Wish I was 16, so instead decided to live like I was...

Life is so much better living it rather than writing and thinking about it. I'm happier by the moment.

Priceless quotes of the days:

When watching death scene of Moulin Rouge: Conversation between myself (m) --22 yr old college graduate--and my newley aquired 14 yr old girl friend, Clare (c) and my baby sister (s):

C: "What disease does she have?"

S: "Consumption"

C: "What's That?"

S: "Its basically anything. They didn't know what it was back in the day, so they just called it consumption."

M: "It was probably an STD. You know she is a whore, so she's exposed to alot of germs in her line of work"

C: "Ewe thats right she slept with guys, huh?"

M: "Alot of guys. And you know, every girl that each one of those guys slept with, slept with other guys,...(so on and so forth)....thats alot of people sleeping around."

C:  "Ewe so she slept with all kinds of girls. So if I  kissed a guy that has kissed skanks like ________, it's like I kissed her. Hey I'm a lesbian"

S: "EWE...you kissed __________. Being a lesbian is kool, but have taste"

C: "That IS gross. So when you have to much sex you die?"

M: "See the moral of the story is, sleep around, get consumption and die."

Speaking of alternative life styles:

Quotes from Queer Eye for the Straight guy: ("Gays helping Gays" episode)

"I have some bad news for you, Lesbians have invaded your closet and have left you with only FLEECE"

(NEED to DO WORK, been having so much fun i've forgotten I have work!!!!ahhh)

Feeling better

Quote of the Day from the 14yr old goddess of deduction:

"Boys are dumb."

Quote of the Evening:

"Womens entertainment should consitst of sad sappy movies, why aren't there any on? Now we have to watch this." (Disney Channel)

Inspiration to me that my sister is not only the bomb, but a Lady to be, oh yes.

Listen if you can, it's well worth it

Charles Mingus, "Don't Let it Happen Here"

http://aolsearch.aol.com/aol/redir?src=x_singingfish&requestId=c2688f7905f871a7&clickedItemRank=1&userQuery=don%27t+let+it+happen+here+audio&clickedItemURN=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.npr.org%2Framfiles%2Fjazzsite%2Ffeat.mingus23.ram&searchType=XAUDIO

Once you get down on your knees, you end up with footprints on your backs. _____________

If I don't say it often enough, I know I'm a pain in the ass. I'm really blessed to have the people that I do in my life. C, T, J-low, J, A--V, 12, Ace have all made life so much easier. And I know I'm complicated sometimes, but in reality I'm really simple. Just love me, and I'll love you back ten fold, promise.

And I know my 14 yr old "posse" I've aquired down here, I love them. They're the best. Life is so simple. Things at worst are "gay" and life at best (including me) is "kool." I gotta say, it's cool to be kool. Boys are dumb and girls are weird. School is better than home, and only the band teacher and me are "like kool adults." No overthinking, but no real drama. good benefits, no rent, only dealing with gas money and take out cash, girls/guys are always available. But, life can suck, royally. theres the pills, the presure, first heart aches, etc. Somehow they rebel though. Fight the pain in a screw you world, i'm young kind of way. It's really refreshing. Nothing more, nothing less.

Well even the so called complications I have in my life, is all worth it for the frienship, memory, and moments given to me. I'm really working on being "happy,"  and that's why this is so great that I'm here. You can all get away, or hang up or sign off on me. OR you can make the effort, and really show you care, and when you do, it makes every complication so So worth it.

Love you. Love me.

Completely Diluted

So, I love my friends. One of my sorority sisters came by to visit me in my desolate little world and might really be bringing hope back to me. We talked about life, love, and me moving back. It might all be happening sooner than expected. And I’m really excited.

Afterwards, I watched my baby sister perform in a band concert. She rocked! I’m so proud of her! I never knew anyone in my family could be so musically inclined.

Then two more sorors call me, and they both give me their precautionary love, knowing I’d given my heart away.

Then well, I turn on the internet doorway to all sorts of emotions. Confusion, loneliness, questions, no real joy tonight. So, in the midst of tears, I call my guy friend C, and he just tells me, go ahead and cry and I do. As he’s telling me it’s all okay. I want to believe him. Didn’t I say I’d be okay? My other guy friend J calls. They both tell me they love me, and I tell them I love them back. I hang up, and I feel better. I just want to be loved. Maybe not today, but eventually… I remind myself of what I said yesterday.

Someone feels exactly the same way about you, the way you feel about her. I know someone must feel exactly the same way about me, the way I feel about him.

Old 80’s movie plays in the background, boy tells girl A, “the minute you stop believing there is no one out there for you, its all over isn’t it?” They kiss.

Girl B is watching from the sidelines, she’s his someone, and in this movie it’ll be 40 more minutes, and heartache until he realizes that.

Just showered

I write in this “journal” as an immediate release of emotion. As such, I think if anyone ever reads it, people must really think I’m bi-polar. Good thing I’m trying to get over what other people think.

Blah. You ever just feel blah? Like you get all wound up about something, then you’re just like whatever. This has happened to me so much lately.

