) is that things are hard for me too. I really tried to hide that from you, because I didn’t want you to think I had all this “baggage” or whatever. I assumed, you had the “problems” in this relationship, and those were enough. I guess you always knew. Well, anyways—when I was trying to be “static cling” or just get the reassurances from you that you wanted me in your life, just know that, it was because I was trying to let my walls down.---I wanted you to know, it wasn’t you, but as you put it “Life”—I get the “nothing personal”. Only, it is personal because, I want to be able to share the “Ugh!!!! I hate this!!!!” with someone, and more than anyone I’d like to share that with you. ---
This is why I wanted us to be
friends. I share more of “me” with my friends than I do with you, and I wish it
was the other way around.
So, I know this is getting “out there” but hang in for five more seconds, k?
---Again, it wasn’t you. I was happy with what-ever it was that we had. And since I’m laying it out there. (Here I go again). Okay, I get your complications. You have a girlfriend, a house, a life—I see how I don’t quite fit into that. But I guess my confusion was, and always has been, then why me? Why did you call me? Ever make time? And now, why do we pretend like things are different—
Ne-ways, I always assumed as you
said that night, “you’d rather have me in your life, then not at all”---and to
be honest That’s all I wanted to know/ needed to hear. That’s it. The smallest reassurances.
But I know things are different
now. I’ve completely been as real and as open with you as I know how. You have
my heart. You know this now, and really I wanted you just to “know.” I didn’t
expect you to love me back, defend your reasons for not loving me, etc etc…I
just wanted you to know. I wanted to know, you knew. Now you do, now I know.
To me this is as clear as it
gets.
It was never just you—you make
things better, you make me happy, and that’s something I’m really appreciative of.
But as I’ve finally told you, Friday
morning, please don’t use the excuses anymore. I know about “her”, I know about
the “complications at the house”, I know you’re “busy with life”—and I’d rather
just have the honesty. I know you never meant to hide it, but I think we both
never wanted to use each other as friends to actually, say “Yeah, this is my
hectic, upside down, turn around , riding in the fast lane kind of life—do you
want to hear about my day?”
So, with all that---(you never know how much you have to say until it’s all out there I guess)---I know we’ve had are ups and downs. You know my “ish”, I know yours. Lol, and I think if we didn’t care about one another it might be one of those things to where we both could walk away and say “you know this really, isn’t worth it”—but maybe it is. Theres no way to find out unless we try. So, if we could—if you still want, I’ll take you off IM excile??? I hear friends visit bored friends during library hours, and I need a proctor anyways??? I won’t sign a contract, but I’ll do my best---and hopefully, by being real and honest might start giving you my best???? Like you, I don’t want to promise anything. In conclusion,
Hi, I think we’ve met before. I know if you don’t really know me, it looks like I have a crazy life, and I kind of do. I’m in a sorority, which takes up a lot of time! I’m a grad student and study too. I’m trying to get a job right now which is good, cuz I like to shop and spend money like I’ve got it. So it’s a crazy life, but I enjoy almost every moment of it. I’m one of the most loyal and dependable friends you might ever have—you can ask C and J-low. They’re a little off too, but, you kind of have to know them. Anyways, I think I’m kind of fun. I like to drink on occasion, or just stay in and study. I like talking on the phone, but only after nine when I get free minutes. I text message a lot, so if that bugs you, let me know, oh and I love downloading musicso I’m always online. Somehow I really like John Mayer,--I’ve heard you’re slightly obsessed, so I’d love to see what stuff you have that I’m missing. Yeah--- so, I don’t know what I could bring to your world or what you could bring to mine, but….if it could work for you, I know you seem kinda crazy too-- maybe we could hang out sometime? Be friends, see what happens? Anyways, if it could happen, I’d like that.
Stop!
Tonight has been a whirl wind of emotions. I have really been flustered and calmed down by the most random of things. Well not random—it’s my life. From sunrise to Moonset, my job is never done.
Anyways, so I’m driving home tonight, and listening to music, and it seems the universe wanted to throw the crazy “girl in tears” genre at me this evening. Avril Lavigne’s, Happy Ending, Ashley Simpsons’ Tangled, and some others as well, but those were the last two that seemed to come on as I hit my drive home.
So—you would think these songs, would bring out a “I hate boyz” or “that’s SO TRUE” or even a “my lifes so pathetic” response, but surprisingly it didn’t. Surprisingly, I’m in the oddest mood.
I’ve been thinking. My world has been, well if not complicated, emotional.
And while I’m slightly inclined to apologize for my emotions, and feelings, I’m going to stop myself. Not because I’m not sorry that my emotional involvement within situations can’t possibly be construed as complicated, but rather because my emotions are what make me
----urrr---distracted by J-low making the phone go ring ring- grrrr…yes, Grrrrr-----
Where was I? Grrr---have no idea!!!! And now. Now I’m tired, and slightly upset again—and my IM is going off NOW!!!---and this just isn’t going to get written tonight---*sigh
I’m signing off, there’s only one person that I want to talk to right now, and could make things better, and well, that’s just not going to happen. Want it too, but, well, yeah….Going to be signing off. At the moment, a little bitter at the world for not letting me have five minutes of an emotion. Grrr, goodnight universe
PS. The only thing I wanted to say, was, *sigh---I’d rather have someone in my life as a friend, then not have them at all.
And now like a looser, I have two boys IM’ing me, and rather than feel great, I’m turning in the “pimp card”—I’m gonna cry now—held out for I don’t even know how long
And there it is. The tears. I can’t even type…..sorry…
So cold tonight...
The umbrellas big enough for the both of us, but it's always (me) that ends up getting wet. . . .
know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls
Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
[in the background]
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Yeah
[softly]
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Tried so hard to say goodbye
_________
yes, I'm covered in rain
6:23 am---home, safe, in my bed, been to nowhere and back, all was well with exception to the rain.
You serious?
to go along with my status, of "you know you don't suck when..." (People want to talk to you at 2 am)
I now have a new category...
This category I will constitute as--"You know you're cute when..."
now this should be easy "when boys look so hard you actually have time to say "Yes? as he's gawking""
or "when homey in a fly ride is like "Hey?" --thats a geat reassurance
all of which have happened recently, so My confidence is up--
heres the laughter of the day....
you know you're cute when (ready?)
When the Boy at KFC, gives you free chicken????
I mean, WOW. Chicken Boy, Impressive, You've hooked me up with a chicken wrap and a diet pepsi, I know You must be a "balla" now....
LOL, N-E-ways. I thought it was hilarious.
I'm cute enough for free chicken. WOW. My prospects are just lining up. HAHA
Well, it was cute, and to be honest hey 4 bucks is 4 bucks, and it's always nice when boys are like "Nah, you're too cute to be charged"--So, good times. Funny, but good times.
PS. For 3 and 4, I didn't order any "hair infested mash potatoes," nor was my free chicken "bloody."
PPS. Red Rally Tonight. --What is it with this state and the need to burn things??? Anyways, this is a fire I will attend, perhaps alone??? None of my girls are going :-(
Oh. Beleive it or not C booked me for Saturday. --Alcohol.
Tequilla Crawl--oh yes, lets take the mexican girl dowtown for tequilla. LOL--Well, who can blame him.