E.g. 1

I’m running for a national position in my sorority. Doing so I have to answer a questioner about my goals and aspirations. I stare at a computer screen and write page after page of what really matters to me, to the point that I have to get up, pace, sit down, feel nauseous, scream a little because, I feel like this is the most important time to really express everything that could be expressed, and ultimately because I just really give a damn--- and then when it’s all over I’m like, “Yeah, okay. Whatever”  

Eg.2

I’m sitting in my new “bed” and am getting yelled at by my mom and her new boyfriend on the importance of cleaning rooms, etc, etc, and I’m like I’m 22 years old, I have a car, and a savings account, and this is bullshit, I can leave; but then I snap and say to myself “No, you can’t, you have no job, you have no place to go back to, hell you don’t even have gas….” Then I wake up this morning and I’m in the shower realizing my mom bought me new shampoo and conditioner, my sister made me breakfast, and I really don’t want to go anywhere but to law school . So it’s all petty, both sides just petty—and since I think I get that- I go, fold some clothes, make my bed, and thank my sister for breakfast.

I think “Whatev.”

E.g. 3

So I think for five seconds I’m in love. Okay more than five seconds. But anyways, every time my mind is capable of not being distracted (which is a lot lately), it goes to this one guy. The friend, the someone I think that might understand me, the someone I want to get to know, this guy who has time and again told me at least once anything that was between “us” is non-salvageable,--and I think I’m either slow or stupid, because, I keep going back to this guy wanting to say the right thing, or do the right thing, or just not say or do the wrong thing.  And I ask, “Why?” My head swirls back and forth between memories, and I think about how he made me feel. I frame in my mind single moments, things he said, those little things he did—and didn’t have to, etc, etc, and I’m left all high.

My ex, T, used to tell me, when it’s real, “you don’t think-you know.” I wrap my mind around thinking if I created this “thing” between us, or as this guy put it, I wonder how much of him I just imagined, and if I’m going to stop and take that time, to see the ‘real’ him. This frustrates me, because I never imagined him to be this phenomenal guy. I mean he is a great guy, but I have no delusions as to whether or not anything between us would work, or be worth it, or even if I’m really in love with him. Hell, I told my guy friend C last night, “C, I’m more in love with you, then I am with this guy, not because I couldn’t love him, because I really, really think I could, but because I know I love you—even as a friend, and I know you love me, and that makes me love you more—at least for right now”

I go back to what I know. I know he made me feel special. I know he can’t do ‘this’ right now. I know I can wait. Then, I go through more assumptions; I speculate that he might really feel something for me. I want him too, anyway. And I hope that what’s going on right now is that --he is pushing whatever he feels for me away. I think he’s gone through the excuses as to why we can’t work. I kind of think that isn’t working for him. I think he wants to be happy, and I think a little part of him knows I could probably do that for him. But that would require him taking a chance on it not working.  I think he weighs it, against being comfortable, and maybe I don’t measure up. Back to what I know. I know he said he wanted to take a chance. I know when I was with him; I made him feel something, maybe exactlyas happy as he made me feel. Maybe nauseous. Maybe I should just leave him alone, if you really love them let them go theory---Maybe, I should just keep telling him, that him and his broken heart don’t scare me. That I can deal with him just not knowing I’m ever going to compare. Hell, I honestly know I never will, I’m not willing to even compete, I can’t—I’m not her, can’t be, it’s just different, no worse, no better, just different.  I delete him from my buddy list, just so I don’t have to see a stupid yellow away message. Five minutes later, I put him back on. And I put my away message back on.

The high of “over thinking” comes and then goes. JM’s lyrics go through my head, “she’s heavy into everything.” Everyone wants a sidecar. I smile, and then like a candle, blow it all off. Whatever he wants, I think. Not because I don’t care, but because I’ll be okay in the end. Whatever.

I don't even know

My guy friend, C, just called me, so he could "stop thinking." I tell him to try to sleep it off. Here I am, as always, left with my thoughts.

Actually I'm too tired to think tonight. Not sleepy, just tired. In refrence to a heart he's been trying to recover, C mentions the age old adage, the best way to get over the old girl, is to move on to someone new; he says his grandmother told him that. Pretty wild gram. I tell him things will get better in the morning. Laugh at grandmas advice. Hang up, say goodbye, never leaving, but rest on the pillow staring at a screen knowing it's easier to be away.

 

i thought it was too good to be true
i found somebody who understands me
someone who would help me to get through
and fill an emptiness i had inside me
but you kept inside and i just denied somethings that we should have both said
i knew it was too good to be true
'cause i'm the only one who understands me...

what happenned to us? we used to be so perfect, now we're lost and lonely
what happenned to us? and deep inside i wonder, did i loose my only?

remember they thought we were too young
to really know what it takes to make it
but we had survived off what we had done
and we could show them all that they're mistaken
but who could have known, the lies that would grow, until we could see right through them.
remember they knew we were too young
we still don't know what it takes to make it.....

we could have made it work, we could have found a way
we should have done our best to see another day
but we kept it all inside until it was too late
and now we're both alone, the consequence we pay
for throwing it all away, for throwing it all away......

What you can find in away messages...

Fun times, good laughs, if i've depressed you ever...let me make it up to you? thx, cous.

http://www.thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan.cgi?word=Manda

*Because Manda is Complicated Enough.