When You Really Love Someone Lyrics
I'm a woman�
Lord knows it's hard�
I need a real man
to give me what I need�
Sweet attention, love and tenderness�
When it's
real, it's unconditional�
I'm telling ya�
Cause a man just ain't a man if he's
man enough�
�
So love you when you're right�
Love you when you're
wrong�
Love you when you're weak�
Love you when you're strong�
Take you
higher in a world that you're feeling low�
He's giving you his last, as he's
thinking of your first�
Giveing comfort when he's thinking that you're
hurt�
That's what it's like when you really really love someone�
I'm
telling ya, I'm telling ya�
�
Cause you're a real man�
And Lord knows
it's hard�
Sometimes you just need a woman's touch�
Sweet affection, love
and support�
When it's really unconditional�
I'm telling ya, oh�
Cause
a woman ain't a woman if she's woman enough�
�
So love you when you're
right�
Love you when you're wrong�
Love you when you're weak�
Love you
when you're strong�
Take you higher in a world that you're feeling
low�
She's giving you a best, even when you are at your worst�
Giving
comfort when she's thinking that you're hurt�
That's what it's like when you
really really love someone�
I'm telling ya, I'm telling ya�
Ooh, ooh, ooh,
ooh�
�
Sometimes you're gonna argue, sometimes you're gonna
fight�
Sometime it's gonna feel it'll never be right�
But something so
strong if you hold it on�
It don't make sense what to make a good
song�
Cause a man just ain't a man if he's man enough�
�
So love you
when you're right�
Love you when you're wrong�
Love you when you're
weak�
Love you when you're strong�
Take you higher in a world that you're
feeling low�
He's giving you his last, as he's thinking of your
first�
Giving comfort when he's thinking that you're hurt�
That's what
it's like when you really really love someone�
I'm telling ya, I'm telling
ya�
I'm tellying ya that if a woman ain't a woman if she's woman
enough�
�
So love you�
Love you when you're right�
Love you when
you're wrong�
To hold you�
Love you when you're weak�
Love you when
you're strong�
Take you higher and higher�
In a world that you're feeling
low�
She's giving you a best, even when you are at your worst�
Giving
comfort when she's thinking that you're hurt�
That's what it's like when you
really really love someone�
�
I'm telling ya, I'm telling ya�
Mm, mm,
yeah�
Mm, mm, yeah�
Mm, mm, yeah�
Mm, mm, yeah
I am such a Leo!
Leo July 23-Aug. 22
Feelings of jealousy and possessiveness stir up a host of emotional turmoil now, especially if you are trying to control emotions that cannot be controlled. Be very wary of engaging in a power struggle, either with someone in your immediate environment or with some aspect of your own inner nature. Try to talk about it with a friend or write about it in your journal. But move the energy slowly. There's a lot that needs to come out and it could take some time.
Um...yeah...*sad laugh.
Okay so I miss something and someone that I don't even know I ever had. And blah! My "inner nature" IS in a conflict. One part says move on, while the other is like hold on? Lol--then theres the tummy, saying, hmmm pizza. LOL. Try to make light of a heavy situation, I guess. LOl, funniest thing is, I know you think I'm nuts!!!! HAHA, so do I.
Do people want the truth? Truth, all out in the open? LOL--me too, but not gonna happen. Closest thing to truth I got right now is that people don't approve of my "un-lady like behavior" ; shaaaaaa.....what-ever. So I've decided to keep everything between, me, and my journal. Mitotas never read this anyways. Oh, well.
I sometimes feel like I'm waiting on a call that will never come, you know? I s'pose it's the call I want to come....
And I don't where you went when you left me but
It says here in the water, you must be gone by now
I can tell somehow
One hand on the trigger of the telephone
Wonderin when the call comes, when you say it's all right
You got your heart right
I do now. Its all so clear it sucks and it hurts.
The ex has moved on, and I'm so cool with it. C's in love again, and I couldn't be happier. Playa Playa lies when he says he's faithful, but the lord knows he's loyal, to his one and only prada girl, and she's the bomb for keeping him around. J-low's got her man, and I think her man has her more than he'll ever know. J's doing the long distance thing with his Arizona girl, and pledging will help him get through the distance--(hang in there kidd, be seeing you in some red soon).
Me, I wish like hell,i could tell my heart to shut up.
On the upside: hence why I'm writing (yet again!!!): INTERNET is now back on my computer!!!! YAY!!!!
But people that luv you call, as my phone goes...ring ring...
C's quote of the day:
"A warm body laying next you is over-rated"
---Says the man who can't sleep with anyone in his bed!!! Weird!
Ahhh!!!!
Um ditching class and both hate it and love it. Wasn't feeling to great (migraine just barely avoided) and crashed. Funny thing about this, is I fell asleep with J-low here at my place. Well, interesting, not that big a deal, EXCEPT, 1. She thought she was locked in, and feeling so bad for me, just let me sleept. 2. Rather than wake me to let her out, she wakes me up with the comment: "Um...Girl....Mr. Foodstuff is on his way...can you tell me where your keys are? and um....he'll be here soon, you might want to get dressed"
Now--I felt bad this morning. So--I knew I wanted to be confortable. Rather than throw on sweats like a normal girl. I grab last nights p.j's. Yeah--that consisted of black victoria secret silkness--J-lows a big girl, I figured, no worries. But yeah, to know a six foot something, I've never had in my house, let alone a guy seeing my sister!!! Yeah, not something I wanted viewed.
Well she's a dork, but now I'm up. With the cute white sweats I Should have put on originally, and I'm waiting for them to stop "talking." I need a life.
On a job note: Interview this morning was a waste of time. Trainings to be had next week. We all are still praying for my CEP job, Right???? YES WE ARE!!!!
On a personal note: I feel like a looser. I go through these stages of whining: "He doesn't even know how much I do....How much I could...Do you think he ever...? I bet hes never cried..."
then---Well then I get hungry...and rather than being all stupid and call, text, im, or do anything I've begun to constitute as my "bothering" --I reflect on Some Pooh Taoism: Just be....that, and he said don't worry...so i tell my head, don't worry. I tell my stomach to hold on, and I tell J-low, yeah--well i still tell her and everyone else nothing.
it'll happen..I'll be good for someone...I'm just waiting my turn
Someone reminds me of Pooh
Eeyore, the old grey Donkey, stood by the side of the stream, and looked at himself in the water. "Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic." He turned and walked slowly down the stream for twenty yards, splashed across it, and walked slowly back on the other side. Then he looked at himself in the water again.
"As I thought," he said. "No better from this side. But nobody minds. Nobody cares. Pathetic, that's what it is."
_________
"Good morning, Eeyore," said Pooh.
"Good morning, Pooh Bear," said Eeyore gloomily, "if it is a good morning," he said. "Which I doubt," said he.
"Why, what's the matter?"
"Nothing, Pooh Bear, nothing. We can't all, and some of us don't. That's all there is to it."
__________
"Have you all got something?" asked Christopher Robin with his mouth full.
"All except me," said Eeyore. "As usual." He looked round at them in his melancholy way. "I suppose none of you are sitting on a thistle by any chance?"
"I believe I am," said Pooh. "Ow!" He got up, and looked behind him. "Yes, I was. I thought so."
"Thank you, Pooh. If you've quite finished with it." He moved across to Pooh's place, and began to eat.
"It doesn't do them any Good, you know, sitting on them. Remember that another time, all of you. A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference."
______________
"When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, "what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
"What's for breakfast? said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said Piglet.
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.
____________
_______
To know the Way,
We go the Way;
We do the Way
The way we do
The things we do.
It's all there in front of you,
But if you try too hard to see it,
You'll only become Confused.
I am me,
And you are you,
As you can see;
But when you do,
Thethings you can do,
You will find the Way,
And the Way will follow you.
We both know that the worst part about it
Told my girl some advice today:
"Stop playing the re-assurance games; it's only you that ends up crying."
Social Restriction never was this fun...
Good Morning! It's 3:45pm, but since I have just showered, I feel like it's morning.
Recent events are so mind boggling! WELL where to begin???
Let's start with the gripes and then we'll move to the good times?
Gripes: Trust No-ONE! A sad but very true fact. I'm so done. So very very done. People you think you can trust, you can't; regardless of the bonds or years you think you share. So whatever. I've been without friends before. I still have my boy J, Four is being really good to me (despite my not deserving it), and despite C's nature, I know at least I can depend on him to keep his mouth shut. Well, regardless--I guess if I thought I was being shady before, lifes about to take a crazy little turn.
But before we go there: I must say I was getting far too confortable, living on other peoples schedules, but I gotta admit that going to work for me right now.
Eg: J-low dictates my on campus time, as I really will let myself wrap up in Lambdaness and computer email returning.
Eg: My sisters (outside of J-low) hold my soical life down. They do that "Sister thang" with me on the weekends. It's now to the point where I forgot what being single and "out with the girls" could really be like. Learning each weekend is a nice temporary distraction from life.
Eg. LOL, every boy in my life dictates their flow within my life. Including Playa playa and C. --Food, or the promise of other girls usually does it though, lol?
Well, I'm cool with this and "whatevering" life right now, and it seems to be rewarding me.
If I ignore friends hurting me, other friends are ready to pick me up, and without missing a beat, I'm out their enjoying life in ways aforementioned friends wouldn't have let me enjoy.
Actually, other random "closed door, open window" experiance: every once in a while I'm reminded, I'm single. Shall we go there now? Well, real quick--
Last night was so random! Met an old friend. He was my first experiance of "fraternity row." Yeah--and like most fraternity men, lol--he had no interest in me, but in my best friend at the time. Yeah well, what can you do?
LOL--I guess, you wait three years and say yes when he ask you to dance.Then you exchange numbers, and ask him out to the club later. When he shows up (to your surprise), you dance some more. You reassure him the "big black guy" that was dancing with you earlier is not going to "kick his ass." (LOL) Then (I don't think you should do this-but) desert him at the club, with the quickest goodbye, because your girls are running through the rain without you. Then once done running, you explain to your girls Nothing. Absolutlely nothing. Why? because, we have learned: Trust no one.
But if this is the route you pursue, this kinda night creates the perfect night. Perfect because, things that are real can now be left alone, and what is perceived can now be wondered about by mitotas and their wild imaginations.
Hmmm. Maybe I'm learning???
Now, before ya'll jump: Perceptions: we've learned this mirror game right? I guess the only one who will know "whats really going on" (as Playa playa put's it)--are the people not worried about appearances.
Trust. Pretty sacred thing I've learned about in the past few days. Some people still have it, others, have lost mine. When you have trust, you can believe "it'll happen" and smile knowing it will--when you don't, well, you can't really beleive anything, can you? But still, you smile, and don't interfere with what perceptions have the power to do.
Life gets easier by the day.
is it the buzz??? nope!
LOL--Omg, it's been one of those nights! Despite many beverages, I somehow can hold my tounge, and my drinks. Fun, fun, fun. :)
Tommorow is sisterness sometime later, and salsa-ness later than that. We shall see who can shake their thang at the Noche de Baile!!!! Good times.
Well!!!! C as predicted has hit his 3 week mark, and has officially lost his bet with me! (Just FYI --there was no "bet" per se, just my prediction, and me being right) HAHA! I win, I'm so good I even predicted the House. They'll date three weeks? maybe 5 tops, then, like always, it's friday night blockbusters with Ben, Jerry, and of course his bestfriend who will always tell him how stupid the blonde was, and that's why he needs to pick brunettes.
I swear sometimes, C is the 5th to my Sex in the City Crew???
N-E-ways. also as predicted, someone tells me no worries, and there it is-- I go to bed with a smile.
Did we ever think life could be this simple?
Night world, resting, relaxing,conforted and happy. Besitos y Abrazos
bears and bandaids
So 1:36am, just spent 3 hours with the C-man, and like loosers all we can do is talk about is the opposite sex. me and my shopping for someone else, and him, he has his girls, or rather the girls he wishes he had.
C is so good. It really sucks because a lot of people, including my ex have thought he talks about people, but honestly he doesn't. I've never heard him say a bad thing about anyone. and when we talk about his ex, I'm just dying for one of these days just to be like, "C--c'mon, she's a bitch. you know you want to call her that"
anyways, called C a bandaid tonight. He has the power of temporarily making the pain go away.
you know I know whatever it is I'm making pretend I have with someone is going to end. I'm just waiting for the little note, "You've been written off"
waiting but dreading it. I confide in C. I tell him I feel like I'll never be good enough.
and i know I don't have to be.
you know it's just everyone wants to be loved by someone.
lol--that statement is probably more true than I care to beleive, but really...
_____
you know, I went to Victoria Secret today. And sadly I shopped for him. Don't know why I thought someone would care. but I did it anyways. kinda like the thank you cards I send, but wonder if they're read?
Well, it's cute. it's blue. very sexy. and when i got home all I could think of, is I wonder if someone will ever see this?
Even if he does, even if I keep having what I say I love and want, I wonder how long it's going to take for him to get bored?
I mean, he doesn't seem to have any interest in me. I think I'm an intersting person. I've told him a thousand times, all I want is to talk...but then theres life.
Life happens between when we see one another, and he's made it clear, he has no time in his life for me.
The sad thing is, on days like Monday I catch myself wondering if he has time for her....then on days like today, I go to Victoria Secret, and fully aware I had monday just passed I'm thinking of seeing him hopefully on Friday or Saturday.
So Mondays roll out of my head...song comes on the radio sums it up
You don't know how you met me
You don't know why
You can't turn around and say goodbye
All you know is when I'm with you
I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea
I'm singin'
Follow me everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you
Want to leave I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me
I'm not worried 'bout the ring you wear
Cuz as long as no one knows than nobody can care
You're feelin' guilty and I'm well aware
But you don't look ashamed and baby I'm not scared
I'm singin'
Follow me everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you
Want to leave I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me
Won't give you money
I can't give you the sky
You're better off if you don't ask why
I'm not the reason that you go astray and
We'll be all right if you don't ask me to stay
Follow me everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you
Want to leave I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me
You don't know how you met me
You don't know why
You can't turn around and say goodbye
All you know is when I'm with you
I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea
I'm singin'
Follow me everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you
Want to leave I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me
Think of this as a rejected Hallmark Card....a Just Because that only cost .44 cents
So...no real reason to write, just thought I would. Theres no meaning to this one, no hidden message, so don't bother looking for one.
Here are a few JM quotes to start the day.