*Don't Leave Home without 'Leida!

Smart. Beautiful. Lambda Lady.

Day to Day

Last night ripped out my heart a little bit. Maybe it was everything I’ve wanted to feel. Finally, the sadness, the hurt, and a deep sense of loss.

Jennifer is a sister who brought me into the sorority I pledged for. Since I never had a “big sister,” like other mainstream sororities, and since I was a first in mine, I never had anyone really look to me as someone special. But I thought every woman who touched me while I pledged made me a better person. Somehow, when I heard Jen lost someone in her family yesterday, I felt like I wanted to be someone she found important. I wanted her to know that she was important enough to me. All I could do was cry for a little while. I went to the store, and bought her a stuffed animal. I figured everyone needs something or someone to love even for a little while.

I’ll be sending that today. Today I’ll also be sending money to England for another stuffed animal, a faded remembrance of my childhood, and a CD to a friend, who never was able to get the first one to work.

Its amazing how days pass and emotions change day to day, and what impacts one’s mood.  I’m listening to the CD I’m about to send, and am debating whether resending this will eventually become regretful.  *Sigh.

I got a call from a friend last night who is dealing with situations of his own. Sometimes I think I’m so little in this universe. But he made me feel big enough for a moment. Even though I was a little broken, he said he missed me. He said he couldn’t wait for me to come “home.” I think that is where home is, where people love you, and you love them.  I want him to find love too. He’s an angel, and he deserves to be happy. ~I think love does lead to happiness.

--Been listening to all kinds of music. Downloads keep coming, and I keep listening to each artist and the words they try to use to inspire the emotions that stir beneath each of us.

Savage Gardens words hit true when I believe you might only truly appreciate love, when you’ve been burned by it before and that karma’s wheel entails what you give is what you get.  The tale of loss and separation in “Pretty Girl,” Maroon 5’s “Songs about Jane,” every female artist I seems to enjoy, seems to play in the background not as reflections of my own life or present emotion, but of general feelings we have all probably experienced at one time or another.

I’m ranting. Perhaps because, I have no one to talk to right about now, or perhaps because I have already worn this topic out with all the people who care to listen.

My journal, my rules, at leats until AOL tells me 25,000 characters. *Sighing again.

A song of John Mayer is hitting me, Split Screen Sadness. For once it’s not the lyrics but how the song is, the actual sadness; and it’s okay to be sad.

I’m not sad anymore, but it’s good to hear that that’s all right too.  Speaking of Split Screens….*I don’t want to be sad anymore, please let there be smiles.

And I don't where you went when you left me but
It says herein the water, you must be gone by now
I can tell somehow

One hand on the trigger of the telephone
Wonderin when the call comes, when you say it's all right
You got your heart right

Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on your porch 'til you come back home, alright
I can't find a fight
We share the sadness
Split screen sadness

Two wrongs make it all alright tonight
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight

All you need is love is a lie cause
We had a love but we still said goodbye
Now we're tired, battered fighters
And it stings when it nobody's fault
Cause there's nothing to blame
At the drop of your name, it's only the air you took
And the breath you left

So maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch til you come back home, alright
I can't find the fight
So I'll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
Might be my only right

We share the sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
Split screen sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
We share the sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
Split screen sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)

I called... because... I just... need to feel you on the line
Don't hang up this time
And I know well it's me you called it over but
I still wish you fought me 'til my dying day
Don't let me get away

Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
So I can say this is the way that I used to be
There's no substitute for time
Oh for the sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
Split screen sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
We share the sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
Split screen sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)

Oh in the sadness, it's alright, it's alright
Oh in the sadness, it's alright, it's alright
Oh in the sadness, it's alright, it's alright
Oh in the sadness, it's alright, it's alright

Just heard....

I never remember how deep the pain gets until we are hit with real loss.

I feel so foolish to think my heart could ever feel loss, the way you must feel it now, hermanas. Jen, all I can do is cry for you. To my other sisters who have lost someone in their lives. You will all be in my prayers.

AAAAAAWWWWW

AAAAAAAAWWWWW

missing him, missing walter,

When I went to the gym today my little sister introduced me to SugarCult. I highly recomend it! My fave of the moment, Track 8, "Pretty Girl."

http://www.sugarcult.com/audio.html

_______

So, I ended up falling asleep today, but the cosmos were against it. Everyone was on a mission to keep me awake. So much in fact that I missed my Walter moments and was forced to look to AOL for the cosmic reading. But what a reading it was today!Can we say, True, True?

 

 

Even if you think you know what you want, now signals are coming from the cosmos that indicate otherwise. It's not that you are wrong about your desires; it's just that it is more confusing than it appears. Others are also involved and you have to take their needs into consideration also…if only you had a clue as to what they really want.

______

Well I guess the stars agree, I'm allowed to be in love, and it's okay not to know if he feels the same.                             

 

truth

Truth is I fell for him sitting on the couch probably five weeks before he ever said hi to me. Truth is i fell for him, knowing he probably wouldn't feel the same way. Truth is i question whether i'm now part of the past or the present. is he trying to forget her, or am i the one he's trying to forget so he can move on?

Truth; I just want him to be happy. I don't want to be stupid, and be the thing on the side if he knows i'll never measure up. I don't want to be not given the chance because circumstances outside of his heart say unnacceptable. If he can't do it, fine. But if he can and he's holding back, i really wish he wouldn't. I'd understand, but it just seems like he's on the verge of happiness.

If I could be his happiness, even for a moment, than that's good enough for me. i guess it might have to be.

i guess i should feel sad, or bad, or something for myself, and the way i could percieve myself in being treated, but i don't.  i just feel for him. feel sad that he has to deal with trying to recover his heart. to try to figure out if all the pro's outweigh the cons, or if girl B, will ever measure up to girl A, especially if she's only a transition to Girl C?

Sigh, everything is just practice i think. We have one relationship after another just so that when the relationship were meant to be in comes along, things will be that much better, that much easier. i don't think it's about the compare and the contrast though. i'll never be her, or she'll never be me. and we can't choose and pick what we want in the someone we love, like picking features on a car. --For me, i guess that means i want to wait, i want him to be the best he possibly can be for himself, for his well being. Only then is anyone really going to have the love they give to him returned to them.

Until then I have some "car work" that can be done on myself. I think the best people are constantly trying to better themselves, and i'm just okay. But I am okay. Somedays, even better.

Why I never have expectations

It’s funny, how when you least expect something, life surprises you. Lately I have received emails out of the blue from friends in other countries; calls from guys who I had thought had lost my number, and have had conversations with someone that just leaves me feeling happy for the remainder of the day.

Today my competitive nature enjoyed winning an auction to go see a concert that I’m determined to take the baby sister to go see. I probably paid way too much for the aforementioned tickets, but my little sister seems excited, and seeing her smile makes it all worth it.

Speaking of the concert, while I’m there I’ll have two guys that’ll want to see me. One is the friend, who wants to catch up and the other is the player who always wants to throw game. Fortunately, both guys know I’ll blow them off in a heart beat just to talk with someone who gets me regardless of the distance and knew why I needed to leave. Well, ups have their downs so I try not to think on it.  But, you ever notice the harder you try not to think of something--or the possibility of something, it ends up slightly consuming your brain till you give in for five minutes, giggle like mad, and then you’re able to move on? Maybe it’s just me.

Anyway, speaking of giggling, Walter, my Spanish speaking drag queen of a fortune teller, has decided I am like a volcano. Now does that mean I’m powerful, or just a natural disaster? My mom swears to me it’s the first. My Spanish is still not the greatest, and watching Walter, and the Spanish news leading up to him, certainly makes me feel like I’ll need to become more fluent in the language--the sooner the better.

Actually, watching Walter religiously with my mother at 4:45pm each day has become so amusing.  Our immature bonding over some clairvoyant gay man is as laughable as our speciation as to whether the “cute” guy at the gym brings his partner whom my mother swears “must be his mother.” Really though, to check your own calves out for 30 minutes is definitely creepy to me, and my mom or the chick he brings that could be my mom, can both certainly have that guy…ewe!

Walter, Some Confirmation?

Leo July 23-Aug. 22 Your mind is working overtime and it's probably trying to figure out how you can get the love that you want. This is a basic issue for many people, but you Leos are the champions of love. And now, even with the emotional Moon in your sign, there's still several planets clustered in Cancer -- in your 12th House of Imagination and Fantasy. If you think you are free, then you are. You don't need to struggle for something you already have.

Life's what happens in between auto responses

Favorite Quotes of the Day:

“You’re a big contradiction in a box” or “You’re like a burrito, with a contradiction in the middle.”

--my baby sister, age 14

 

Same baby sister, that’s going to kick me off the internet so she can use the phone line.

 

It’s amazing; I really think I’m getting the best legal practice I can by moving back home. Try arguing with a three year old who wants ice cream, or a fourteen year old who needs the phone line.

 

Well, all is on the up, or at least on the side. Music is downloading, abs are sore, and tickets to the concert, and TX are as well as bought. Bonus is, all the friends all seem to be happy. *Happy Sigh, me too…just wish I was there. Oh well, the people who love me know how to use a phone, right?

She will be loved...

Some people are brutally honest. I love that in my friends. They don't care about my feelings, just the sheer honesty. And it's all okay. Because the friends that I know who share their honestly for the purpose of being true and real to me, and not to break me down, can handle the same from me. Some can't, but then I don't think they follow the previous principle.

Anyways, gym tommorrow....that whole betterment thing :)

Somethings and somepeople I really do miss. Simple equation: if it/he/she makes me happy, I miss it.

Shaking it off....

I love mornings where it just feels like a fresh start. I’ve been in this miserable little town for 3 weeks now, and I really have done nothing productive for myself or any one else. But this morning I really do feel better. The energy I had when I left seems to be coming to me. I feel like I’m finally coming back up from the downs of the rollercoaster.

 

What’s great is the mood uplift doesn’t have to do with anyone or anything in particular. I didn’t wake up to great song, or have my favorite breakfast. Actually, its father’s day and there will be a minimal amount of attention given to me, which might be surprisingly refreshing.