JM on Trust:
"Every guy wants a girl and a relationship with f***in' real trust. So much trust that I could call her up and be like, 'there was some hot ass in the audience today' and she'll be like 'oh yeah?' and I'll be like 'oooooh yes'. Every guy wants a girl that can appriciate hot ass." Right before singing "Love Song For No One"
JM on Being a Pimp:
"I have learned that I am a pimp. Now you may be thinking two things.... 1. Where are you going with this John? and 2. John, are you tired of being alone.......DAMN STRAIGHT!" --A live intro to Love Song
So here it is (if you're unfamiliar). Again, not even in the mood to listen to this or any JM right now, but I do appreciate his quotes somedays. Figured I'd share what song he was talking about.
Love song for no one (live intro)
This song's about... talkin to the person you haven't even met yet.
Maybe they're rollin' around in the hay with someone else,
but they're not as good as you'll be... you just have to wait your turn.
She's out there, he's out there,
they're just learning what to contrast you against.
Stay at home alone on a Friday
Flat on my floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes have faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Get here..
Searching all my days just to find you
Not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Till then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Just staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
Oh no away
yadadadada
dadadada
dadada..
I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me
Ohh I know you'll be so good for me
For me
__________
Yeah, I'll be writing more later. My mind has gone back to keeping me awake with a thousand and one thoughts. I know I have words to put out there, but I'm trying to let the day just roll in. Let everything slide.
_______
J-low every so often reads an entry per my request, and did so yesterday with the following response: "I worry about you."
"Why?" I ask, with a smile as I lay on my bed.
" Because," (*she sighs) "I worry you're writing what you want to feel, what you want him to think you feel, but" (she pauses) "you're bullshitting if you're trying to tell me he doesn't mean more." (pause) "He's bullshitting if he doesn't think he feels more. You know he cares about you" (small pause, with a slight gag reflex) "Why am I defending him?"
"because you love me"
____
IM Conversation with C:
"C!!!!!! I need to forget about boys!"
"yes you do"
"I think I'm going to become gay"
"No---I'll screw you before that happens"
"Knowing my luck, Karma will screw me over, and all I'll get is ugly fat chicks"
"LOL--Why, did I just offer that?"
"Because you love me enough to screw me straight--Thats a real friend"
_____
LEO:
Finally ready to give up on love? Not so fast, quick draw. That outlaw's still roaming and ready to meet your needs in ways you never quite expected. Make someone feel good and you'll be amply rewarded.
When you know you don't suck...
You ever wake up, and think to yourself "am I’m forgetting something really important?"
Me-I forgot to sleep.
Something many people have told me that amazes me, is "Turn your phone off.’
It’s not so hard. One button. Makes the whole world (my ears connected to) go bye-bye. It must be harder than that; because last night I received a 2 a.m. call.
"I haven’t talked to you all day" goes the voice at the other end.
" What time is it???"
"2am, what are you doing? Am I waking you?"
I am the person that "sucks the least I guess" –LOL. Why do people call me? Because like I’ve always said, "My phones always on." And it is.
I suppose I should feel good that people want to call me at 2am. Well, as much as I believe I am good company at 2am, I was exhausted. Physically, emotionally, mentally--spent.
I seem to get into grooves where nothing really matters except the task at hand.
The drama, the boys, the girls---it all fades away, because "I’m busy, right now"
But these grooves are exhausting, and when it’s over: thank you little world of mine, for putting up with me or my absence, but good night.
But it’s a new day, and I’ve got nothing better to do than think.
Now, let me preface this verbal (written) hemorage of emotions out with the following disclaimer: Really, I’m okay. Read this knowing, it’s just a perspective, as always, and already it’s been altered, and I am comfortable.
I guess I’m just putting this out here because I received an 8am Text.
Now lets talk about this. 8am text message. I think J has ESP, maybe ESPN, which is even cooler.
8 am. I receive the text "Are you Crying??????-----Theres no Crying in Baseball!!!"
--League of their Own (in case anyone missed that).
Funny thing is I haven’t added any entries to let homeboy know how I am or how people are probably thinking I should be feeling. Actually last entry, prior to this one was fairly up beat right? Well, maybe J and girls know me better than that, or better than myself.
So, I stared at the Text, smiled, and was like, "No, no tears yet."
In holding true to my mantra of "Pimps don’t cry" –despite recent circumstances, I haven’t let myself cry.
This it appears-- isn’t fooling anyone. Except maybe everyone that doesn’t know me. Funny thing appearances. I found out just how susceptible even I am to them two nights ago.
Two nights ago:
Two nights ago, my Ladies truly had "my back" emotionally, as I smiled but the tears glossed my eyes.
The reassurances: J-low put it quite nicely, "It doesn’t matter if you hold it in, you’re dying inside, and its okay. Just don’t cry till you get home. Don’t let them know they got the best of you"
Four hugged me goodbye, "You call me—no really, call me"
C, though trashed and off to drink more, stopped to hug me with the most real comment of the night, "What did you expect?"
And there it was, right there, the comment that kept all the tears back.
Nothing, I never expected anything.
But I guess when you don’t prepare yourself, as much as you coin it "non-expectations" –"appearances" can get you in the worst way when you care,
I guess I’m thinking, no amount of self-confidence makes you feel okay, when in public you’re invisible. Worse yet, being visible, appearing to have yourself in check, and your "friends" being so out of the loop, that in innocent questions manage to bring all your feelings of inadequacy right into the light.
Let me spell it out (and just slightly put it out there).
She got flowers. I got back the necklace I had left on his nightstand.
She went through the front door---lol, I don’t mind the side door (without heals, so no one is woken up).
She’s seen in daytime/ public---lol, probably against what his preferences, I get the night time, or a 3am daytime, that is kept private.
Now here’s the thing: I’ve noticed it only really does hurt when you keep score.
Mind you I was having a ruff night. Side comments were made by men I used to consider true friends, but I’m learning, sometimes, its better just to walk away. Add this hurt to a first ladies innocent questioning, and I think it was enough to tip the scale.
I guess when no one knows what, or who, you care about, it’s hard to let them live in your world of "I’m happy with this."
LOL, I don’t need flowers,--they somehow get eaten by drunken boys.
(Well-that makes flowers worth it.)
A door is a door. All I appreciate is that I’m let in through it. Three in the morning isn’t that bad, and what ever it is that I can’t let go, would never be anything anyone else would get, so why worry about that approval.
So yeah. Nevertheless, I got stunned a bit. I think I got thrown off a little, because I really don’t keep score. LOL, I keep her so far from my mind, I get amazed when I realize, "Oh yeah-- her."
I’m actually laughing right now.
I’m actually amazed at how perceptions are just a window into someone’s reality.
More fantastic, it seems is how I know I can laugh, when everyone is really just expecting me to break down. The thing is, I don’t know how he does it, but he makes me happy.
If I give someone a little piece of that, then, well it kinda outweighs the perceptions, huh?
Lol—shall we tie this full circle?
Someone’s phone was beeping in the background one night, (nine to ten, I’m thinking, it’s her).
Someone told me "Don’t worry about it."
Not only did I believe him (that I didn’t have anything to worry about); but I haven’t worried since.
So moral of the story?: If you’re really liked, people call you. Turn your phone off when you don’t want to be disturbed.
Update?
As always-- lets go from what is immediate, to what has passed...(So, in the reverse)
5 hours have just passed of doing absolutely NOTHING. I should have slept, I should have studied, I should have freaking mastered a second language or something. But I was really appreciating the value of nothing-ness with C, as he has forgiven me, with the "universally known gift of coolness" --um, Mom's cooking.