 

I’ve actually been avoiding some calls and some emails, but I think I’m ready to get back to that “real” world. Well, it’s only as real as you make it, but I’m ready. My mind started clearing, and the ADD side of my brain was triggered with every desire of what I want to do while I’m away in this town. How to utilize this time, how to better myself for myself. Books I want to read, the Spanish I want to learn, abs I want to tighten, a tan I want to maintain, the sorority I want to expand, the accounts I want balanced, the concert I want to see, the hair (thanks to my stylist) I need to grow out, the law schools I need to apply to, the tobacco I need to smoke, the relationships I need to reestablish in my life, my tattoo that needs to be fixed, the travel I want to get done, the laundry that needs to get folded, and yes those damn boxes sorted through.

 

Seems like a lot, but this is the break. This is when I’m doing it all for me. Not the grad office, not for sister accountability or how I do, or don’t, look in someone’s eyes. Just me; and it’s so refreshing to live just for you. I’ll admit, my thoughts and heart are on wander mode; wandering to one guy, in one place. But that’s okay. He knows it and I want him to know it, and know I’m okay. I want him to be okay. I keep thinking of one night when he said, “If just everyone felt the same way I did”—had the drive, something like that, the words escape me. But now I get it. I mean really when you feel this way, sleep is really just in the way sometimes, and it is a feeling you wish everyone had.

 

Well, even if my moments went wrong, and my timing was off, all I can do is smile.

Phone Calls

Seriously! Why do other people feel they are either entitled or certified to make decisions for your life? Forget about it, they say;  get a job, keep yourself busy, it's all for the best. *ERRRRRR!!!!!

This is why I didn't tell anyone I was leaving, this is why I never told anyone I was miserable before, and this is exactly why I never told anyone who and what makes me happpy.  EVERYONE has an oppinion. And once someone knows what gives you the slightest amount of happiness, they can somehow manage to say how thats a bad idea too. SORRY FOR JUST TRYING TO BE HAPPY!!!!! EWE, talk about stupid mouth! and I never even said anything! Why can't people figure out their own lives, and take their own advice. Me....I'm shutting up.

The Waiting Game

One day at a time…this really does seem like the solution to not taking life so seriously. To make each moment count, is a true sensation.

 

My friends (falling in and out of love) have decided to ride it out on the carousel of time. I think they’re hoping that one day their intentions for each other will one day meet in the concentric revolutions they seem to be making in each of their individual lives. 

 

Today, I am slightly numb from feeling. After releasing an outsized amount of emotion, I find my mood to be one of tolerance and understanding.

 

For the aforementioned friends, and the relationship I find doomed, I have decided to again remain the silent friend and wait for the pieces to fall to the floor. This is what I feel is wanted from me, and as a good friend, I will stand by my girls side and support her choices.

 

For another special friend, I will wait for him to align his goals, house, and his recovered heart till he’s comfortable. In my waiting, I’ve decided to return to my original intentions of making myself happy. Therefore, elevating my mood, and knowing in the end I’ll be (he’ll be/we’ll be?) worth the wait. J *Shrug.

 

To make the minute hand pass quicker, I’ve begun to force myself to laugh in the comparisons that one can draw between the seriousness of heartache and the “dramatization” of such heartaches. So…I’ve begun to find my situation with my new friend almost laughable. Almost-- It’s very high school, but it’s a coping mechanism I’ve never tried, and it’s better than crying right? As a result, I’ve made the following comparison; not in a rude, immature fashion; but in an innocent adolescent approach.

 

It’s like falling in love with Bradd Pitt, or Jennifer Lopez, or the idea of them as a couple. This adolescent belief that some things are so perfect, or so simple; but realistically subconsciously knowing it’s all a sham or truly taxing.  Knowing Brad has a publicist and hairstylist, and the autographed photos are signed by an administrative assistant, or Jen’s abs are actually attained through excruciating workouts, and strenuous diet. But they make it look so easy. But even the Ben-Jen world is eventually shattered. (Go back to Puffy Jen!!! Or better yet, be a fine independent Latina, that role models to younder girls like myself that they don’t need a man in life to be complete…)

 

*Sigh, J.  There’s nothing worse then knowing the pain you are feeling has been self inflicted. To know your brain is mocking your heart and saying I told you so.

To know, there’s just the tiniest little tinge of an aching heart from allowing myself to care so deeply for someone, who is perfectly entitled to not want to reciprocate this feeling—well again—at least not immediately. Hence I’m left with a sense of hope.  

 

Can’t we just skip all the predicted pain…all the negativity you might just find,

that even if it’s not meant to last forever…I won’t pay no mind…..

Lets not remember or predict the pain, lets just hope one day rocks will melt and only diamonds will remain…

 

Yeah, I smile knowing I’ll be playing the waiting game and just not check the score.  

 

would you be the wind to blow me home
would you be a dream on the wings of poem
and if we were walking through a crowd
well you know i'd be proud

if you'd call my name out loud
if you'd call my name out loud
do you suppose that i would come running
do you suppose i'd come at all
i suppose i would

and if we were walking down a dead end street
would you be the one to let our eyes meet
or would you just keep on walking down to the turnaround
cause you know i'd be proud

if you'd call my name out loud
if you'd call my mame out loud
do you suppose that i would come running
do you suppose i'd come at all
i suppose i would

and if i was gone from the land we know
would you be the dawn let your beauty still show
and if you were walking heard the cold night coming
would you call my name cause you know i'd come running

if you'd call my name out loud
if you'd call my name out loud
do you suppose that i would come running
do you suppose i'd come at all
you know i would
you know i would
you know i would
you know i would
i'd come running
i'd come running
if you called my name out loud

 

June 10th Backlog; A week ago still holds true.

I think everyone just always wants to get it together. I left a whole town just to get away, only to come back and try to feel like I was getting it together.

 

But I don’t have it together. I don’t think any one does, not really.  I wish I did, but I don’t.  I want to have it together to the point that I would not worry about what people said, or are saying now. But deep down I do. Deep down I want to know the thoughts that go through someone’s mind as I look at them in their blank expressions.  I want to know how I rank, how I scored,if I’m a person someone could live without, or simply if the girl down the hall thought my haircut looked nice.

 

It’s sad really the social acceptance we try to all gain.Worse yet, is the pains we will all go through to try to show we either one have it together or our need to avoid anyone noticing   how much we really don’t have it together. Anything,--lies, denial of what-nots, and freinships, just for the acceptance of another; or to avoid the drama of having to come clean, that you have it together enough to simply not care.

 

Drama avoidance is just another excuse for leaving. Avoiding drama has never been easy for me. In part, because I usually create my own. Not to say I create more drama than what anyone else does, but I can admit that I make things more complicated then they ever really have to be.

 

Matters of the heart for example. No one is an expert. The best advice I ever gave someone on love, was “Don’t ask me.”-- I don’t have it figured out and most likely never will.  At least I’m honest. Far more honest than the romance comedies and the happy endings we pay nine dollars for. Just to get magically swept into wanting something, that might not really exist. Yet, like the girl I am sometimes, I allow myself to be stupid, and listen to the radio, way too hard, or analyze a movie, way too deeply, and then get stupefied when I realizea writer isn’t scripting my life. The rollercoaster of romance isn’t carrying me on a winding adventure, but rather has me strapped me in --with no where to go-- and by the end of the line, I’m usually left with a nauseous feeling.

 

I mean this is the drama I create, I damn well know that by letting myself-- even for a moment—be convinced that planets align correctly (or that ‘Walter’ stating Leos are meant to have a “foreign person” leave their impressions upon them), I allow myself to think “this might just work.”—even if the timing, persons involved, etc, have easily fought otherwise.

 

Not just me. Hallmark has made an empire off of manipulating emotions. The saddest this is knowing, one person wants exactly what you want, just not with you.

 

That’s the whole cycle. One person might be ready, for a relationship but have the wrong person, or, miserably we find the right person, at the absolute worse time. There doesn’t seem to be a way to fix that. So I guess that’s why we pay nine dollars or get Hallmark cards, just to allow ourselves to believe even for one moment, two people in this world can get it together.

Emotional Projectile

Well it’s 7 in the morning, and I feel emotionally hung over. Spent the night out with a friend telling him all that was, all that is, and all that could be. I always forget how emotionally draining it can be to explain how life has put you right where you are.

 

Woke up not liking someone, for the mere fact that I can’t get a song out of my head! Don’t we hate it when that happens? It’s not even a song I know! Like life’s events, I’m trying to replace this song quickly, by playing others—hoping, just maybe, another one will stay in mind clearer and less agitating than the one before.

 

Speaking of quick replacements. In a recent turn of events, what I thought I could have, I can’t, or at least not now, when it comes to the realm of life’s excitement and my willingness to tell the world, “I am stronger than you, and I will defy the restrictions you have put upon me.” Kind of deep? No not really. It breaks down so simply. The man I was--and still am--willing to love, and probably most objectionably “replace” a past love with, for reasons I can’t fight for all my willingness to, won’t suffer another woman’s love and eventual pain associated with her love.  He’s explained to me that he feels he can’t fight the world that he loves so dearly, a world where I know I never belonged.  And beyond guilt, or selfishness, the fact that I care about him so much, insures that I will want his happiness above my own.  Therefore, we will remain--as ever—in the most comfortable of position, friends.

 

Friends. Fortunately my love of friends has transcended and survived far more failed relationships than I care to count. The friend I was with last night for instance has seen me through two failed marriage engagements, my college education, and life’s tragedies. Deep down, if there was any man who lovedme unconditionally I know it would probably be this guy. Poor guy, I love him too, just as a friend though, but always, always I’ll love him as such.

 

So loving a friend won’t be so hard. As for my heart, patience is a virtue I will reacquaint myself with. Patience in myself, as well as in others.

 

Speaking of friendship. My friends, who were falling into love, are now falling out of love. I find it sad that one action, in one night, can change your whole view of a person. But that is how love goes. And in one night, the heart you gave away is returned, and even though it has been returned protected and unharmed, it is the fact that someone has told you they no longer want it, that hurts the most.

IMs

Instant messenger is the craziest thing. On one screen I see a boy with a broken heart trying to pull his life together from the mess I've made it. Later the same screen shows me a boy who's moved on from breaking my heart, and still later a third man has decided to break my heart just a little by protecting his heart just a little more.