I love it when she sends me food. And I'm like, Ha Ha, You can't be mad at me, you're mom loves me! HA!
Well, now that nothingness has ended and I'm looking at my little "to do" list 'o' stuff. I'm really wishing for more distraction.
So 2 hours prior to C arrival, is the 14-yr old goddess, who shall here-in-after be renamed Her Royal Cuteness, as she is Homecoming Princess (that and she truly is trying to self acclaim an atheistic viewpoint right now, which I'm going to respect). Her Royal Cuteness, had some Royal "ish" and I truly apprecciated being the big sister on that level.
20 minutes prior, Ring Goes the phone. I'm happy it's the Interest or as four says the new inductee to the "You and J-low club." Inductee is invited to tommorows festivities, and small talk is made about the loss of a phone and her unavailability to all the coolness had this weekend. Love her, ready to sleep.
1 hour prior. Just when I'm starting to sleep again, the housemate has furniture to move, and, yes despite the obvious fact that I am sleeping does not deter her from asking me to get up and move a couch to her storage unit. Sure, what are Sisters for???? grrrr, Sunglasses are so nice.
45 minutes prior, Changed out of last nights clothes, to lay on cool sheets, head is sinking into pillow . Ring goes the phone. The ever bad-ass boys in blue pull through with invites to my ladies to show up manana for 9pm introsand sing-alongs. I hit the L-network, and call J-low to explain I won't have time to change from hip-hop class to the cute social-ness, but will attend nonetheless.
7:30 alarm goes off, and I'm really enjoying and wanting where I am to last just five minutes longer, to the point of hitting snooze.
5:30 Sleep is good, I guess.
3:30 Sleep is over-rated.
3:15 Four dedicates the Wonderous "Booty Mix" to me: constiting of "Don't wanna be a Playa No Mo'" and "Super Duper Fly"
2am- Village Inn. Food and Good Company that quickly turns into a slip of the tounge, and a 20 minute "conversation" that begun with a "I'm really pissed off at you."
1am: Despite the scandalous scene developing, the crew I'm with this evening is looking for something more, and so am I. Quick trip downtown leads us to Distillary, where neither friend I was accompanied had been, and yay, good times to be had till we are kicked out early at 1:45
11-1: APhiA party at a local bar, All proceeds went to Charity, and a good thing to because i somehow ended up offering to cover 3. LOL. Fronting Money like I had it. Watch the Lobos beat Texas Tech, and I buy a round.
Saturday night 11pm, Four has done my make up and more to a credit to her then my own conceit, let alone, um "cuteness", I'm looking like the night might not hold enough for me. C this is definately a 8.25.
So, I was designated. not quite sober, but clearly I have a descent recollection....
Aw...yes...good times. Its 6pm on Sunday now. I've given up on sleeping but sometimes its mind over body and body over mind.
Thinking, yup, it ain't my birthday. But this weekend has made up for me missing mine.
For those who are celebrating this time around: 
Virgo Daily Extended Forecast for September 12, 2004 Provided by Astrology.com
You are riding a roller coaster through different time zones, realities and exotic settings. Nothing seems very constant, but don't worry -- this will not last for long. With all the chaos that is swirling around you, you are still smiling and exerting a comforting force on the rest of the world -- heck, you're even enjoying this ride.
HAHA. Glad to hear it for the Virgos. Hope you all did/ do/ and continue to ride life to it's fullest. Those of us tagging along enjoy the dizziness.
Just don't call at 3am, right?
LOL. I have done it again.
Last night I completely let myself go with the girls. Thanks to "more sober" girls then myself, I was well taken care of.
Went to the State Fair, where a country western diva made me bored to tears, but worse yet, made me remeber a song I haven't heard in years..."Complicated"--
Now that was so not the song I wanted or needed to hear. I'm like What-Ever!
Actually no--I looked at my girls and we all did one of those...
"What Guy does that remind you of?"--3 figured out mine, which is surprising because that was three years ago, and I've known her less than one. Guess it shows she's a good sister that listens, let alone remembers.
So, once completely depressed by the third country song, half of us decided to split from the concert and roam the fair grounds. With the buzz from previously consumed "grape juice" and "pinnaple juice" fading, it was even more amusing running into girls who's buzz had just begun or girls who were far past.
The night consisted of great little fair games, vendor shopping (you know us sorrors and shopping), and a few sporadic TM's to the men in my life that I love.
Here's a short JM quote: (Talking about looking through your phone book on your cell) "They suck, they're sleeping, they're sleeping, nah, nope, they suck... then you pick the one that sucks the least and call them. They'll do for now."
C's birthday ended with movies, and not the kindest words to me, but well, it's his birthday, so I tried not to be bitter.
Playa Playa was dying to see the enterauge of female presence I was accompanied by and sent a very tempting offer of stopping by and meeting the men of KE. --Yeah, not so much, seemed to be the general "Girls night only" sentiment.
J-low has caught or is catching her boys sickness and for the first time in a long time I had a J-low free night.
Party plans for tonight already seem to be brewing, and I'm thinking to myself: Am I getting to old for this?
Well, highlight of the evening did consist of a very tall good looking guy approaching me, (this is amazing; as in NM they are rare)--but, well what can I say, beleive it or not I'm shy when sober, and my mind and heart have both decided, whatever it is that I'm in is enough to keep me happy.
Quotable words from a Four year old:
"Hey mom, can we listen to Cronic don't leave seeds?"
Convo with the house mate, after being ordered to chug the remainder of "grape juice" I was handed:
"If I get sick tommorow, it's your fault"
"Good, aren't I a great housemate!?"
Discussion between myself, the girls, and Playa Play on the phone:
"Who's single?" "What defines single?"
Discussion between girls on the topic of older men:
"Who hasn't dated an older man in this room?"
(no hands raise)
"Who's dated a guy at least seven years older?"
(all hands raise)
"15 and 23"
"15 and 24"
"15 and 25"
The girl who prompted this question says, "Wow, this whole summer I felt abnormal. I felt like such a slut."
Four conforts her "No. See now you know: we're all sluts. Doesn't that make you feel better?"
---
P.S. I'm sorry if I'm a lot to handle. I never try to make trouble. Sometimes, I might do it unwillingly, but more than likely it's unknowingly. I'm just trying to have fun. So, speaking of trouble, the next time you feel it's all too much, you can remeber: "The trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more." Author: Erica Jong
P.P.S. Back to the Awful country song...Someone told me something this June, that's stuck: Life is only as complicated as you make it.
Well, I have my own place. I have my own life. I like you in my life. lol, however that is, it seems.
Guess he was right. Not that complicated...
And if it ever gets bad
I mean really bad
I'll move to Nova Scotia
Forget the life I had
I'll be up at 9 each morning
Down by the shore
Collecting things that fell off boats in storms
Well ok so I might never
But it's nice to know the option's there
This will all make perfect sense someday
I'll be A-Okay
This will all make perfect sense somday
There's got to be a reason for the rain
a reason for the rain (x3)
And it doesn't help
That i keep biting my lip in the same place
um...did i say that?
Leo July 23-Aug. 22 As the Moon returns to your sign for a couple of days, it is time for you to lay your hand face up on the table. ____________
Much like this entry, ans my housemates computer, I am finding out that I am constantly having to restart my life.