I'll be freinds with all of them. Letting one try to forget me, and the other think he's not responsible for hurting me.

 The last I'll love as much as I can, and as much as I'm wanted, until I no longer need to, want to, or may do. As I do with all my friends.

 

 

So.....

Many people say they want honesty, but I think they just really want to listen to themselves speak. Worse, they want to hear their own opinions, thoughts, and ideas sputtered right back out of them from the vocal box of another person.

 

Friends of mine will be speaking today in hopes of finding “just the truth.” Truth is, someone’s gonna get hurt today. She’s going to cry because he didn’t live up to false expectations she created for him before he even began showing interest. He’s going to be hurt because he’s responsible for hurting another person, and “truthfully” this boy was and is merely trying to figure out what he wants.

 

Me, I’m trying to be honest with myself.

 

I got a bed today. That seems like such permanence. My own bed; Implying temporary accommodations are no longer suitable.

 

Do I want to stay long enough to have a bed? A dresser has been added and I had my first apartment showing this morning. 300 dollars fully furnished. Seems like a little apartment waiting for someone to start their life in. But that implies starting a life here.

 

I don’t want to start a life here. Temporary. This move is temporary! This has become my private little mantra. Everyone around me is trying to make this move so easy. But my life, my real life is still in boxes. Still waiting. Still waiting are the boxes that need to be sorted through. The boxes that are too tiring to go through now.  The photos that never have me in them, the old text books of classes I still haven’t completed, and the box of supplies from an office I no longer work at.  And of course there is the bed. The bed I bought. The bed that once I left the dorms, stated I was on my own. The bed that showed, even though I was engaged, I have my own bed, and I choose whom to invite into it.  Now this bed is in storage, and it seems to be stating there is no permanence in the place I left.

 

Despite impermanence,--despite the storage unit, despite my knowing I have no “real” reason to return to the location I left so willingly—I want to go back. So much in fact, when speaking of returning my mother laughed and said “Yeah, only every time the wind blows.” But is it that frequent?  And it’s not for any bad reason, reasons I feel could be more real than anything I’ve ever known; friends, fun, and simply to take a chance.

 

But within 48 hours I have more here. A house, family support, and now--even a bed.

 

Here in lies the question of honesty. Where am I happier? Do I want either?

 

Both places have shown their loyalty. My family will welcome me with open arms should I fall, and have proven they can pick me up and brush me off quite quickly when I’ve skinned my knee in life’s obstacles.

 

My friends call from a distance and have me in their hearts and thoughts and will be waiting where and when ever our paths may cross.

 

Even my fun and yearning for taking chances has a patience all it’s own. Leave it to me to want it all.  It makes me feel selfish. I guess to be entirely happy people have to be selfish for just a moment. To take without guilt. Or, maybe that’s not selfishness, but acceptance? To know your worth allowing people to make you happy.

 

I might accept that. I wonder if that’s honesty or rationalization?

Don't know

I’ve begun to really enjoy pulling the covers over my head…not to escape from the world, but to create my own. In my own little world of blankets I can defy all social norms and time is only defined by the cracks of sunlight breaking through the threads.  In my little world, the night shirt I wear signals how little I care about the world outside of the sheets while concluding my evening with an ease of mind and a cool cotton touch.

 

In my little world of tangled blankets and named pillows, secrets can be told in the shadows at the end of a bed.

 

Secrets. I love secrets, they imply something special. Something only to be shared with someone you trust. Sometimes these secrets are so intimate that they must be kept from everyone, including yourself. Yet, I’m beginning to believe some secrets were never meant to be kept. For instance, what am I to do about those secrets your heart tries to keep from your brain? How do you hide from yourself? How do you not reveal a weakness to love? How do you begin to deny your feelings to anyone, when your eyes and smile give you all away?

 

Or—how do you hide from someone you thought you cared about, that you stopped caring oh so long ago.

 

Third try, how do you look into a friends eyes and can’t speak a word to her honestly until you know you’ve broken her heart.

 

Where’s the book? Truthfully, it’s not that we don’t have the answers, but it’s the fact that we want to check the formula. We want to know that there is no other choice than to suck it up and deal with the situation at hand. But if only there was a book! For if there was a book--it would be so simple to state out loud, “Well the answer is obvious, on page 69 in the Book of Life, it states, All is fair in love and war.”

 

12:32:52 AM EDT

June 9th Backlog

4am and I’m being woken up by the anxiety of going back. Am I packed do I have everything. I hope my hair looks okay? Maybe I’m trying too hard.

 

Want to sleep, need to sleep. Can’t sleep. Not worried about pulling it all off, just waiting for the chance.  Think about how I need the rest. 4 hours drive. Followed by at least another 3 hours drive. Smiles, oh yeah, happiness is waiting….sleep starts taking me back and the bug bites don’t hurt as much.

Cloudy days don't mean sadness.

Any given day, the weather changes and you don’t know what you’ll find. Today shadows set over my sun city, and the wind blew everything away.