Sadly there is a great lesson in this…Everytime I use someone elses computer (aka, depend on someone else for my needs), I find myself more frustrated and with less accomplished, then what I had started off with had I just used my own computer (judgement, etc) to begin with.
This is why Ladies should never take shortcuts, right?
Here is what I was thinking, (before Housemates computer froze)--Let's see how much I can remember...
Greetings to my little universe, as the dream filled sleep has suddenly ceased and I have returned to dreamless slumbers.
Since that was boring, I added the remembrance of a dream I had nights ago.
Here, I decided to insert a much needed "excuse" for my ramblings.
Recently I have learned many people are concerned with my entries so as a disclaimer, please read the following:
The entries in this journal do not reflect the attitudes or opinions of any other person or entity other than the individuals posting to it. While all journal entries, stories, bad jokes, etc. are based on the life experiences of its author, they are intended for the sole use of venting and figuring out the eccentric life of it’s owner.
All charectors and semblances within my life, are based on real life people, and for protection from stalkers, judgemental people, and plain out jerks, most names have been altered or abreiviated.
If you know the people portrayed in this journal, good job for being so close to me; I obviously talk to you. For some reason some people portrayed in this journal don’t "appreciate" my including them, so leave them alone. Again if you know me, this one shouldn’t be a hard to figure out.
Again, all stalkers, get lost. This journal is for mature audiences only. If you can’t take a joke, don’t read it.
If you find yourself reflected in this journal, in a poor light in this journal, you have a multitude of options,
1. Change your behavior.
(I myself am a scandal-ass, bitch, angel, comedian, etc—and refer to myself as such. I wear these titles proudly when I’ve earned them and have no problem being regarded as such, when my behaviour has warranted my label.)
Therefore, don’t give me a reason to portray you as a jerk, and you won’t be. Ultimately, I am a very happy person, and I never ever willingly try to portray people in a bad light.
2. Call me on it.
Tell me you don’t want something in here, and I’ll do my best. Again, this journal is for venting purposes. I’m not trying to start rumors. What I am trying to do is: unburden my little head of grey fluff from the facts that complicate my life.
3. Don’t read it.
(Many thanks to the people that do read this. You are the most open minded people I know. I consider all of ya’lls advice, side bars, and quotes when I write and I find you a joy to my little universe. You are appreciated.)
Comments are always welcome. Including but not limited to: Calling me out, telling me how stupid I am, 3 a.m. morning ramblings, drunken tangents, mathematical tangents, and of course promiscuous pick up line. (Okay that last one I’m still waiting for. No really, I’m waiting! Lol.)
Finally, to all readers: This journal is a few entries of one huge story line. I never knew when it began and don’t know when it will end. I'm just trying to have fun on the ride.
There are many sides to all these ramblings. Be a mature human being and don’t take my writings as an absolute truth. If you are, or have been, check your self into the nearest clinic for the insane, because--you too--have far too much time on your hands.
My writings, again, are my Perceptions. They change from day to day. Like every decent person, each day I try to grow and understand a little bit more of my world. This blog is just my own little sounding board, to hear myself think.
Don’t base opinions or make value judgments on the people you see reflected in these letters. Especially not based on my little "Blah—I can’t stand X" statements! They are real people with real feelings and if you have any spine or even want to be considered my friend, grow up and make judgments for yourself on these people.
That last one is me on a personal tirade against people who talk about people without knowing them. Something, I have experienced recently, which is not appreciated.
So, I think that was it….more to come as I see needed.
With that being said, I was going to relay my little dream without trying to cross the lines of "Between you and me" that we all seem to draw around us. It’s funny how all the lines we draw seem to catch up our true selves like spider webs???
This dream was the last dream I had, two nights ago (?). The night after I had my "It’s so scary I appear that jealous and emotional" dream.
Dream: Small preface. Dreams are only the deep recesses of my subconscious. I take no responsibility for my 'wak' mind.
Dream in a nutshell: Me and the someone I’m involved with, get caught being involved...
(Now , my sleepy head was not in the gutter-so get yours out)
In the dream --much like what I would imagine my real life response to be-- I panic.
(Remember I am the girl whose main goal in life right now it to avoid drama! Being caught in this "involved" drama should be a nightmare—but heres the turn, ready? Set… turn…)
Now, this is where I should wake up crying right? No left.
In my dream, the man I’m with, rather than panic, goes, confronts the situation head on, and explains to the guy who had seen us together what our relationship consist of.
(Now this is a conversation I wish my subconscious would have ease-dropped in on. To this day I have no idea what I’m doing. So---)
Mr. Someone becomes like Mr. Cool, Calm and Collected, and comesback to the room where (in the dream, mind you) I’m looking through a book, panicking. He comes back, tells me something utterly romantic, (which he knows he has the ability to un-willingly do.)
He says something so cute, I’m keeping it all to myself. 1. Because it’s corny and 2. Because like a birthday wish, you hope if you close your eyes and keep it to yourself it will come true. Lol.
The dream ends with this line "Everything’s going to be okay."
Now, stupid maybe. But to a girl whose mantra has become "Row away from the rocks"—Waking up from this—one of your biggest fears, being "not that big a deal"—is like waking up in euphoria.
So that was the dream.
Now, there was more in the journal entry. Oh, jess—
(btw, if you don’t know this: "jess" is a pronounciation of the word "yes".
In spanish, the "Y" is usually turned into a "j" and vice-a-versa; just little cultural education…)
~~~~
Job interview today. 4 pm. Light a candle, say a prayer, burn some sage, boil an egg, do whatever you think needs to be done so I get this job. This one is it. The job I want. The job --at this point-- I so desperately need.
What this job means.Being the A.D.D. nutcase I am, I have decided I need more stimulation in my life. (Yeah, laugh it off—if you’re as perverse as I am. At 8 am I woke up with my mind in the gutter, too. )
Meaning, with a job distracting my little grey head of fluff, I’ll be too busy to think about boys. Boys—I’m sorry. I’ve caught myself saying that, and I think it’s really rude. Hopefully I’ll curb it. Besides not boys—Boy. One. We’ve gone over this. One boy, not boy! man! Hee hee, well yeah... (I just had an innapropriate 2am thought)—NE-ways!!!!
NO MORE THOUGHTS or OVER ANALYSIS or CRAZY WAK DREAMS about this Guy!
*Sigh. Don’t get me wrong. As per previous entries, this guy is awesome, and as much as I’d love to be completely consumed with him, I’ve been having some thoughts on this subject.
1. He has a girlfriend. As much as I think I try to hide it from myself, and as much as the label might not be there, "she’s It, I’m not."
I have to come to grips with that. Now, lets say the "girlfriend" is non-existent. A cover, a friend. Someone’s someone to talk to. Whatever. Let's scratch that entirely. Because ultimately...I do hear my 16’s voice yelling—"Have some respect for yourself!"—and I’m ignoring it!
Ultimately, I still don’t care. I should, but I don’t, and here's why:
(ASIDE FROM TAKING WHAT I CAN....)