 

I unpacked today. Rather I sorted through eight boxes not seven, and found I didn’t even need three of those boxes. Winter clothes for this town, jeans that will just sit in my closet, and jackets I won’t see till I return from here. One box of bills and paperwork that used to consume my life, another of crafts to distract me from life, and a third filled with sister gifts that made me feel my family was bigger than what this little house holds.  I only grabbed flip-flops from the seventh box, and emptied the eighth realizing there was no doubt, shopping would soon be required.  

 

Worry came to me as I found I didn’t even pack my airline ticket to California, but clarity is emerging faster than anticipated and I have realized that everything--if not replaceable—is manageable. A simple thought this may be, but one I have been without for a while and a blessing to remember.

 

I bought the first piece of clothing to show off a new tan I know I will have. Sisters are learning I’ve left, and the love as well as support is immense. I knew I’d pull it together, but I know it’s not supposed to be this easy.

 

Perhaps I’ve been distracted with the ‘business of moving.’ Or perhaps I’m content with knowing I haven’t really left, just taking a longer time than usual to return.

 

Plans are now in full swing to return—momentarily. I know I’ll have friends and sorors waiting. That alone, gets me through. And I love them for it.

 

The exchange of cleaning “my room”—which consist of some floor, a blanket (not needed) and boxes—for mom’s knowing eyes, and the thought of just not having to worry anymore is going to work for a while, but I can already tell I’ll move as soon as I get the opportunity. She knows it too. Which is for the best.

 

 Listening to a cd I made for a friend, and realizing how little my heart may break now, as it broke time and again. I almost feel guilty for not hurting the way I know I will. I just seem to know it will hit, and when it does, I’ll probably be ready to go back. But not to him. Just back to myself and my life. I know eventually I’ll be unhappy here being mom’s daughter and daddy’s little girl. But for now, it’s okay… I’m okay.

Night Two, 102 degrees plus

Night two and I don't even have a couch anymore. Trying to have no regrets, but can easily come across one: I should have brought my bed. The heat is unbearable.

As I lay on the floor, I count how my present life has measured up. Seven boxes,  four pillows, a teddy bear, and clothes left on the hanger that are too hot for this climate.  Oh yeah, and a smile that only fades when I allow myself to overthink.

I'm wishing I had a blanket to detangle right about now.  Anything to get my mind off of everything I think I might have left behind.  Knowing everything worth having I carried with me or will be waiting for me when I get back.

Debating if anyone will be waiting for me when I get back? Scared to end a lie to myself, if no one is.  But now I understand, nothings missing.

Deciding to make myself happy, just might make me happy, it's worked so far in the fact that I haven't lost a moment. Even if my moment was just to waste time, it's been my time to waste, and my moment to smile on now. * I think I'll sleep with that.

Night One/ Day 1

 Night one has ended all too quickly, and before the dog can wake me from the couch, I’m woken up by the blaring cartoons of an eleven year old brother. Wasn’t I trying to get away from cartoons? And why am I on a couch? That’s right my bed is in a storage unit 4 hours away, and that’s where I am. Four hours away.

My mother is upset that I have slept my first night at my father’s house. I suppose the time-share of children between divorced parents doesn’t end; even if that child has completed her college education, and has escaped from two endangered marriage engagements.

Like most tragic experiences, I find I haven’t cried yet. Perhaps there is nothing to cry about. Time away is only that--time away. As I arrived to my new ‘home,’ I immediately fulfilled paperwork needed for my sorority-- a stress I love, so one I suppose I will never give up. As I charged the battery to my phone, friends called pledging their love and support, saying that I was but a call or drive away. Ironically, the person I drove four hours to be away from, was the first to insure I arrived safely to my destination.

Where am I? Comics, have affectionately called this town, a waiting room for hell. I’m four hours away from nothing. The reality is wherever you go, there you are.

I still haven’t cried. Emotion after emotion floods my mind, with only random tangents leaving their impression. On the phone, a relationship between two people I call friends is on the rise, and after nearly dropping the phone from exhaustion, I affectionately explain, I am no one to question on the matters of love.

If the truth were told, my mind is nowhere it should be. I feel I should be hurting, or sad, or at least lonely. But I’m none of these. Not now. Maybe I’ve been all of this way too long, and-- now knowing that I am physically alone—I am quite comfortable with the idea.

Perhaps not. Deep down I’m fighting every urge to make a phone call or send a message to someone, I had no business ever talking too. Even thinking on it now, I smile. I was happy for one night, and I refuse to feel guilty for that. *Sigh. I’ve always had the worst of timing. Be it just my fashion, to find someone a minute early, and not express that till a night too late. Well, the difficulty now lies in knowing, a night can never be stretched out into forever. “It can’t, it’s not supposed to.” Even so, I think everyone always tries to do so—stretch a single moment of happiness till it can’t be stretched any longer.

My mind wanders. Next Wednesday, July 21st, California, Dallas. Am I really trying to see a concert anymore? Or just find an excuse?  

I should be crying. Shouldn’t I? Two years can go away so quickly. One storage unit, a few goodbyes, and two tanks of gas. For him, a new car shines so brightly I don’t think he even saw me walk out the door. But I left a long time ago.

Now I’m here, in the waiting room of hell, waiting for the backlash that has already begun. I just never thought I’d be missing everything and everyone but the one I left.