2. I’m really busy. If I’m not, I should be. What I have right now, (screw all the little jiminy crickets in my head) I like and enjoy. I really enjoy. It's, --He is what I have time in my life for. What we have might be the only thing I have time in my life for. (Meaning, that good "girlfriend" role, is kind of time consuming, and I don’t know if I could do it---)
****All right—side bar with myself. –Grr. I could do it. I’d like to do it. I do want a "relationship." But not a complicated one! Just a "hey lets go to the movies," "lets do dinner"—lol, anything in addition to the five second distraction before or after I’m in his bed, would be nice--Sadly though, it’s not going to happen... So, I rationalize to myself to feel in control. Good job? Not really.
Hence the new coined phrase: Pimps don’t cry.
If I thought this was in check, my subconscious, has and will probably remind me (until it really ends) that I don’t.
"Don’t believe me when I say, I have this down" –JM
I think I’m scared to admit I mean nothing to someone, because I want to mean something.
"Everyone wants a sidecar."-JM
This is one of those moments to where I’ve realized I’ve just poured out a whole lot, without ever meaning to.
"That would be too easy—I have no secrets"
DAMN JM get out of my head too! You’d think I was as obsessed with him as a glitter bunny.
*sigh? What’s left to be said? Lol, what hasn’t been said?
HAHA, music’s playing at the laundry mat: "Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone."
The ex used to like that song. I wonder if he’s playing it now? Now that’s sad—I’m more concerned that I’ve become too "complicated" for my easy going relationship with Someone and that this same Someone is going to recognize this, and leave me wondering "what happened?" --than I am about the random girl the ex was taking on last nights bus. Thats the way I want it though. Trust me.
I so should have gotten on that bus. But... you know...I had a good time. On my own. You know that’s pretty cool. Which makes me think. It’s not that complicated. Keep doing what you’re doing, and with time…lol, this will all make perfect sense.
Lol. Bye, bye for now my universe. Good luck to me, in interviews.
So final closing convo with C as we sit at a red light:
"You need to get a job"
I respond ---"you need to get laid."
"So do you—(long pause) -unless there’s something you haven’t told me"
Response: "C—the lights green, who plays this song?"
"Fall Out Boy—I want to see them in concert."
"Cool, we should go--- (pause) what were we talking about?"
"I forgot…but you know what?"
"What?"
"Between you and me?"
"Always"
wakness this evening
So tonight didn't quite turn out as planned but good times nonetheless. My gente is M.I.A. on the Buddy List and my guess is that theyre all watching a little wooden man burn.
Handled some biz with the ex. He's chosing to accept my new life as my own, respecting my descisions as far as our individual lives intersecting, and has clarified animosity aimed in my direction lately, has not been triggered by him.
By-the-by, he's moving on? maybe? chick-e-dee convo for five seconds, before I politely (well dirrectly) said "I dont care----No, really, Stop. I Don't Care."
As there are two minutes left to the rest of this day, I'll just throw some odd moments out there:
Famous Quotes of the Day:
At Community Service, packing clear celophane bags with 4oz of White Sugar, I comment: "At least this is a window into my cocaine dealing fantasy"
Pimps Don't Cry: The New Hip-Hop Release of "SAD GIRL" with special MC appearance by "DREAMER"
Hicky Boy as we give him a check to divide four ways says "NO!" followed by him walking away...
"What's Hunching?"
Newest Shirt to my Collection:
Front reads: "If you're an LTA, Raise your hand!"
Back reads: "If you're not, Raise your Standards!"
HAHA, copywright pending.
ONE LAST THING: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO C!!!!
The girl next door
This is rare.
Let me just preface this, with, I know this is bullshit, but it disturbed me, so I'm writing it down. I know this is the last thing someone would want to hear, but...well, yeah.
It's 6:20 am. I just woke up crying from a stupid dream that the guy I'm into was with another girl.
Now this is insane, because while awake I have no worries. I have no idea why this dream had the emotional impact it did on me while I slept.
Uh, (*agravated) and worse yet the girl in the dream was completely made up. Which makes me feel stupid. I mean if dreams are supposed to be reflections of your subconsious thoughts, can my subconsious at least get the girl right? It so doesn't even matter. I've never been the jealous type. I don't have a right to tell anyone who they can and can't hook up with. I'm not going to either.
I'm almost ready to really apologize for putting this out there, but it freaked me out, to where it's now 6:24 and I'm wide awake, and I knew I would be until I wrote this out.
So, there it is, my subconsious just jacked my head.
Worse yet, I have this stupid Howie Day Song in my head that JM did a cover for, the whole entire first verse keeps playing in my head! I woke up, and that was the only thing I could think of and I know somehow it's tied to this to the dream. Maybe because of the crying? Can anyone please tell me what the point of the following song is??? See! I don't even know the meaning of the song right now, and it's burning itself into my consiousness....
HOWIE DAY LYRICS
Girl Next Door
Well she fixes up her shirt,
No she wouldn't go for you
And she mixes up her albums
Cause she doesn't like that order you do
And she loves a second way,
Hey, your first way is permanently through
And she'll never want to go to the movie,
The same one that you do
And if this love is superstitious then everything we did is on call
And if this love is gonna make it then maybe I should turn it up
And the girl next door is cryin'
I dunno what I want to do
Next door she's cryin'
Let me go, let me go for you (let me go for you)
(You...You...You)
Well I watched as she moves from the bedroom to the living room floor
And I'll knock on her door and tell her what i've been waiting for
And she'll smack me upside the head, its a crazy scene
Save your best for your own, thats how I want it to be
And if this love is superstitious then everything we did is on call
And if this love is gonna make it then maybe I should turn it up
Well the girl next door is cryin'
I dunno what I want to do
Next door she's cryin
Let me go, let me go for you
I don't want a new love...
You
I don't want a new love...
You
I don't want a new love...
You
I don't want a new love...
Alright, there it's out-- and I'll probably regret this tomorrow.
*sad laughter- how's this for a quote:
Sorry, for the use of profanity, but that's really the only word that's got it summed up at 6:32 in the morning. fuck.
So...caffeine....hmmm
Random, random, random day. Not going to write much, because ya'll are tired of this girl, right? I am too, so, blah.
So quote of the day that summarizes the day:
Why is it when you don't want to be bothered the most important thing comes up, right in the middle of what you were doing?
Why is it, that when you're running late for class, your printer runs out of paper?
Why is it that when you look like crap, a guy compliments you?
That was it...I have some other stuff on my mind but I think I'm gonna keep it right there in my little grey fluff of a head. It fits for now.
--Oh, wait, one more thing???? Lost it...hold on? The 14 year old goddess made Homecoming Princess. HAHA the beauty must run in the family. (Shaaaa-from her to me, right?) YAY PIMPCESS!!!!
UM....one more thing? (still trying to remember...) C came by for Vietnameese. Looser, Only coming by because I have food. Well good for him right? at least he gets one more free meal. lol.
What am I thinking of? Damn it. Grrr...random quotes while I think:
"Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?" Author: AA Milne
Aww-hah, thats what it is: I've been thinking about money. When I get a job I'm going to buy things. The first is the Book "Tao of Pooh" the second is "Pooh's Little Instruction Book." I think there is a lot to be learned from a Teddy Bear.
As per C's line of the evening (as he hands me my teddy bear): "You know he's the only reliable man you'll sleep with. "
Well, we'll see.
So, yeah, books, been my thing lately. I know! Between that and hip-hop, ya'll got to be thinking-"girls got way to much time on her hands"
I know! NEED a JOB! Applying tommorrow.
Thats it. um, yup, thats it. One last quote comparison: (Sad this is what my mind does sometime: I've got two more, but I'll keep you waiting--right like anyone cares. lol.)
"Never, ever underestimate the power of 'Id Like that." Author: John Mayer
My cousin is so good!
PER A FRIENDS ADVICE: PLEASE ONLY USE THIS LINK IF YOU HAVE GOOD ANTI-VIRUS SOFTWARE. :)
I don't want anyone's computer sick, for a cute site.
Alright, 5 second note: I'm better than the library. HAHA!
Well, at least I'm faster or more desperate than the other students in my class to have gotten up at 8 am to get my book. But I got it. HAHA! okay, well let me enjoy the small triumphs in my life.
Speaking of Triumphs. C called last night. Me and him are in this weird place right now with the busy-ness, and the different life path-ness. Sad if I think about it too much, but I guess thats why I don't. N-E-ways, hoping the weirdness mellows out. I'm really not liking the possibility that I could have been wrong all these years. Yeah he has a birthday coming up too. Hopefully, I'll be recouperated by then. ZOZOBRA on Thursday, right?
ZOZOBRA: Like many traditions in this weird state, ya gotta experiance it to know what it's all about. J-low is marking her calender for this one, but will probably be riding with the boys in blue. Me, well, I have no invite, so I don't know what I'm doing. LOL, the bus was an experiance I won't forget though....
Speaking of which, I am having the most random of dreams! Last night (quick I have to add this before I foget-'cause you know how if you don't write it down you forget...well)
Dream: It's summer. We end up going to my parents condo. (yes they have a condo--it's time share people) So we're up there. Me, and the family. Anyways, theres a chick that works at the lodge. Not a maid, not a hostess, but something inbetween (?). So, she's the chick thats is making our drinks. Well, it's night time...and we're hanging by the lake, the pool, then the jacuzzi on the outskirt of the condo corridor. Omg, there were the most random of boys in this dream too, (the little one, the nib, p-president, and someone else too)...So you would expect this to be a dream about them or at least someone, i mean c'mon the're is a jacuzzi...but no!
No, instead the dream is about this chick, liquoring me up, and then she kisses me in the hallway. Very weird. (maybe Zozobra is coming). SO---She kisses me in this hallway but then tries to kill me in the dream (I think poison, but other random things) it was like watching CSI, where all the scenes are chopped up, when the murder is discovered. Well anyways, the craziest dream.
Anyways! I have to read! 184 pages and a 3 page report by 3pm.
You know I got this. But no more talking. LOL
PS. BTW, I checked out more books so this will never happen again!
PPS. Wondering what the dream analysis on that one is...so please feel free to drop a comment.
PPSS: I really just wanted to write PPSS, but really I have to read, and two: J: you know you deserve some grumpiness from me this morning, I only opened this journal to see the funny additions you'd add. Oh, BTW people, lets all be sad with J. Awww, his girls far away from him now, and living it up as a college girl. but J is a good man, and she and him have been through enough, to where 11 weeks is only 11 weeks. Besides, theres something about distance that makes a girl want to her I love you more. (Trust me, I know.) Bye, for reals now!
Thank You
LOL--I love that commercial. It really is true. "It's amazing what a little Thank You can do."
So to everyone I love...Thank You!
_____
So, upon a friends advice, I will be running into the library at opening hours in hopes to retrieve my book! Grrrr....
Today, (instead of reading or shopping) I have cleaned/unpacked my room. While doing this (and I did do a lot of this), I came across so many memories.--Some wanted, some easily discarded, others I still shudder at to this day.
Don't get me wrong, I have no regrets. But well, even some things you just cry yourself to sleep about if you think on them too long. The people that know me, know this story, and if you know this story you know its been written once, and thats the once too many...Theres only one memory that can haunt my dreams...but as J says, they have sleeping pills for that, lol....that and thanks to kick boxing, I find what ever I can't push back to that far corner of my brain, doesn't bug/threaten me anymore...so, enough of that. Yes, enough of that...
What else did find along with my "pack rat" boxes? Well it was the most hilarious thing--four slim little address books. I thought to myself "Wow, I was a looser--a "Pimp-cess"--but a looser." I mean, granted I was a 16 yr old kid when I came to college, but really. LOL.
So I was wondering, how the hell these damn things had survived amoungst the move, and especially amoungst my "on again"-"off again" relationships, but then I realized why I've never thrown them away. I hadn't been holding on to them for random numbers to validate myself, but rather, inside the pages were birthdates and addresses of friends I haven't seen in at least three years.
I guess thats an amazing thing...sorting through the randomness of your life to remember it's not all that random. My best friend, "the Frosh," 7 years ago stopped comming by to see me 6 years ago. Why because I was in "College" and he was in "High School,"--and he was immature and being a dumb ass to my new "college boyfriend," who eventually ended up being my first fiance, and probably my only "real" love. (Is that shocking to hear?only one true love? All my LS's know this story too. Same guy...the one I'd move to Nowhere Alaska for. Same one thats happy and content. Same one that can't wait to attend my wedding. LOL. Same one I realized looking through the pictures that I'm over. Yup, him too.)
So- E was wrong for being jealous, but right I guess for being conscerned for me? hmmm....ponderings, well, why bother now, right? I thought about looking E up,just to see where he was...he was working in a gas station last I heard. Sad, I still know his birthday by memory. I surprise myself when I think about the friend I really can be. which reminds me, all the september birthdays are coming up. 2 of three virgos are accounted for. lol.
Well whatever. It is so cool, because with everything going on lately, I think I do have a handle on things this time. Promise J. I know you're thinking my euphoria is alcohol induced, lol, but really it's just some clarity. I think I said what needed to be said and everything will be so much easier from this point on. Besides, J's known me for ten years now. ten years, before the black books, lol. I'm still me, a little jaded, a little more cautious, but a lot happier, a lot more fun now.
Cause ever since I tried...Trying not to find...Every little meaning in my life...It's been fine...I've been cool...With my new golden rule.
Yup, more JM. Sorry. It's the little things that rub on me from life experiances.
_____
I really am done with my past. I looked over some old photos, and realized the last picture that was taken of me to where I looked really happy, was three summers ago. One of my friends, stole my mini camera and just snapped off pictures of me waking up, but rather than being mad, I was just happy.
Lol, not to be conceited. I'm really pretty when I'm happy. I can see the pictures that show my happiness and unhappiness...I could be in a beautiful dress, but completely unhappy, compared to a picture of me in my friends t-shirt, baseball cap, and looking better than any picture I think I have.
I think if someone were to take a picture of me, now--waking up, it would have the same effect. No alcohol J! Promise. Again, I know this is usually the moment to be concerned. Reality should come crash down...but you know, I just don't see it happening. I think I'm good. I really do.
Well, I put the photos away in a box--To be sorted through and reminised over at a later date. Lol. And there goes the little slim books, away till I laugh at them another day.
Part of me thought, hmm. I wonder if anyone keeps a little black book anymore. And no, just if anyone was wondering, I have no intention of ever keeping one again. LOL.
I'm happy doing what ever it is that I'm doing right now. Not sure what it is, lol, but I don't think I have to know either. Well, goodnight little cyber universe. Be happy if you can be, and sleep if you can't.
P.S. Everything really does seem to gets better with time....lol, especially what's kept on the top shelf.